how the google valentine's day video ruined me

I knew I was done for Valentine's Day morning when this was the first thing that pulled up on my computer:




I was there, sitting at work, holding back tears--both sad and happy. How could one little cartoon  so speak to what my heart was feeling?

Actually it all started the day before with this:

My friend Russ drew it for the girl he'd started dating. Because she loves otters. He doesn't draw really, but he tried. And suddenly what I wanted more than anything was for someone to draw me a coloring book of all my favorite things, mammals and otherwise. There would probably be a large food section. But I didn't want to TELL them to draw it for me, I wanted it to be their idea in the first place, you know?

Like the jump rope thing. I want someone who jumps rope with me, even though my thing isn't a jump rope. I want someone who knows what my jump rope is. (Actually, that deep sea diver helmet and that pie he offered her are pretty cool too...)

It made me start thinking about all the love advice I've been given over the last several years by people I really admire or care deeply for in a friendshippy way. Words that poked at the soft , fatty, marbled part of my heart and stuck with me. Like this bit from a poet friend of mine:

"It must be hard for you to want to be clean and churchy because someone clean and churchy isn't going to understand where your writing comes from, and you're going to forever live thinking something is missing. Maybe no one is best."

Or this one from the same guy who drew the otter:

"But, honestly, most adults I know bore the life out of me, so if I have to be juvenile to be happy, then oh well. You're fun and interesting and haven't lost your child-like love of life, and why wouldn't you deserve someone who cherishes that part of you just as much as all the super-serious stuff." 

I've also been told:

"I'm surprised you even date, that men don't just fall in love with you." Followed by "Those cookies you made were the best I've ever had."

It's a mixed bag-o-advice and compliments. 

I've already explained my anxiety over dating again post-Dr. Yummy. He really did a number on my trust. And I 'm still angry--or something like it-- that he was the type of fit for me he was. One of only two men who appreciated and matched my quirkiness.

It was different 3 years ago. Then, my list of what I wanted in a potential second husband was much shorter. I figured all it would take was someone who loved me and loved the Lord and loved parenting.

And you know what?

I've got someone like that. Right now. Waiting patiently for me to make up my mind. Not pushy. Just kind. Constant. Understanding. Who has made his feelings clear but is willing to wait for me to go through the whole hamster wheel of analytical thinking and emotional hypothesizing I have to do on every major life decision. And he's wonderful, sweet, kind, trustworthy, protective, strong.

And then there's me. And that stupid jump rope. And whether or not I can let it go. Live with someone who doesn't understand why he loves me, just does? Maybe doesn't understand half the stuff I talk about--not because he isn't intelligent but because I talk about obscure stuff? Who brings me a literal jump rope because, isn't that what I asked for?

And then there's this *other person* who also has all those qualities AND who knows just what my jump rope is because it's his too, but who isn't ready to jump rope with anyone yet. Or maybe it's just me. Not the right fit, or whatever. And I'm fine just being his friend, but know if I choose to get into an exclusive relationship with someone else, the friendship would go away and I would miss it/him deeply. If not him, might there be someone like him out there?

Anyway,

Everything is good for now. Just as it is. I appreciate being given the time and space. And Valentine's Day was wonderful. Indian food, flowers, fancy chocolates from my favorite indie candy store, watching a documentary together while I folded clothes. 

I don't feel rushed. I don't feel like I'm making stupid choices. Just taking the time I need to pick Door A or Door B, or neither and take Door C. Waiting to see what happens with the MFA programs that could open a whole new Door D. Praying a lot. Breathing, and enjoying the moment. Content to be jump roping on my own for now, and trusting that whoever's hand I  hold and let jump with me...will be just who they're supposed to be. No regrets.

And also, they'll bring back that pie. And the deep sea diver's helmet. You never know when you might need one of those...