pathetic

I have spent nearly a week being pathetic. My heart breaking over the end of that relationship you didn't know about. Moping about all I could and should have done better. Sick that the memories of stuff I did with this guy were everywhere. Angry at myself for even trying again, although it seemed really right at the time and although I gave myself several months post-Dr. Yummy before taking the chance and although I took things incredibly slowly--so slowly that what we had might not have even been a 'relationship' were it not for the amount of time it took on, the promises made. Torn up over the fact that I trusted someone, again, who betrayed that trust in a cruel and all-to-familiar way. I've been unable to sleep. Unable to eat. Launched into that sickly, headached, shaking state PTSD produces. I lost nine pounds. My conversations all sounded disjointed. I was elated to learn what I did about this guy at this time instead of years down the line, but still...I felt like I should fight for him. For us. For whatever it was we had. What we could have had.

That's just my nature:

~Don't give up. ~There's always an answer. ~Hard work and faith can salvage anything. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I didn't know how to let it go.

So, I called Ninja. And begged him to un-crazy me. And his advice was simple:

Remember who you are.

Which was the best advice I could have gotten.

Because I AM still here. I'm still me. I never let go of what I was working towards. Didn't allow  myself to get so absorbed in the relationship that I can't bounce right back into the world I rocked by myself (though my not letting go could be what ended up splitting us up, I just can't give that much thought right now because it won't change anything, and really--I think I knew how the whole thing would end from the beginning which kept me more on the outskirts than I would normally have been, or even wanted to be, all along.)

So, here I go, remembering me:

Hi, I'm Jennifer. I feel deeply. I love deeply. This sets me up for being hurt deeply, but it's still worth it, I believe. Despite being frequently disappointed, I still choose to believe the best in people. Despite losing a large number of people I love, I still believe in things that last.

My children mean everything to me. They are the four most incredible individuals I have ever come in contact with. I would be barely half the human I am now if not for them and all they have demanded of me, all they have taught me, all they have given so selflessly to me. The only time I have ever punched someone in the face enough to draw blood was when they hurt my children. Don't hurt my children. I have a mean right hook.

I am deeply faithful. My first relationship has been and always will be with my Heavenly Father. I don't understand why He has put me through some of the things that He has, but I trust in His love and supreme wisdom. I talk to Him daily in prayer, and seek His promptings in quiet moments and in scriptures. I have chosen to live my life within Christ-like boundaries and have never felt confined or repressed in any way doing so, rather the opposite--I've felt free and safe and unencumbered by addictions or unwanted consequences. In choosing this for myself though, it doesn't mean I don't interact with and respect those whose values differ from mine, and feel blessed to have an incredible variety of friends from all walks of life.

Keeping creatively active is vital to me. I am a writer of fiction, non-fiction, poetry, narrative journalism, and some pretty demanding to-do lists. Writing is not a hobby for me but a way to survive, to make sense of the world around me and inside of me. In addition, I am an interior designer. I play music. I paint. I dance. I like thinking up outfits. I like thinking up new words. I like thinking up something out of nothing. I am happiest when surrounded by others who are passionate about creating and sharing.

I am usually the only 36 year old woman riding at the skate park.

I am intelligent but I have so much to learn still.

I possess the divine gift to know of others' needs and show them affection. I try not to squander it.

I know the lyrics to nearly every song ever written but you would not want to hear me sing. I will sing anyway.

I am the culmination of all I have learned from my trials, but I am not my trials.

I love the sound of pennies being sucked up a vacuum cleaner. And hugs. I would love to be hugged by someone sucking pennies up with a vacuum cleaner. I think that might actually cause a rip in the space/time continuum of awesomeness.

I believe firmly that laughter is one of the greatest gifts we were given to combat the trials of this life. Laughter strengthens relationships. It can take the overwhelming-ness out of problems. It is the reason I have fabulous ab muscles. I don't laugh at everything but if you can make me laugh, I will love you forever. Hopefully I can make you laugh, too. It's more fun that way.

I hate white chocolate. I hate raisins. I really hate white chocolate raisin cookies. They should not even have the privilege of carrying the name "cookie."

Although living in a fairly vulnerable, transparent way has not been easy, it is what I have chosen for this period of singleness in my life. It still hurts my feelings when someone doesn't like me or what I have to say, and I've taken a lot of flack from people I care deeply about. But, the email folder of 2,938 emails from people all over the world telling me that I have touched and/or helped them in some way, and the nearly 1200 people a day who read this blog who I may potentially be inspiring to hold on a little longer, or making feel a little better that their trials are their own, or entertaining with the frequent train wrecks of my life...well, for them I keep going. And for the feeling of peace in my heart that, one day, I will appreciate having this record of this time in my life in addition to the things I journal.

I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be loved for all those things about myself that I like, and stuff that I may not even know is good about me yet. I deserve to be completely flipped-out, head-over-heels in love with someone who even intimidates me a little bit because they're so freaking brilliant, and who loves me back the same way.

No compromises. No settling.

Remember, Jennifer

And no more being pathetic

Don't lose another day

You're better off. Really.