ripping the band aid off

As a rule, I have learned if I want to stay healthy, focused, and happy, I need the following things most days:

*Prayer and scripture study

*Sleep (I can live on 4 hours or 7, as long as I keep it consistent)

*Exercise

*Air and/or Sunshine (preferably combined with the exercise)

*To advance myself toward one of my goals in some way, large or small, usually involving my parenting or writing

It sounds simple enough but, Boy oh boy! Do I ever struggle most days trying to fit those things in with all the other things that need to get done or manage to squeeze themselves into my day after day.

Prayer and scripture study always make it in and I'm certain that I'd get nothing else done at all were it not for them.

Sleep has been a bit boomerang-ish as of late, especially since night person me has been forced to be a morning person in order to get my oldest son off to early morning seminary every day.

I'm adjusting to trying to exercise mostly in a gym since I haven't found any good outdoor running trails here yet that aren't a long drive away, though there's never a shortage of air and sunshine as long as I can get out of my car long enough to appreciate them (did I mention it takes a good 2 hours every day just dropping children off and picking them up from school...?)

The last category is by far the most frustrating. My goal advancement seems to be stumbling aimlessly lately. I submitted to Tin House writers workshop, was accepted (!!!), and then--while I was crowd funding to be able to cover the $800 deposit on account of NOT getting one of the five scholarships--I learned they'd given my spot away and put me on a wait list. I'm fourth. I read and re-read through my acceptance letter where there was never a deadline mentioned for turning money in so I really had no idea I was in danger of losing my spot for not paying right away. I was crushed. Especially after all my friends had purchased my work in order to raise the funds to get me there.

I suppose I could have fought it, demanded they give me my spot back, but the fight just seems to be drained out of me lately.

Mostly due to the other part of my aimless stumbling in my goals, which would be my parenting. During my nearly five years single mothering, I had consistent Heavenly protection and help. I was able to do the impossible daily. It wasn't easy or always joyous, but I was able to bear it. It was like a divine Band Aid.

That protective condition, mixed with the fact that I was just so freaking busy working five jobs and holding down the house sheltered me from a lot of problems that were developing. But now, thanks to my  happy marriage and extremely supportive husband, I'm able to slow down and participate in life more than just hang on to it for dear life. And for all the wonderful blessings it has brought, it's  also meant ripping that Band Aid off. The move to a bigger city, the transition into teenage years for my older two boys, blending two families, leaving behind home and friends and identities...well, it's been rough for all of us. It's the type of rough that can co-exist with stretches of pure joy (I really DO love my Mr. Perfect and my kids and our new home and adventures), but rough nonetheless.

So, I'm trying with all my might to raise dropped school grades, help my boys make good new friends, find new interests, teach them to use their agency and words wisely.  Keep them motivated. Show them the benefits of hard work. Teach them to look beyond the right now and labor for things they want most.  Help them to make their dad an active part of their lives even with the distance. And all this with me trying to let go of the guilt-plaguing idea that their struggles are, "all my fault."  And to find my own new place in this new life as well.

Gratefully, I couldn't ask for a better partner in it all than my Mr. Perfect who has the faith of Job and whose humor always warms even the bleakest of days. He's devoted to us, to his girls, to my boys, to helping us be the best family we can be. And whereas I get discouraged when I don't see my efforts paying off when and how I want them to, he gently reminds me that things take time. Usually more time than we're comfortable with. But the results are always worth the wait.

Given the evidence of the last seven years of my life, you'd think I would have figured this out already, huh?

So, now that the Band Aid is off, we can clean the lingering wound and start down the road to a healed life, knowing that God is still with us. Still. Always. And if we keep our hearts and lives inclined towards Him, we will come to see--sooner or later-- just why things happened why and how they did.