walking into the dark again: the year that will make or break me

My blog has gone silent (gasp!) but I still take a lot of care to select music I think would fit the post, so if you were one who liked a little soundtrack, feel free to make it play right over there. <--------

I have no idea what is going to happen in the next year. I am terrified and overwhelmed by its immense power to forever change me, and my children's lives--for better or worse.Somehow, if I manage to survive next semester with it's 1000 pages of reading a week, plus non-fiction writing, plus my Senior Seminar...I will graduate with my Writing degree in April. Unwilling to leave the state because of my custody arrangement, I have put all my eggs in one basket and applied only to the MFA in Creative Writing program at the university I currently attend. It's a fairly prestigious program that would give me a chance to work with this guy, and this one, and this one--writers I have admired for a long time. Writers who I know could help mold me into a force to be reckoned with.
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My life has been largely shaped by things beyond my control to this point--death, sickness, abandonment, abuse. I know that doesn't mean I'm helpless, and I have done all in my power to keep my attitude toward it all in check. To keep fighting and believing that there are amazing things still out there for me. There are opportunities that I have really wanted, and dreams I was willing to chase--but amidst those there has also been this persistent voice in my mind saying: "you know if it doesn't come to pass, you need to still love where you are and who you are and what you have, right now."
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Unless I get the situation with my alimony figured out, my funding will run out within the year. It has been such a blessing to just live, knowing that our needs are taken care of. I lost a LOT of money to taxes and loss of interest, orthodontic work for kids, schooling, hospital bills, and keeping my van running. I have lived within my budget every month aside of those things and feel at peace knowing there was nothing more I could have done. I will more than likely lose our home. We will live off student loans and whatever income I can generate through freelance writing and cleaning offices at night. I don't know where the boy squad and I will go or what we will do, we really have no one to fall back on, no parents to move in with. But we have proved that we can do hard things---and we will do them again. If I give up my dream now--the one I know, if given the chance, can provide for us; if I let it be just another one of those things beyond my control--well...I'll honestly still be ok doing whatever, wherever. But can I just say that I really, really want this? I want to write. I want to teach writing to other people who want to write. God's will be done first and always, but I'm kind of hoping this is one of those situations where our wills are in harmony.
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Anyway, I am inching along day by day, knowing I will be consumed by fear and my own inadequacy if I spend too much time looking ahead. It's going to get really, really scary here. I'm going to need all the prayers and good thoughts and good advice I can get. I keep hoping one day we'll finally emerge onto the other side of all these trials, but if nothing gets better, there's still a lot to be grateful for. What a comfort that is.

So, Big Bad Scary Year (or two or three or four), I have no idea how I'm going to tackle you...but watch out! because I am going to do it.