To understand where I'm going with this, let me give you a peek into stuff that sloshes around in my big bucket head throughout the day (except when distracted by food, nickles on the sidewalk, friendly pigeons, or the cute guy that twirls the SALE sign in front of the rug and fabric store--seriously, that guy is like a samurai warrior with that thing...)
10 am:
THOUGHT: I am so blessed to have this super dooper job. I love walking in the door everyday, love the environment, love the people I work with and all the stuff I'm being groomed to do.
COUNTER-THOUGHT: For the last three days, or 21 hours, I have done nothing at this job but type the same seven words over and over and over again (said in the midst of classifying a ginormous list of nonprofits according to category... a necessary evil in the process of a much larger project I'm assigned to). Gee, I am so stinking glad I went to school for six years to do the work of a robot and probably end up with carpal tunnel. And dang if I don't miss my kids all. day.long.
**Break for Peanut Butter M&M's from the vending machine**
12:30 pm:
THOUGHT: How fabulous is this?!: I'm using my lunch break from the PR/Marketing job I love to walk down the street to interview a member of a cool rock band I've adored for years for my other job at Fusion Magazine which I also love. The theme from Mary Tyler Moore is playing in my head. Perhaps I should wear a beret tomorrow so I can throw it in the air?
COUNTER-THOUGHT: While fabulous for getting my name out there and providing me with concert and event tickets, the magazine is only paying me $25 for this article which I will probably invest ten hours of time in. This seems highly counter-productive. I should be writing my novel...
**Begin to search sidewalk for nickles and/or friendly pigeons**
5:00pm:
THOUGHT: Can't wait to get home and hug my boy squad up good. They always love me coming home as much as I love coming home. Did I mention how much I miss them? All. day. long.?
COUNTER THOUGHT: The house is going to be trashed because they've been self-entertaining for an hour. Everyone is going to be hungry. Something may be broken. Someone will be crying over a video game turn they feel they were jilted out of. And at least one of my boys will probably be up on the roof.
**Purposely drive home by the fabric and rug shop so I can watch cute sign twirler. It's kind of hot today...maybe he'll be wearing a tank top.**
11:00pm:
THOUGHT: Whatdayaknow...I got asked out three times this week! And while one of them specifically referenced thinking I was pretty, the other two seemed attracted to my humor, my spirituality, my tenacity. That's a good thing. Even though I turned them all down for my own reasons (possibly Seinfeld-ian in nature), it is nice to know men still find me attractive on various levels.
COUNTER THOUGHT: I'm pretty sure one of those dudes was married. None of them are the one I'd really like to be getting to know. The one I'd really like to get to know could have his choice of women, so I should probably give up now. Or continue to not start. And the one thing my rear end doesn't need is more free dinners.
**Bowl of cereal time**
And that's how it goes! Exhausting, no? I get so angry at all those stinky counter thoughts, chalking it up to my being ungrateful somehow. Like I'm just TRYING to find a problem with everything for some prideful and/or stupid and/or subconcious reason.
But, honestly, the part of me that really knows me knows that's not the case. I am one who has always embraced my blessings at the most minuscule levels:
the blessing of socks to keep my feet warm,
the lovely sound of a running washing machine and dryer,
the first dandelion I see knowing that it will turn to seeds I can blow into the wind soon,
the feeling of a piece of chocolate melting on my tongue and rolling down my throat,
the way my L laughs when I tickle him under his chin.
I can't not have a grateful heart for innumerable reasons. So--for me to have stumbled into this Eureka!-like pile of blessings that I have lately, namely in the form of interesting, creative, gainful employment....well, I echo the words of Michael Buble's song "Home":
~And it feels just like I'm living someone else's life. It's like I just stepped outside when everything was going right. ~
So, it's not that I am not grateful from the top of my head to the tips of my desperately-needing-a-pedicure toes, it's just that I'm, well, afraid. Instead of telling God THANK YOU! for my recent blessings, I find myself saying thank you?
Because I know how swiftly they can all be plucked away. Prosperity, relationships, loved ones, health, opportunities: The course of my life has taught me this. So I really, really, really want to just lose myself in the awesomeness of this present, but it's hard to get over the cautious attitude I've adapted over the last 36 years that says I am not meant for such ease. I let it go once in the bliss of my marriage and that didn't end well. I don't want to get too attached to anything, and yet I have such a deep ability in me to attach. I don't want to love anything too much, and yet it is not in my capacity not to love. Hmph. I'm still trying to figure it all out. This I know for sure though:
I'm good with God.He can bless me, He can try me, He can let me bloom where I'm planted and rip me up again, and I'm still going to believe. I'm still going to follow Him. Because I know He doesn't want something FROM me, He wants something FOR me. While I really do hope He keeps handing me some of these nice temporal gifts,even long enough for me to trust that they could stick around awhile, ultimately that thing He wants is to mold and refine me into the best version of myself I could possibly be. A Heavenly daughter. One who can walk back into his presence and say, "I'm home!" I couldn't possibly imagine anything better for myself.
-----
Now for the sappy love at first sight story winner (and they all made me weepy and smiley, so I ended up just drawing a name!): T! You're the winner! Ironic, too, since I WAS in a car accident on my second date with my ex-husband, so I know what an eye-opener/bonder that is. Loved your story! Send me your address and I'll get you your movie card. You just have to promise to go see something with lots of pointless explosions though...do it for me ;).
10 am:
THOUGHT: I am so blessed to have this super dooper job. I love walking in the door everyday, love the environment, love the people I work with and all the stuff I'm being groomed to do.
