But, under this guise of "calling me out", his
Yeah.
I asked him please never to talk to me again. Only I didn't say please.
I didn't want to lose the friendship, at least the good parts of it, or even the honest parts of it. But I am extremely aware of my own weaknesses and don't need them flung at me like monkey poop. And frankly, I think he got a lot of what he said wrong. It feels kind of like being in one of my writers groups, when someone or other will read my story and say, "I don't like what happens in this part." or "I don't like the introduction of this character." And then it's up to me to either delete the bad part, acknowledging that it's bad; or, prove why they're wrong.
I don't know if behavior is a thing that can be proved, but I do feel the need to try. For my own sake. Because that's what this post is helping me work through. It's not a scathing attack on my friend, whom I miss, but the chance to prove to myself that I'm further than he thinks I am.
Accusation 1: I do acknowledge that I kept a lot of things from my children over the years about their dad. I chose to focus on what was still good about him, because that's what I would have wanted to hear as a child. I knew the time would come when Brad wouldn't be able to hide who he had become anymore, and I thought the best thing I could do would be to lay a foundation of forgiveness and resiliency for them to deal with it when that time came. Sadly, my E had been secretly holding on to some hope that his dad was going to come home and we would be a family again. My friend accused me of planting that within him. And if I did, I'm sorry. It was something I hadn't discussed out loud since Brad first left. Was there still a little hope left in me for such a reconciliation? Sure. But just as real, if not more so, was my gut feeling that he wouldn't and I needed to move on.
Accusation 2: Wallow in sorrow on my blog? If you choose to see it that way, then maybe. My blog represents "blips" of my life, not a constancy of it. My path forward to a new future has not been completely straight, nor has it been fast. I stall a lot. I walk sideways. Sometimes I even take a step or two back. No one has the right to tell another how to grieve. I know in my heart where I'm going and that I'm getting there as quickly as I can. And as for pity, please don't pity me. I don't want it. Empathy? Yes. The bond of a shared experience, the ability to help each other through and benefit from the things we have experienced---THAT is what I want. THAT is why I persist in writing this, even when I take some flack for it.
Accusation 3: Well, I'm sorry my friend didn't feel the genuine care I put into the things I did for him. The many prayers I have and will continue to offer in his behalf. I hope others who been the recipients of service or kindness by me have not felt used or manipulated in any way. There have been plenty of things I have done anonymously or at least as quietly as I could, not wanting recognition of any kind. Am I selfish from time to time. Heck ya! We all are. Do I make mistakes? Daily! But I can promise that, while I am very self-aware, I am not as self-centered as he thinks me to be.
Maybe this is true? I don't know. I do know that while I might have made the right choice to distance myself from this friend for the time being, I don't like the feeling of it. I feel like I should apologize, but I don't know for what.
If this journey through the pain and difficulty of divorce towards true healing were the flight from Sodom and Gomorrah, I would definitely be salt right now. I do look back. A lot. There's a lot of good stuff back there! A lot of happy memories I would still like to take comfort in. And really, I've been under no commandment NOT to look back in this situation. It's been part of the process of making peace with all of it. I like where I'm at right now, too. Honestly. And I even like where I'm going. I'm a pretty neat lady, and no one can tell me any differently. Though, if you do, I'll still give it some consideration....because I'm not afraid to do so.
11 comments:
I realize this friend still reads my blog from time to time and might feel the need to defend himself or to further talk about me. He can do that. Or, he can send me an email. I think I have given him every advantage and genuinely wish him all the best.
Losing a friend is hard, I'm sorry. I think your unknown quote says it all.
Heather
Oh for goodness sake! I have a really hard time seeing how comments like that from someone could possibly be helpful or productive. I for one disagree.
Sorry bout that!
