seventeen years

Today would have been my 17th wedding anniversary. Sometimes I wish I could forget the date, but I had it engraved inside Brad's wedding band the day I bought it with my hard-earned-working-at-the-college-frozen-yogurt-shop money. It said: For Time and Eternity, 12-28-94. I'd heard men often forgot their anniversaries, so I figured I'd just make sure he had some record of it on him all the time. His ring frequently became entertainment for us while waiting for food at a restaurant, or waiting for a turn during Scrabble. He or I would slip it off and spin it like a top. I saw that engraved date a lot. It will, sadly or not, never just be "another day" for me.

It doesn't hurt this year though. Maybe I said that last year...I don't remember. I just know that my break up with Dr. Yummy taught me a lot about how far I've come in parts of my emotional healing. When he broke things off, I was completely crushed. I could only compare it to the hurt I felt when Brad left. Yet, when I really consider it--it was nowhere NEAR as painful as that was. What it was, was equal to the *softened* version of how I now remember my divorce. Pain dulled by years, good happenings, and priceless experience and faith gained as a result of being single. The Dr.Yummy break up was significant, another little turning point showing me where I'd been and where I'm at now--and the amazing, heart-warming/wrenching distance in between the two points.

Funny that it's raining today. It rained on my wedding day 17 years ago, too. No one wanted to take after ceremony outdoor pictures with us. Only my mom followed us around with an umbrella, removing it from over my head long enough for the photographer to snap a picture, then putting it back on. Bless her heart. The rest of our friends and family went across the street to our catered after-wedding lunch. And they ate it all. Yup. By the time we got there, there was one sad, solitary breadstick left for us to split. We went through the Wendy's drive-thru on our way to check in at our hotel. Good memories. Funny memories. It really was one of the happiest days of my life and will continue to be so independent of anything that happened afterwards. But does feel like it happened much longer ago, to a different person. Or that maybe I dreamed it all,or wrote it in a story. One observation: I generally feel so youthful, happy, and drunk with possibility that I laugh to think I could ever be one capable of celebrating a 17th wedding anniversary. Only the face in the mirror reveals I'm not as young as I feel :)

Seventeen years after saying I do as a nineteen and a half year old who thought herself ever-so-mature, here I sit--on lunch break at one of my five exciting jobs. The blessed mother of 4 beautiful boys. Still close as I can be with the Peterson family. Comforted by the support of wonderful friends. Fueled by the dream of writing. Pained, at times, to see pictures of my ex-husband with his new family, but comforted by the fact that God is aware of me and has put some wonderful opportunities and people in my path. One day, someday, I'll start over again with a new guy, and a new date, on year one. All good things in time. And it feels like I've got plenty of time.