it's all been done

I don't know that I've ever believed in predestination. Or self-fulfilling prophecies. Or, as Freud claims, the idea that we will always recreate difficult situations from our childhoods in an attempt to continue working through them, thereby "dooming" ourselves to repeat mistakes again and again.....and again.

And yet, lately I've been re-thinking a lot of that. Some things in my life just seem to be too ironic not to ponder.

My cousin and I have been doing some family history research to gather stories about our family (her mom is my dad's sister). Turns out our great-great Grandpa who did great things like cross the plains with the Mormon pioneers from Nauvoo, Illinois to Salt Lake City, and march to the aid of the United States government with the Mormon battalion--was also the first man in Utah to be granted a divorce. He had three wives and divorced two of them. One for adultery on her part. Not sure of the reasoning behind the second one. We don't know what became of our great grandfather's marriage, but our regular grandfather was divorced, as were both our parents, as are we. Not exactly a family trait we care to pass down.

Then I think of my current situation. Growing up, there was so much stuff about my mom that I loved. She was kind and funny and friendly and creative and tenaciously optimistic, always putting the needs of others first while still taking opportunities to learn and try new things to make sure she didn't "lose" herself. There were also a few things about her, or life in general, that I didn't like at all---and that I vowed I would work as hard as I could to have be different for my own family:

Like the fact that because she was widowed when she was only 37, she had to work hard to provide for my 3 siblings and me. Insanely hard. She would leave just after dropping us off at school and not come home till 6:30 at night. Then it would be housework and homework and often working a second job catering. Looking back at pictures taken during those years, the dark circles under her eyes tell the whole story. My brother and I got into the most trouble--as bored, creative, unsupervised kids are wont to do-- during those few hours between school ending and mom coming home. She did her best, but there were so many dance and music and awards ceremonies she wasn't able to attend. It was rare that she took a sick day, but those were always my favorite days. I loved coming home and having her there. Her presence made our house feel like home.

I vowed that when I had kids, I was going to be that kind of mom who made family dinners and baked cookies and was just....there. I did everything I could to ensure that. First, I married a man who (I thought) shared that desire, and who was willing to work as hard as he had to to make sure that privilege was given to me. Second, I prepared myself for the job of mom. I learned to cook, to care for babies and entertain kids, and eventually--when my kids proved too smart for school-- I figured out how to home school. I **rocked** the job of stay at home mom. And I loved every minute of it.

And now.

I'm still at home and have a few more years of being blessed to be so until my "funding" runs out. But it's different now with school worked in and only me to do everything around the house inside and out. I notice bags under my eyes in pictures too. And I have to wonder "why?" WHY?!?! Why did I have to end up in the same situation with the same problems that I lived my life to have be different for my kids?

Seems a bit ironic, doesn't it. All of it.

I guess I've given up on having any real answers in this life, and have taken to just gathering the questions instead. One day--I believe God will answer them for me and it will all make sense. The how's and why's and what's and when's of this life. I know I am more than the sum of what seem to be my failures, and I take hope in that .....and in the fact that--more than anything--I know I am not alone in this ironic enduring.

*and as for the promised story--give me one more week of tweaking it and then I promise to put it up :).