poor, poor me...

Yeah--that's what I've been thinking this week. It has been one doozie of a seven days! My internship came to a stressful crescendo when, at the last minute, I was put in charge of compiling and running all the music and sound effects for The Tempest. I spoke to a successful literary agent out of New York who told me just how hard it is to make it as a writer and that I should for sure consider going into some other field if I plan on supporting my family. I paid a year's worth of my living expenses to taxes, leaving the "threat" of needing to find full time employment looming ever closer. My boys, as kids are wont to do, have been busy undoing all the spring cleaning and organizing I did. And to put a cherry on the whole thing, my 3 year old ended up constipated...and all that that entails. ***SIGH***

Needless to say--there was a lot of sorrowful violin music playing in my head this week. "Poor, poor me" I thought again and again. "What did I ever do to 'deserve' all this? Haven't I loved thee, God? Haven't I always been a good and thankful steward over my blessings?"

All I can say is: thank heavens for the scriptures! I am fully convinced they are the best self-help book ever written covering every problem one can ever have. I've been studying the Old Testament since January and made it to Numbers this week....where I found just the answer I was looking for.

In Numbers 11, we find Moses having his own 'poor me' experience. Speaking to the Lord he says, "Wherefore hast thou afflicted thy servant? and wherefore have I not found favour in thy sight that thou layest the burden of all this (people) upon me? Whence should I have flesh to give (unto all this people)?...I am not able to bear all this (people) alone, because it is too heavy for me." (vs. 11, 13-14)

The Israelites, whom Moses was leading, were growing weary of their situation in the wilderness--subsiding on manna daily-- and had begun to desire the things of their past, namely the meat and food they enjoyed while in bondage in Egypt. I, too, was tempted (as I have been many times) to look back at all the things I have lost: my beloved husband, my father and mother, my financial security, the ability to be a full time mother and homeschooler, the peace for my children that a two-parent home brings, my less jaded opinion of the world. In doing that though, I was quickly losing sight of all that I still have to be grateful for now. No...my situation is not perfect. I am terrified that I am going to fail in numerous ways. I do not want the burden of caring for and supporting my children alone--just as Moses didn't want to bear his burden alone either.

And you know what the Lord did for me?..... The same thing he did for Moses. He sent help in the form of other people "that they shall bear the burden (of thy people) with thee, that thou bear it not thyself alone." For me, God sent help in the form of a friend who knew how to mix music so I could accomplish the internship task given to me. He sent it in the form of a friend with an English degree who had a few ideas of what I might be able to do post-graduation. He sent it in the form of another possible internship that would give me more work experience. There was a friend who watched my kids. A friend who mowed my lawn. Several friends who just checked in on me and made me laugh.

I didn't receive any of the answers or opportunities I've been praying so diligently for this week--but I did survive it. And I am filled with hope that I can make it through next week too. And the next. And whatever life is going to continue to throw at me. Because just like Moses--I'm not alone. God sends people when we need them the most--I'm sure of that. And, of course, He is there for me always.

Who knows....maybe after 40 years I'll get to go into my own promised land flowing with milk and honey (or Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream :) ) For now, I guess I'm going to keep making the best of this wilderness experience---and stay ever thankful for those hanging out here with me.