COUNTER-THOUGHT: For the last three days, or 21 hours, I have done nothing at this job but type the same seven words over and over and over again (said in the midst of classifying a ginormous list of nonprofits according to category... a necessary evil in the process of a much larger project I'm assigned to). Gee, I am so stinking glad I went to school for six years to do the work of a robot and probably end up with carpal tunnel. And dang if I don't miss my kids all. day.long.
**Break for Peanut Butter M&M's from the vending machine**
12:30 pm:
THOUGHT: How fabulous is this?!: I'm using my lunch break from the PR/Marketing job I love to walk down the street to interview a member of a cool rock band I've adored for years for my other job at Fusion Magazine which I also love. The theme from Mary Tyler Moore is playing in my head. Perhaps I should wear a beret tomorrow so I can throw it in the air?
COUNTER-THOUGHT: While fabulous for getting my name out there and providing me with concert and event tickets, the magazine is only paying me $25 for this article which I will probably invest ten hours of time in. This seems highly counter-productive. I should be writing my novel...
**Begin to search sidewalk for nickles and/or friendly pigeons**
5:00pm:
THOUGHT: Can't wait to get home and hug my boy squad up good. They always love me coming home as much as I love coming home. Did I mention how much I miss them? All. day. long.?
COUNTER THOUGHT: The house is going to be trashed because they've been self-entertaining for an hour. Everyone is going to be hungry. Something may be broken. Someone will be crying over a video game turn they feel they were jilted out of. And at least one of my boys will probably be up on the roof.
**Purposely drive home by the fabric and rug shop so I can watch cute sign twirler. It's kind of hot today...maybe he'll be wearing a tank top.**
11:00pm:
THOUGHT: Whatdayaknow...I got asked out three times this week! And while one of them specifically referenced thinking I was pretty, the other two seemed attracted to my humor, my spirituality, my tenacity. That's a good thing. Even though I turned them all down for my own reasons (possibly Seinfeld-ian in nature), it is nice to know men still find me attractive on various levels.
COUNTER THOUGHT: I'm pretty sure one of those dudes was married. None of them are the one I'd really like to be getting to know. The one I'd really like to get to know could have his choice of women, so I should probably give up now. Or continue to not start. And the one thing my rear end doesn't need is more free dinners.
**Bowl of cereal time**
And that's how it goes! Exhausting, no? I get so angry at all those stinky counter thoughts, chalking it up to my being ungrateful somehow. Like I'm just TRYING to find a problem with everything for some prideful and/or stupid and/or subconcious reason.
But, honestly, the part of me that really knows me knows that's not the case. I am one who has always embraced my blessings at the most minuscule levels:
the blessing of socks to keep my feet warm,
the lovely sound of a running washing machine and dryer,
the first dandelion I see knowing that it will turn to seeds I can blow into the wind soon,
the feeling of a piece of chocolate melting on my tongue and rolling down my throat,
the way my L laughs when I tickle him under his chin.
I can't not have a grateful heart for innumerable reasons. So--for me to have stumbled into this Eureka!-like pile of blessings that I have lately, namely in the form of interesting, creative, gainful employment....well, I echo the words of Michael Buble's song "Home":
~And it feels just like I'm living someone else's life. It's like I just stepped outside when everything was going right. ~
So, it's not that I am not grateful from the top of my head to the tips of my desperately-needing-a-pedicure toes, it's just that I'm, well, afraid. Instead of telling God THANK YOU! for my recent blessings, I find myself saying thank you?
Because I know how swiftly they can all be plucked away. Prosperity, relationships, loved ones, health, opportunities: The course of my life has taught me this. So I really, really, really want to just lose myself in the awesomeness of this present, but it's hard to get over the cautious attitude I've adapted over the last 36 years that says I am not meant for such ease. I let it go once in the bliss of my marriage and that didn't end well. I don't want to get too attached to anything, and yet I have such a deep ability in me to attach. I don't want to love anything too much, and yet it is not in my capacity not to love. Hmph. I'm still trying to figure it all out. This I know for sure though:
I'm good with God.He can bless me, He can try me, He can let me bloom where I'm planted and rip me up again, and I'm still going to believe. I'm still going to follow Him. Because I know He doesn't want something FROM me, He wants something FOR me. While I really do hope He keeps handing me some of these nice temporal gifts,even long enough for me to trust that they could stick around awhile, ultimately that thing He wants is to mold and refine me into the best version of myself I could possibly be. A Heavenly daughter. One who can walk back into his presence and say, "I'm home!" I couldn't possibly imagine anything better for myself.
-----
Now for the sappy love at first sight story winner (and they all made me weepy and smiley, so I ended up just drawing a name!): T! You're the winner! Ironic, too, since I WAS in a car accident on my second date with my ex-husband, so I know what an eye-opener/bonder that is. Loved your story! Send me your address and I'll get you your movie card. You just have to promise to go see something with lots of pointless explosions though...do it for me ;).
5 comments:
"I have done nothing at this job but type the same seven words over and over and over again"
No copy/paste? :-|
AH! I never win anything. Oh thank you thank you. I'll take the hubs to "Thor" (maybe our hands will meet in the popcorn tub), hmmm or maybe save it for HP7 part 2 (die Voldy, die!). You just made my day. I admire you endlessly. I have a quote I'm going to send you by Bruce R. McConkie about being blessed for stayin' on that straigh n' narrow. I'll send you my address too. TINIEL
Your brain sounds a lot like mine sometimes. Maybe it's a woman thing?
Your brain sounds a lot like mine sometimes. Maybe it's a woman thing?
Just keep enjoying those little pleasures with all your heart, even just for a few seconds at a time and try not to counter-think. I know exactly what you mean, we are our own worst enemies aren't we!
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