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The sky was hanging in that orangey-gray state between dusk and dark when I pulled into the driveway of my house. I could see one of the cats sitting in the windowsill wiping at his face with a licked paw. Anupam's Jeep Cherokee pulled up behind me. He stepped out, resting his chin on the door frame, watching me as I approached. He looked happy.
"Are you ready?" he asked.
I glanced over my shoulder toward the house, "I need to run up and check on my mom" I said, "let her know where I"m going. I'll be right out."
Mom and I would usually sit on her bed on Sunday nights, watching episodes of old TV shows on DVD--currently we were into season 2 of Barney Miller. Sometimes I'd make popcorn and malted milkshakes or paint her fingernails.
I wasn't sure what I was going to tell her about tonight. Should I downplay it all? Maybe even ask if she minded if I went with Anupam? Of course she would say yes, but at least it would let her know that she was still my first priority. Or should I jump up and down, squealing about being in love the way I wanted to?
I turned the knob and stepped inside the house, leaving the front door open behind me. "Mom" I called, climbing the stairs, "Hey Mom! I'm home!" The other cat emerged from the bathroom and rubbed against my legs. I quietly opened her bedroom door and stuck my head in. "Mom" I whispered, "are you awake?" The dim light coming through the window revealed her outline in bed, her back to me. I considered for a moment just leaving another note, but I didn't know if she'd heard anything about the fire and didn't want her to be worried.
Entering the room, I noticed the breakfast tray next to her bed. The half a bagel with cream cheese. The bowl of blueberries. The tail of an herbal tea bag trailing out of a mug. The note I'd scribbled on a yellow post-it. None of it had moved. I could see too, the baby blue tint of her pajamas in the semi-dark. The ones she had on when I left this morning.
My body locked in place. My voice wouldn't go above a whisper. "No,no,no,no,no" I repeated, a sickening shiver rattling through my body, "no,no,no,no,no" Then, as if shoved by an invisible hand, I was down on my knees at her bedside, my arms draped across her motionless hips. my face buried in the satin of her back.
"Mama. Mama. I'm so sorry!" I sobbed. A deep well kind of sob. The kind that came without promise of a bottom. "Oh God! I am so sorry! I should have been here! I should have been here!"
In its shock, my mind tried to grab hold of something besides reality, besides the flood of questions trying to drown it: Why did Jerry Ecker have to go to Sacramento? Why did it have to be so damn hot in October? Why did I have to be so unsettled by some dream I couldn't even remember?
It was then that the poem about going back for the book came to me again. I thought about the ghost of myself who hadn't chosen to get out of bed early that morning to go to work. The one not so enraptured with possibility. Where was she? Was her mother still alive?
A voice sounded from downstairs. That voice, Anupam's voice, coming closer. "Jillian? Hello, Jillian?" I could hear his feet bristling the carpet, "Is everything alright?"
My mind reeled again, drawing me through the timeline of the day, crushing me beneath the weight of all that it was. I was the smell of the ocean. I was a handful of size 8's. I was Eunice, terrified of fire. I was Charley swaying alone in the parking lot. I was my hand inside another. I was the cat in the window. Then I was just unbeautiful Jillian Bayne, embracing the body of her dead mother. With an intensity, my mouth remembered itself. It spoke the only answer I had to any of this, "Anupam Raju."
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Hey Ladies who stuck with me! Thank you sooooo much for reading! This is the first story I've completed since highschool (a billion and one years ago!). I know it doesn't represent my finest writing, but it felt so good to get something out from beginning to end, and really develop a character plagued by the consequence of choice. I was hoping, by not revealing the exact tone of Jillian's voice as she spoke the last line to let the reader decide whether or not she sees ol' Anupam as a solution to the problem (as in, finally she's free to live her life type of thing), or if she sees him as the cause of the problem, being that it was her sudden infatuation with him that caused her to miss the moment of her mother's death. What do you think? Was Anupam the cause or the solution?
Thanks again---we'll get back to my regularly scheduled life now :) !!!
8 comments:
WOW, Jennifer. Amazing. I can't begin to imagine what it took to write this. It was AMAZING! You are an incredible writer. I hope someday you write a book.
(I once took a class by children's author Judy Cox on how to write children's literature... that task was extremely daunting, more so than I had imagined. I basically skipped the last class because I never could produce any sort of writing! After that experience, I am extremely impressed at anyone who can write... it's a TALENT and a lot of hard work!)
I have to admit, the first thing that came to my mind was that Jillian sees Anupam as the cause. The romantic in me would like to see Anupam as the solution, but my initial reaction was that Jillian felt regret because of her obsession with Anupam.
Thanks so much for sharing and putting yourself out there! I absolutely enjoyed every minute of it.
Great story, Jen! I LOVED it! You are very gifted with words and language...and always have been.
My initial reaction to your question is that he was the cause of her missing her mother's death. But on second thought, I decided that he is really the solution. When we lose a loved one, initially we are focused on their death and the circumstances surrounding it. However, as time passes, we are able to accept and see beyond their death to celebrating the life that was lived and the memories/experiences that we shared. How/Why they died becomes less important (although still painful) and it becomes important to keep them alive by sharing/talking/reliving........ To do this one must have someone to talk with. In this way, I see Anupam as the solution...the way for her to get through the very hard times that are ahead.
Congratulations on your story and the award you earned. Very deserving!! Can't wait until I get to read your next creation!
Jana
That was just a pleasure! Such perfect writing.
I would think if I could council Jillian :) that perhaps her mom wanted her to not be there when she passed. Some may want to do that alone. Any mom (and especially this one in your story) would want their daughter to spread their wings, find love, and leave the nest. What perfect timing that he came along when he did. OH PLEASE write more of this story so we can see them fall in love! I'm thinking a "My big fat Greek Wedding" ending ") That's who Jillian reminds me of.
T
p.s. I definitely thought Anupam was the solution.
I stuck in there, but my sad, drowning in Christmas activities brain has forgotten the middle part of the story...what dream? What choice did she make? Argh!
I MUST go back and re-read.
Until then, I though of Anupam as the solution. Her knight. Her happy thought away from the mundane, and now from sadness.
Wow, I think I'm deep in denial.
Loved the story though!
(even if I can only remember the outline ;)
My romantic self sees Anupam as the solution. But after getting to know Jillian, she will probably have some guilt that she won't deal with for a while and finally end up making him the cause. Great story. It kept me wanting more.
I enjoyed every word of this. I think Jillian will see Anupam as the cause, but I hope she does come to see that she would've discovered her mom dead whether she was working or coming in to check on her later. Such a good story and it left me still wanting to know more. What does she do now? How do things work out for her? Does she finally get to live a life with more excitement than selling orthopedic shoe inserts? :)
I'm so glad that you get to write and spend time doing something you are good at. I know your life is not easy, but you have a beautiful gift and I am so grateful for the times you've shared it here on your blog.
That was good. A nice modern short story.
I think Anupam is a solution, but if Jillian isn't careful or smart, he could become a problem--especially because of her limited experience with men and new emotional instability, and the loss of her best role model. Poor Jillian, doesn't have a lot of luck does she? And yet, with her mother's death, she is finally free to be her own self and maybe this is her chance to break out of her cocoon and finally really live--doing more than selling shoe inserts. She'll put some inserts in and walk off into the sunset( ;) ) onto t he pathway to the rest of her new life.
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