I have been so impressed with how you have handled the situation with Brad and your kids. If it were me, I would've been calling him every bad name under the sun, and then some. And what good would that do for me or the kids??? I know you've always had your kids' best interest at heart, and I feel like there would have been NO EASY WAY for your kids to adjust to this. Whether you told them everything right at first or later. I have also really appreciated your openess about how your divorce has affected you. I haven't had that inside glimpse of the difficulties experienced of going through a divorce, and it has opened my eyes. When I read one of your posts that tears my heart out, I cling more closely to Greg. I appreciate the good choices he makes, and try to be a better wife, friend, and companion to him. And when I share my feelings about what you are going through, I think it helps him recommit to being a better husband as well. Your posts have made us grow closer to each other. And for that I thank you! I'm so sorry you have lost this meaningful friendship. Sometimes people who "tell it like it is", don't always have the right perspective and go off of what they think is best in their life. But that doesn't mean it's always the right thing for someone else. I think you're pretty amazing! I wouldn't be able to do all that you are doing. Your kids are lucky to have you for a mom!
Laura
Jennifer, It is your blog and your life. I think you should be able to SAY or FEEL anyway you want to and tell the whole world. No one should be able to control that avenue of expression and it is healthy, especially when it truly comes from your wounded, healing heart. Who cares what your friend says, you are doing the best that you can do and navigating your way through this life that is your mission, not his.
I've probably said too much.
ps. Tom was pretty upset after hearing the news,too and couldn't get it off his mind.
Mindy
As you said, a blog is only a glimpse at ones life, not a 24/7 picture.
No one can do everything right in a terrible situation, mainly due to the fact that you are not in control of all the circumstances. Someone else, Brad, made decisions that you had no say in. You can't even know everything your children are thinking, you can only do your best to support and encourage them.
It is normal that a child would hope for a reconciliation. And it is natural that you would look back; my word you were married and had 4 children with the man.
It is hard to part ways, if only temporary, with a friend. But, sometimes things change; ones feelings, perceptions,etc. You must do what is best for you, what enables you to continue to do the best for you and your boys.
Keep moving forward, at your pace; you are the one walking it not anyone else. Continue to consider others thoughts objectively. Keep being you!!
Lisa Q
Are you airing your dirty laundry in public? It's understandable for you to be upset/angry with your friend for his comments, but I truly think it's nasty of you to discuss your 'disagreements' so publicly....I think you've driven the last 'nail in the coffin' by doing so. Good luck finding other friends, that can be so honest with you.
I think when people unconstructively criticize you or make attacks it is because there is something in themselves they do not want to face. Maybe it is the same as they are criticizing in you or maybe something similar. I don't know. But it is never ok to be downright mean. Or be hostily judgemental.
To Anonymous that won't sign their name, Jennifer can say anything she wants to on this blog. Its her blog-don't read it if you don't want to. But wait Jennifer, maybe that was the person you wrote about writing back to you.
In fact, I bet it was him.
OMG, I have a big family, 4 children 7 grand/kids and 10 great g/kids and I have seen a lot in this world. Lots of happiness and lots of grief.
I think you write your thoughts very beautiful and I think that it helps you to write them out. Like the lady above, I think you are an amazing person.
What you have gone thru in the last 2-l/2 yrs could be called "living grief". My heart actually hurt with pain when my husband passed away and I know that your heart hurt you when Brad left and indeed probably still hurts whenever you see him or hear him. Your friend should be abe to understand that.
Of course kids always hope their parents can be together again. That is the most natural thing in the world.
Keep on writing about your life so we will know how to pray for you. Your passion for writing comes thru so strong that I know you are going to be a big success someday soon.
Erma K. -TX
Good for you in cutting off ties with that "friend." A true friend would never yell these hurtful things at you. A true friend would carefully state their opinions while being quite careful with your heart. A true friend would know that you've been through quite a lot and the wounds are still raw. They would know that you don't deserve any more heartache in your life. You are right, none of us are perfect. You do things for your children that you think are best for them, I am sure. And, well, if you were holding on to the hope that your ex-husband would come back, that's okay. It can be very difficult to let go of a life you loved. I enjoy reading your blog because of your openess, your honesty, and your frankness. I hope it never changes. I have never met you, but I would guess that much of what you say on here is true, and truth these days is hard to come by. So keep writing, keep feeling, keep sharing. I would have no doubt that the things you post here are having an impact on people's lives. You will find a new friend, or cultivate deeper friendships with the ones you have now and you will be better off. Blessings to you!
((((hugs)))) I know how hard that can be. My prayers are with you....and I hope this past friend can realize that sometimes friends are for a season, and a reason. Blogs are our out loud journals, if someone doesn't want to read our thoughts....don't. Simple as that.
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