'worth it' moments

I am always in awe of how God works. How quickly He can flip things. How one week you can be wondering how on earth things will work out, and the next--you're holding the answer. Or the beginning of it.

I wish life didn't hurt so much--for me, for others, loved ones, strangers. I wish there weren't so many ways to hurt. I wish I wasn't sometimes the cause of that hurt. I wish I had more ways/time/means to lift some of the hurt off others' hearts and shoulders. But, oh, I'm glad I've never given up. Given myself over to bitterness. Or stopped trying. So proud that I have spent every day honestly doing my best--as weak as it may sometimes seem--honoring my covenants, loving those who love me, and even those who don't. Trying. And trying again. Trusting there really is a place where hurt is a distant memory we all laugh at while eating buckets of zero calorie Ben and Jerry's. Making the best of things here until I get to go there. With my giant spoon.

And I am more grateful than I can express for times like this in my life, however fleeting, when I have more answers than questions. When I begin to understand the purpose of a trial--why it happened when it did, lasted the length it did. Sometimes it's a recent trial, sometimes it's one from years (and years) ago. And sometimes the clarity is fleeting, lasting only a few hours, or days, maybe months (if I'm lucky). But it doesn't matter. I welcome it every time. And I hold onto the memory of it when things get dark, knowing light will come. Again. 

~So, I'm not doing the MFA program. Even after the university called and told me they really, really wanted me in the program and gave me an extension to reconsider. I am reading and writing more voraciously than I have in six months. I feel all wiggly and  inspired. I feel good not taking on the debt right now but giving this an honest go on my own. I think it's going to pay off.

~So, I still worry about money. And yet it seems to be provided. Every month. Without fail. And I can work five jobs and function on very little sleep and STILL find time for family and friends and just breathing and looking around. Total blessing.

~So, my boys still suffer a lot of the unasked for consequences of the divorce. They're also still AMAZING kids. Seriously, they blow me away with their talents, their humor, their kindness, their inherent goodness every. single. day. I can't help but believe all that they're being asked to pass through can and will continue to be consecrated for their good. And I fully expect them to grow up and be kind, faithful, honest husbands and fathers one day. 

~So, I had a relationship-like-thing not work out. Again. Every time, I learn something more about just what it is I want, deserve, am afraid of, need to work on, etc. All the wrong men are going to be the right men to get me to the best man, eventually. And, if I let God keep plastering up the emotional wounds in a way only He can, I'm going to get to said man better and wiser and more prepared than when I started.  And though it's not the focus of my life, I'm proud that I am able, through the pain, to still leave a part of my heart open and wait while I keep working toward other goals. It's good. 

Of course, I did just visit a candy factory over my lunch break and ate liberally from the free sample table, so maybe it's just the chocolate/marshmallow/coconut buzz talking, but I couldn't be more thrilled with where my life is right now. It's a crazy, loopy ride, but these moments where things make sense, well, they make it all worth it.

Have you had one of these 'worth it' moments lately? I haven't encouraged comments in a while, but I really would love to hear about it. And thank you, thank you, thank you for continuing to read.