Every now and then, I just have to do one of these dating posts. Partly because they're bitterly humorous, partly because I know you married ladies get a laugh out of all the silliness of me dating at 36, partly because I don't talk a lot about my dating life on here in an attempt to maintain innocent bystanders' privacy [but what a waste of blog fodder to not at least mention it from time to time], and partly (yes...I have FOUR partly's :) ) because I am still such a dating novice. Well, maybe not a novice. After 3 years, I've got a lot of notches on my belt (which doesn't mean what you think it does. It's not the same as a bed post. Sheesh). I've dated everyone from an attorney to a temporarily homeless guy BUT, I am still a novice when it comes to trying to read signals. Does he like me? Does he not? Did he like me at one time but I have now scared him away by saying/doing too much? Did I not say/do enough? Is he just being nice? Why does he keep touching his nose? What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (European)?
I repeat: I'm not that good at reading signs. Or maybe it's that I'm too good at reading them....reading waaaay into them. I mean, I guess the fact that for our last Valentines Day together my ex-husband gave me a talking stuffed animal he got for free for buying three cards at the Hallmark store should have been a SIGN (knowing I hate stuffed animals...and seriously a stuffed red bull called "El Toro of Love?"... and who did he give those other two cards to? hmmm...) Oh yeah, and when he missed our last ditch attempt to save our marriage therapy session to go see Def Leppard in concert, and let me know this via text while I was in the waiting room of the counseling center. Um, yeah, SIGN, right?
So, I've been ruminating on some signs I've pulled from my past and current 'relationships' (and I use this term to define anything from friendship to we're talking marriage) to try and analyze what the heck is going on. I think if I could learn to crack the code, I could make a lot of money or at least save myself a bit of superfluous heartache....
SIGNS I THINK HE'S PROBABLY NOT THAT INTO ME:
*I say, "I really, really like you" and he says, "Yeah. I don't know how I feel." And this is after we've just spent a really great weekend together. Hmmm....awkward.
*He invites me to the movies and then shows up with two of his guy friends who "want to see the film too." I also end up buying my own ticket. And he and his buddies eat the Twizzlers I smuggled in in my purse.
*Talking to/texting/emailing me enthusiastically one week....and all radio silence the next. I like to think that maybe he just went on a camping trip, but, mmmm....probably not.
*When his ex-girlfriend calls, his cell phone still rings a love song and a picture of the two of them together comes up on the screen.
*That old reliable, "I can offer you my friendship" speech he gives when he really means, "let's be secret friends who really never talk or acknowledge each other again." I think I'm finally getting the hang of that one since I've gotten it more than once. It's the hardest since I am a-ok with remaining friends with someone--I can quickly shift my paradigm from 'pursuing relationship' to 'hanging out', but, to me, that means I am going to treat them like I do my other friends and kindly interact with them on a semi-regular basis, not never say another word to them. In those cases, I guess I'm like that puppy that will keep following you till you kick me and tell me to go home. Then I tuck my tail between my legs and run. I can take a hint.
Now, for the flip side....
SIGNS HE MIGHT THINK I'M AT LEAST OK:
*He offers to take my kids to a baseball game. All 4 of them. And send me to get a pedicure while he does it. And he will pay for it. Yeah....I let that guy get away years ago and I'm ok with it. But he was pretty awesome.
*He wants to know what my favorite color, ice cream, holiday, song, restaurant, and movie are. And then he remembers. And he remembers my kids' names. And my family member's names. And my friend's. Whoa. Hot.
*He offers to fix my broken toilet, while also admitting that I am probably totally capable of fixing it on my own but he'd like to try and demonstrate his usefulness (Green Eyes).
*For my birthday, he buys me the tie-dyed Calvin Klein dress that, months before, I briefly point to in a magazine and mention loving and which he memorizes the designer of, does a sneak look of my dress size, then has to go online, search it out, and order it from Bloomingdales (that one was all Ninja).
*He makes me a mix CD.
*He pets my cat.
*He comes to my house at 11pm to keep me company while I go to the store to buy cat food and hair color, and then stays with me afterwards till way past his bedtime listening to dorky stories about my pioneer ancestors and my dead mother.
Yeah. Those MIGHT mean something...
But, like I said, I don't know anything. And I kind of like it that way. There's something to be said for naivety in moderation. If I don't force stuff, I'm sometimes in for a *pleasant surprise.* Or a rude awakening. Either way, I learn a little something, I add to my story material,I have a good cry if I really, really liked him, then I put one more notch on that old belt-o-mine.
Now, help me add to my wisdom pile: What's your best "He's Just Not that Into You " moment? (meaning YOU, not me...we just did me :) )
7 comments:
Jennifer, My mom remarried at age 35, so I watched her date a lot growing up. I was about ages 8-10 when I remember driving past random boyfriend's houses, going to arcades, and even being paid $2 to leave my mom and her date alone for awhile once (har!). It really was quite fun. My mom married my step-dad (they've been together 26 years next month) and soon after they married he was baptized a member of the LDS Church. We were also sealed together later. Quite a nice story hu? I felt bad, my shy hubby got walked out on, on a date, before we met, he still talks about it... It must sting still :( I came along soon after I think. My bestie in my ward just got a divorce, she and I are going to dinner tonight. She is ready to maybe step a little in the dating scene. If you know anyone in the age 40-45 category that would like a blind date with a spectacular woman, you could pass on the info. :) Tiniel
When my first husband and I were separated he slept with one of my BFF's from Jr High, High School,you know to work on our marriage...SIGN!
Good grief, Jennifer. I don't care how many signs there are, I can guarantee you won't know the real person until you are married to him. I certainly did not know my husband had a temper and was so jealous but we stayed together for many years before he passed.
Seriously, dear Jen, I am worried about you. I am glad u wrote this post, now I know better how to pray for you. Be patient, God will send the right man for you
when the time is right.
love,
Tx Erma
I think it's interesting you wrote that you would "swich paradigms" with a guy who you were romantically interested in and who perhaps was pursuing you in that way as well. I'm in a similar boat as you as far as being an LDS thirty-something single-parent and I think at this point in the game things need to be a bit different. Like when we say we still want to be "friends"...we can't be really close with that person. It's just a healthy boundary. When you get married, do you want your hubby to have a slew of ex-love interests that he's really good friends with and will maintain friendships with? That's why I try to cultivate my close friendships primarily with other women. I don't like saying goodbye to close friends.
I also have to admit that my eyebrow raises when an ex-love interest continues to engage regularly via text/email/fb/whatev with someone I'm in a relationship with. It feels disrespectful and like she's still trying to keep his attention. And you kind of wonder if she's trying to be "the friend" who he'll turn to if/when this doesn't work out.
So, yea, I don't think you should take it personally... just respect that a guy is trying to be a 'good guy' and have healthy boundaries.
I love reading your blog. I particularly enjoyed reading this post, because I think I'm the kind of guy who gives those "not interested" signals when really I'm terribly interested but so shy I stumble over myself and shatter.
- a
First Anonymous, Not sure if you're following in RSS feed, but you gave me a lot to think about. Thank you. I guess I just assume these guys are going to trust me to NOT be that girl who is in any way trying to sabotage their new relationship (if they're even in one). But you're right as far as I wouldn't want someone I end up marrying having a bunch of ex-girlfriends for friends, or worse yet--emotional confidants.
I really like the sound of that guy that went to buy cat-food with you and listened to all the stories... he sounds like a keeper... TRUST ME... he sounds like a keeper. ;)
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