why i haven't moved on

I got an email from my ex husband last week. He was curious to know why, after 2 1/2 years since our separation and divorce, I hadn't "moved on yet" ? He was certain I would be immediately snatched up by (in his words) somebody more worthy of me than him.

Well, gee, Brad--it's not like I haven't been trying. First, there's the issue of the fact that I was stark, raving in love with you and in love with our marriage and our life and family in general. That took some time to get over, and--in truth--is still a healing wound. Then there's the fact that the pool of eligible, sane men willing to date divorced women with 4 children isn't exactly vast. Well, that's not entirely true. There are a lot more available men than I would have guessed. In fact, I have dated, pursued, or been pursued by 17 men in the last 2 years. Been in 3 serious relationships (Haute Cakes, Green Eyes, and one I'm still in the midst of, with hope, with Ninja). Gotten flowers, jewelry, candy, and love letters that would put a healthy blush in any woman's cheeks. And did my fair share of kissing. It has truly been like living in a soap opera.

---That's not as cool as it sounds.---

Because I really would just like to find someone--or not find someone and be ok with it--and get on with my life already. I don't think I'm too picky. I don't have a particular type ,and my interests and personality are varied enough that I can be happy with a lot of different kinds of people. But I do have a short checklist of areas of compatibility that I know I need have to be happy and thrive in a second marriage, and despite dating some really amazing men--none of them have passed the whole checklist yet.

I need to be compatible with whoever Mr. Jennifer P. might be:

1. PHYSICALLY: He doesn't have to be superstar gorgeous (you're talking to a woman whose celebrity crushes are Alan Rickman and Sporticus, so, yeah.) but let's face it, if there isn't a spark, a chemistry, a type of raw attraction--what's the point of going on? I tend to be most attracted to men based on personality, but a great smile or a nice set of shoulders or happy eyes don't hurt either :). Talent and/or intelligence are just as attractive as any physical attribute in my book, too.

2. EMOTIONALLY: I need someone who understands I'm a creative, slightly quirky soul. That sometimes I worry too much, and it might come off as being pessimistic--but that I truly believe that everything works out for the best in the end. I feel deeply, I hurt deeply, but I also love deeply. I need someone who makes me laugh--every day--and is willing to pick me up when I'm down, and let me pick him up, too. Someone who doesn't dote on me, but gives me regular, genuine compliments and makes me feel like I'm the only woman in a room.

3. SPIRITUALLY: I hate to mingle religion with spirituality but, at least in my life, they're pretty inseparable. I need someone who puts God in the center of their lives. Who practices what they profess to believe. Who is willing to pray and search the scriptures and listen for answers. Someone who isn't afraid to surrender themselves to a Higher Power. I believe a shared faith is a type of glue that will hold a couple together through the toughest of times.

4. FINANCIALLY: Most divorced men are supporting an ex-wife and children. That needs to be their priority. But that usually leaves very little left over for them, or for the support of a new family. And with economic times being like they are the situation is even more bleak. I don't need a rich man (not that I'd complain if I found one), but I do need someone as dedicated to living within a budget as I am. One that's not going to bring a crippling amount of debt with him. And, ideally, someone who makes enough to let me stay home with my family (and potentially his) as much as possible. As a younger woman looking for someone to marry, this didn't matter much to me at all. It was all about potential then. But now, at 35, I have to look at what is *actually* there and ask myself if I can live with it. Boo for being a grown up. But I have to use what I've learned and can't hide behind naivety.

5. FAMILIAL-LY: (did I make that word up? hmmm). I am not looking for just me. If I was, any number of these men I've dated would have been perfect. My boys and I are a set. If you don't know their names by our third date, you're out. If you aren't kind to your own children, you're out. If your kids are out of control brats who are mean to my boys, you're out. If you act like I'm the only one who matters and pay no attention to my kids, you're out. Simple as that. I know I am fully capable of loving someone else's children like my own, and I expect the same. They will need to come first in my life and my priorities until they are grown, and Mr. Jennifer P. will have to understand that and treat his own children the same way.

So, ex-husband, that's why--after 2 1/2 years I haven't moved on. Sorry if I've disappointed you. I would have liked to just have the perfect man in the perfect situation dumped in my lap right away. Like a reward for the unreciprocated time and effort and devotion I put into our marriage. But it didn't happen that way. Almost. But not quite. So, I will continue to be the butt of jokes about assembling a "man harem" or whatever--but I am not just playing around here. I'm looking for keeps. And if that takes 3 years or 5 years or 10, I'm going to do it right.