i was brave

*It was a good week for being brave. *

Monday morning, I sent off my last two MFA applications--one to North Carolina, one to Oregon. They both said to expect answers in 3 weeks--about the time I should be hearing from the other three schools I applied to. So, in the next 3 weeks, the next two-three years of my life should become clear. I love that I'm already at peace with whatever happens. I'll be disappointed if I don't get in, but not crushed. I feel proud of myself for pushing through the incredibly difficult process of applying...again. That, in itself, feels like a reward to me. I didn't give up. I won't.

Monday night, I stood in front of over 500 people at a local event called Story, Story Night. Based on a story I submitted, I was chosen as a "featured storyteller." It's kind of a big deal. The theme for the night was "Breakups." The first story I submitted (which has to be true to life) was a funny one--painful to live through at the time it happened but rather humorous when I look back on it. It would have got a lot of laughs, the thought of which made me immediately comfortable. BUT word around the Story Story selection committee was that they needed a more serious breakup story...and that I had it. So, I wrote the serious story. And it was picked. Then I stood up and told it--no notes--straight from the heart and with all the bravery I could muster.  I was proud of me. My mom would have been proud of me too, I think.

And then there was this final, simple, maybe silly thing to be brave about--but the Plain White T's song, "Hey There, Delilah" came on the radio yesterday...and I made myself listen to it. That is a song I usually avoid like the plague. Any time it comes on the radio or my Pandora station, I change it/turn it off/turn the volume down...whatever. If it comes on in a store or a restaurant I'm in, I cover my ears and take my mind somewhere else for a while. Like Wesley in Princess Bride.

Not that it's not a good song. I rather like it, in fact. Or I did. A sweet song about young love against all odds played on acoustic guitar. Who wouldn't? But it was a song that just happened to be wildly popular during my separation. It would often play on my blog playlist late at night while I was trying to write through all that pain, enough that it BECAME all that pain for me. Hearing it would send me into emotional flashbacks or whatever.

But, this time when it came on and my hand automatically reached for the buttons to change the station, I told myself, "You can do this. You're braver than this now. Look at how far you've come. Look at who you are now. That period of time can and will continue to effect you, but it doesn't have to hold power over you anymore."

So I listened. Right up to the very last "whoa-oa." Then I turned the radio off and drove home the rest of the way in silence--knowing I'd just gotten passed something significant.


The best part of the week was that I was able to take all my bravery and be brave for someone else. A dear friend whose ex-wife is re-marrying this weekend--re-marrying my friend's former best friend that she swore nothing was going on with during their marriage, which was obviously not the truth. And my friend had to listen to his kids be excited about it and smile and try to explain lovingly why he wouldn't be at the wedding.

I was able to listen and nod in empathy, give him some brief advice on a good way to deal with it based on my own semi-similar experience, let my bravery fill in where he didn't feel he had any.

I think that's the best use of bravery. Using it for/with someone else. Being able to be that first one to walk in to the dark tunnel and say, "It's ok. I know the way. Follow me."

Yeah.

Probably better than being strapped to one of those spinning wheels in a Circus sideshow and having knives hurled at me. Though, I think if someone had asked me to do that this week...I probably would have said, "Sure. Why not? What have I got to lose?" :)