all is calm, all is bright

I received a blog comment in my inbox the other day: "Where are you? I miss your adventures!"

Had I really gone more than two months without posting? Did I really let Z's 16th birthday go by without mention? Mr. Perfect's book deal? Thanksgiving? My first anniversary?

Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes.

Though, credit be to me, I did record them all in my journal. Which is an accurate reflection of my life lately: Less public, more private. Though "The Peterson's Go Private!" just doesn't have the same ring to it, I know.

But, for those wondering, for those who have kindly, mercifully stayed on this journey with me all these years, I will step forward from time to time, even if it feels less familiar to do so.

Mr. Perfect and I celebrated one year of marriage on November 24. Our brilliant children surprised us by covering our entire kitchen with white paper hearts bearing the sweetest (and funniest) messages of love and well wishes. I couldn't imagine any better gift!

In many ways, marrying was as much a trauma as getting divorced was. Not in the heartbreaking way, but in the way it was a complete life change that I couldn't have possibly prepared for. I was ready to leave behind my dream house, my city, my jobs, my friends, my place of belonging...but I didn't really KNOW how that would feel day after day, especially when so many unfamiliar things get scary in the sort of way that makes me cry, "I just want to go hoooooome!"

Both of us came into our union a little tweaked from damage done to us in our previous marriages, and it is a process to learn trust, to not let small things trigger large fears. We've been gentle and forgiving with one another, partnered with God and are willing to let time prove our character, and that has made all the difference. I truly couldn't ask for a better friend, companion, helpmeet. So much laughter, so many smiles, so many moments I could live in forever!

Over the last year I have slowly learned where I am in my new world. Learned to navigate the 405 (but only going south), learned what grocery stores sell the best this and that, the best spot for body surfing on the beach, best vintage clothing, best places to go running. I went to the garden store and learned the names of all the plants and flowers that grow here so I could give names to things I was seeing. I learned to call a "neighborhood" a "tract." I learned the slight but distinct flow of seasons in a place that at first seems like an endless summer.  I learned that there are a lot of homeless people here and no shelters and so they sleep in vacant lots and on bus benches but that doesn't mean they are dead and so I don't need to call the police and report a body... (true story)

I hope soon to discover who I am in my new world. Self-defining and achieving was such a major part of my being single. Now, my time has returned largely to my family and home--homeschooling, more children meaning more housework and cooking and errands and activities, and the boys with me nearly all year instead of spending two weekends a month with their dad. And sleeping! Oh, the comfort in being able to sleep more than 3-4 hours a night again. It really is all so wonderful!  But, I still have a desire to write, to be amongst other writers, to contribute to the literary community. Some days it feels more hopeless than others, or I let it bother me more than it should. I feel lost and unimportant.

But between Heavenly Father and Mr. Perfect telling me differently, the feelings pass quickly. I know what I want, I know what I am capable of. What will be, will be. I will make it happen or let it  happen, but there is no reason to abandon the dream simply because the route changed.

I also  hope to continue to help my boy squad heal and adjust. The last year was both thrilling for and hard on them, too. We grew closer together, learned a lot about each other's weaknesses, weathered a lot of culture shock. It's been hard letting them all get so big and independent, but I am also proud of the young men they are growing into. I am happy that Mr. Perfect is able to take on a friend and mentor roll with them and their father can continue to father them. I'm glad they are learning what it means to get along with sisters. It is a weird new "family" but thank goodness scripture is full of weird families that worked.

Sitting here now, late at night--the house quiet, the washer and dryer whirring, the Christmas tree glowing, I feel to echo the sentiment that all is calm, all is bright. My heart is at peace.  I see the challenges ahead but anticipate good things. I knew that re-marriage, even to the most perfect man for me would not be the end to trials in life. There would still be stormy waters to row...though what a blessed thing not to be rowing alone anymore.

 

I sleep, every night, in heavenly peace.