still, still, still

We're in the midst of a snow day here. 7 1/2 inches last night. School was cancelled for both the boy squad and me. Contemplating going out to shovel the driveway but it seems pointless when the snow is still coming down as if my city were a snow globe that someone keeps shaking and shaking and shaking.

So--that means we're not going anywhere for the day. We've got enough milk, bread, and  dark chocolate to get us through (that last one is for me :) ). And of course, playing in the snow is always fun. So I'm OK with not going anywhere for a day...maybe two...but honestly, I don't think I could bare the thought of being stuck where I am for much longer than that.

And wow! if that thought didn't get me thinking this morning.

I am of the opinion that most addictive/compulsive behaviors result from the inability to be still. When you're hurt or angry or overwhelmed--can you honestly sit with those emotions without running to anything else? I know I have struggled with that all my life, being someone who FEELS so intensely as I do. In my early teenage years, I ran to alcohol (thank goodness I got that problem "fixed").  In my later teenage years to early 20's, I ran to some false sense of control I had created with anorexia. At other times in life, I have ran away to exercise, to men, to my computer, to television, to books, to shopping. Yeah. I'm OK admitting this because at least I've acknowledged this about myself and can try to keep ahead of it: I'm a runner-awayer. A cover-upper. A perfectionist. Moderation is not an easy concept for me to handle and I struggle with keeping myself away from addictive-compulsive behaviors.

I feel my 35  years have already been packed with a life or two worth of experiences. I feel like an old soul. Sometimes, I know, I even look it. So take this advice as if getting it from some wise man on a hill: Acknowledge a higher power than yourself. Obviously, for me, that is God, but I realize some people aren't quite ready to enter into a relationship with their Maker, and to them I say, find a thing you DO feel is greater than yourself, and get in contact with him/her/it. And then sit.

When everything inside you is screaming for you to get up, run away, do something, go somewhere, get rid of the discomfort...Just sit. And be still. And let that Higher Power talk to you. See if you can do it for 5 minutes, then 10, then 15. Until you reach a point where you are at peace and could sit there all day if you had to, or wanted to. Try it even when you're happy and want to eat a quart of Ben and Jerry's to celebrate or want to scream your accomplishments to the world. Just sit. Be still.

I can't always do it. It's a process that needs rediscovering and refining again and again because those trials and those temptations come hard and fast and are forever re-inventing themselves. But I know as I learn to master this process, I learn to master myself. And that's the most peaceful feeling in the world.