there is no fear in this dojo

You know that scene in Home Alone where Kevin crawls out from underneath his parents bed and shouts, "I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! DO YOU HEAR ME? I SAID, I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!"

Yeah. That's me.

I think.

I hope.

The tide of my life is turning...again. Blessings seem to be pouring in from every direction. As if all the hard work, preparation, and prayers I have put in are all paying off at once. I fashioned a new bow when the old one broke, asked where to go get food, and finally...I'm eating. Now the trick is to just try and enjoy it without continuing to constantly glance over my shoulder, wondering when it's all going to get snatched away from me again.

So, yeah, I'm still a little uneasy. Maybe a little paranoid. I for sure still experience longing, and frustration, and feeling overwhelmed,and the occasional burst of anger (which I channel into kickboxing and writing "bad guy stories"). But you know what I'm not feeling anymore?

Fear.

I mean, if a tiger (or, if I'm being completely honest...a moth) chased me down the road or whatever, yeah--I'd be afraid. But the unnecessary fear, the worrisome kind that turned my insides to bile at night--It hasn't been around for quite a while now.

No more ulcers bothering me. No more waking up multiple times in the middle of the night. Much less heart cramping and palpitations.

 I think, after almost four years of learning one lesson after another about how God works (generally a sweep in at the last minute, dramatically save the day type guy in my case), I'm finally "getting it."

I have to do my part, of course. I have to wake up every day, and work hard, and build upon my talents, and have faith, and serve and be nice to people. But the rest just...comes. Needs get taken care of or suddenly don't seem like needs anymore. Big tasks may not get done in the timeline I want them to, but they always, always get done. I'm even beginning to see the answers to why some people come in to my life to stay, and why others come...and then go. It all has a purpose. If I just sit back, take a deep breath, and trust, somehow it manages to work out in happy ways.



For now: Living without fear has put me in a powerful place.

I'm not afraid to take chances. To send out work and have it rejected. I'm not afraid of where money is going to come from, even if it means I work my patootie off at five jobs. I'm not afraid of my boys making any worse choices than most kids make at their age. I'm not afraid of being single--in fact, I find the longer I'm left alone, the more awesome stuff I accomplish. And even though I'm not dating right now, I'm not afraid to try again at some point. Even if it means another heartbreak.


Of course, this is a much easier thing to proclaim when it feels I'm nearly to the top of a particular mountain rather than only standing at the base of it--but it really is true. All the time. My heart knows this. And I hope it remembers.