purpose-driven whining

I got an anonymous commenter the other day on one of my older posts. He/she/it said "Stop Whining." Well, thank you Anonymous! I will try to send help since you are clearly being held hostage and FORCED to read my blog against your will. Sheesh. I'm not mad, just laughing at the variety of rather mean comments left over the years under the cover of anonymity. You can't please everyone.

I realize much of what I have written lately is heavy, kind of sad, and yes...maybe even borderline whiney. This is my place to vent. To let out the sadness and the anger and the fear and the frustration like a long, calming exhale. I let it go with a little prayer that writing about what I am struggling with and what I'm learning in those struggles might benefit someone else besides myself. When something happy or funny happens or comes to mind, I am just as excited to share, and hope that gets recognized.

I start classes again today--two intersession ones to make up for the 4 extra credits I was denied taking next semester. Learning about Media and Entrepreneurial Marketing wasn't exactly how I planned on spending my Christmas vacation, but seems to be another one of those things that "just is" and will have to be worked around--and which will probably be more interesting than I expect. I asked my ex if he would be willing to take another 6-9 evening with the boys in addition to the two he already has, just until the break is over. There was also an entire Friday I needed him to take them for an all day workshop class I was required to be at. AND I had to sit down to draw up a chart to finalize who will be watching my little J and at what days/times next semester. Nothing like carving up your children between their parents as if they were Christmas ham, eh?

If there is any one thing I will probably struggle my entire life to forgive Brad for, it would be that, through his unabashed selfishness, he took my boys away from me, took away my blessing of full-time mothering, and forced me to hand them off to others for waaaay too long, waaaaay too often. Good, kind caretakers, yes---but none of them me. And there is just no substitute for mom.


When I was married, I understood that Brad worked. He worked very, very hard for the benefit of the boys and me. I was not always happy about his long hours; in fact, it was one of the few things we argued about. I missed him, the kids missed him, and I worried constantly about the effects that such long hours and very little sleep were having on his physical health. But I also understood that because of his hard work, I was blessed to stay home with the boys. I never took that blessing lightly. I liked to believe that we were first in Brad's heart, but that life's circumstances required him to put work first. I got that. We adapted. He worked, I took care of the boys and the home. We made good use of our time together. It was a good system.

And now--once I enter the workforce, I, too, will have to put work first. And Brad will still have to put his work first. And then who will be around to put the boys first? Yes--they can continue to be "first in my heart", but that doesn't mean that I will be available to stay with them when they get sick. Or that I could go to their musical performances in the middle of the day. All the little hugs and kisses and funny things I get to be a part of now, because I'm here--I won't get to be here for anymore. I am in tears thinking of all that I might, and most likely WILL, miss out on. It's just not fair to them. Or to me. I don't even have the benefit of my own mother--who would have been the best substitute--still living to help me.

It makes me really, really, really, really angry--like wishing I had something to throw and break angry--and I can count on one hand all the things that have ever flared my rage to that level. You don't mess with my babies.

I am going to continue to give the gifts to my children that I can. Make the best of little moments and simple traditions. Tell them every day that I would like nothing more in the entire world just to be home with them and hope they understand that I work out of need, not desire. I pray to be able to find some kind of job that will allow me to keep similar hours as them. And I pray that they still have a chance at feeling happy and safe in their childhoods. Any prayers you want to add to mine would be greatly appreciated. As Harriet Beecher Stowe said: "When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

One of these days things are bound to turn for the boy squad and me...because we've been holding on in that tight place a long, long time now. So call me a whiner if you will, but my heart is breaking and I use these words to release that break--and whatever portion of my anger will go with it, and seek a healing solution.