2012, the golden bowling trophy of big changes

Each year since my divorce has seen major changes. And each year, I've thought, Whew! Don't think I could top this one!

But I think maybe 2012 holds the prize. The golden bowling trophy of big changes. The fact that I sit at my desk in my new home, looking down at my wedding ring and out at a rainy California day is testament to this...

Here are this year's highlights:

In my writing:

*I took third in a major fiction contest,scoring the $200 prize (the most I've ever been paid for a published piece...thus far)

*I was accepted to the prestigious Pacific University MFA program and then decided against it as I just couldn't justify the financial and time commitment. Maybe one day I'll try again, but for now have decided to write as passionately as though I were in the program. I'm still at peace with the decision.

*I was a featured storyteller at an event called Story, Story Night where I learned I could tell my story without reading it off a page.

*Published four of my own articles as literary director of Fusion magazine and things in other publications including one short story, two poems, a restaurant review, a look at a major local building project, and acted as editor and layout designer for the real estate newspaper associated with my job. It was a landmark year for putting my name out there.

*Started on my novel and became engulfed by it...hoping to return to it soon.

*Interviewed 48 amazing writers and others influencing the literary world on my radio show, The Writers' Block--including award-winning David Abrams, Alan Heathcock, J. Reuben Appelman, Carla Neggers, Pauls Toutonghi, Stephanie Reents and others. Very aware of the priceless amount I learned about writing, editing, and publishing during my stint as host.

*Made the dedication page of Mr. Perfect's book. I've always wanted to be on one of those :).

 

In my family life:

*Z, at 15, is as tall as me now with feet several sizes bigger. He's into parkour and rugby, which means I have to close my eyes a lot and remember how important it is to let kids be fearless within reason. He can carry in all the groceries by himself and I'm pretty sure he could, if needed, sling me over his shoulder and carry me out of a canyon with my leg broken. That's a nice feeling, though I can't say I don't miss my baby.
I broke down in tears when the boys all arrived safely here on Christmas day, knowing my Z had shepherded his younger brothers safely through two airports. He has always done hard things without complaint and I am ever so proud of him.

*E, now 13, made me mother to two teenagers this year. He is a fiercely loyal friend, still so aware--as he has been since his youth--of just what is right and what is wrong, and constantly stands up for the underdog and the weird. His grades have slipped this year, largely due to his homeschooling background where he preferred self-guided learning instead of a bunch of busy work with due dates, and yet all the reports I've received from his teachers say he is one of their favorite students. I have no doubt of his intelligence and trust he will find his way with a little motivation and organization, and I often remind myself of the number of  highly successful people who weren't great students. Plus, he's an uber-talented musician and can quickly calm my worst of days with his music.

*L, 8 years old, is still the most shy of all my boys, though once he warms up--his smile lights up a room and his laugh could warm the coldest heart. He is top of his class in all subjects and loves being on time, crossing off lists, and planning projects. He has taken more of an interest in money and savings this year and wouldn't be surprised if he asked to start investing in stocks soon. He's also my snuggliest boy and I look forward to his daily hugs.

*J turned 6 this year and doesn't seem to mind being the youngest and battling for his spot to be noticed or get seconds of dessert. He has a natural love for performing and a knack for humor--both purposeful and not. He has taken off as a reader this year and his teacher says he's a natural classroom leader, often winning the class award for helpfulness and character. I do worry he'll grow bored (like E) in classes if they don't keep up with his pace of learning, but I'll keep finding ways to push him here at home. He is truly a delight to me and all those he comes in contact with.

Like most moms, I alternate between worrying my children will grow up distant as a result of all the bickering and slugging they do, but then am calmed by those not-so-uncommon moments where I find them all huddled together on the couch looking at a book, or laughing at a movie, or working at a game, and I know everything is going to be alright. They've all taken warmly to our new family situation and Mr. Perfect, as I suspected, takes his role as a step-dad very seriously and prays daily for guidance. The boys love their new sisters and often declare our house "boring" without them here. I look keenly forward to our lifetime of adventures together as a blended family.

In my social life:

*The first few months of 2012 still found me nursing a seriously broken heart, struggling to get over my break up with Dr. Yummy, and also trying to date someone whose company I enjoyed but who just wasn't right for me. It all felt forced and led to a lot of unnecessary emotional turmoil. Plus, there was this deep lingering crush I was still harboring for Mr. Perfect that seemed to interfere with my ability to really "re-attach" myself to anyone. Though I might agree to a dinner or movie with another man, it was nearly always Mr. Perfect I would call to talk to at the end of the day.

*June was a big month. I threw an unforgettable backyard birthday party to celebrate turning 37. I had several bands, a slushee machine, a BBQ truck, and confetti canons. And nearly all of it was free, favors from friends. I didn't know it would be the last of my backyard birthday bashes, but it was a great send off, and a great reminder of the blessings of loving and being loved.

I also finally decided to fly out to California--not just because it had become a yearly tradition since my divorce, but to visit Mr. Perfect for the first time in a year, hoping for a chance with him. We all know how that one ended :)

June also brought about my reunion with Dr. Yummy who asked, rather out of the blue, if he could take me to lunch. I hadn't seen or talked to him since October of 2011, and while something in my heart was stirred at seeing him and being with him again, it didn't compare to what I was now feeling for Mr. Perfect, and I had one of those blessed moments where I understood why I had to go through what I did to get to where I was now.

*Within a five month period, I dated Mr. Perfect, got engaged, and got married at a drive-thru window in Las Vegas. Now THAT was some major life changing! :)

*Socially speaking, I am currently adrift in unknown territory. I feel blessed to live with my best friend and, now, to have my dear boys with me too. I have wonderful friends here in California but it will take time to cement the relationships like I had in Boise--to find a group of writers I respect and challenge me creatively and intellectually, to find those kindred spirits who get my quirky personality. But I'm excited for the adventure and still feel I am just where I'm supposed to be.

In my spiritual life:

*My lessons continue--mostly in faith and trust in the Lord's timing. I have learned, time and again, that things generally work out and my worry over them, beyond that which keeps me motivated in moving forward toward a solution, does no one any good. My motto quickly became: Can you do anything about the problem? If yes, good--don't worry. If no--good, then why worry?
Letting go and letting God help has been a beautiful, developing relationship I hope I continue to nurture.

*I feel incredibly blessed to have helped and been helped this year. I get teary just thinking of all the service, time, and monetary help given myself and my family. I am a blessed, blessed woman.
*I also learned more about forgiveness this year--with Brad losing his job and being unable to pay child support for several months, putting the children and I in dire straits financially. I could have devoted a lot of energy to being angry at and verbally bashing him, but I didn't. Though I wouldn't let him forget his responsibilities, it felt better just to give him the benefit of the doubt, understand his perspective, and try to find solutions on my own. Yesterday would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. I still feel sad to have lost the ideal situation for our family, and I do still miss the man he was--but I wouldn't change things either. I am content. Brave. Joyful. Optimistic. More sure than ever that everything works out in the end, with God's help--and if it hasn't worked out...it's not the end.

Wishing you all a blessed and prosperous 2013. Thank you for your continued love and support. Thank you for your kind words and more. Thank you for continuing on this adventure with me. May peace be in and around you.

With love,
~Jennifer P.