afraid all this will end. afraid it won't.

I remember meeting with one of my church leaders over six years ago, early 2006. I had just found out my mom was not going to get better. I was four months pregnant with our fourth son. Our home felt suffocatingly small and the real estate market was just starting to crash. Our business was still shaky. I was worried about my husband's unexplained bouts of self-loathing and the quiet anger that often accompanied them. After nearly 12 years of what I can only explain as wedded bliss that seemed to grow with each year, that period in my life was like a cold slap in the face.  I remember asking this leader,

"Is there really any lasting joy to be had in this life? Is there any real earthly reward for living life in the way God asks?"

He smiled, a wisened older-man type smile, and said, "Well, now that's the real question, isn't it?" He told me that life was like an old-fashioned train ride--with an excess of chugging uphill and black smoke in your face. The goal was to keep watching for those spots when the smoke would clear and you would have a straight shot with a lovely vista to take in before the next hill. "Worth it" moments when the journey made sense.

Little did I know that meeting was just the beginning of what has been one big uphill--Rheumatic Fever, divorce, death of family and loved ones, finishing school, leaving behind full time mothering to find adequate employment, finding and losing love a few times, multiple huge decisions to make for my family with the weight of all the consequences on my shoulders.

I have kept that train analogy in mind this whole time though, and really have looked for and found some smooth, clear spots along the way. Some breathtaking views. Good friends, good opportunities, good chances to grow personally and spiritually.

Now feels like one of those times.

In the days since my last post, I have managed to line up four really good job interviews in Orange County for my trip there later this week. I've found a temporary stop gap for my financial problems. I've been blessed with some wonderful opporunitites to serve friends and strangers. I've had some really great, funny, heart-to-heart times with my boys. I couldn't be happier with my Mr. Perfect and I think we're both starting to get some answers as to what we should do next, or at least not be afraid to talk about options.

It's scary though. Because I've been here before. Several times. In a spot where it appears everything is about to come together--paths cleared, minds enlightened, answers given, my heart ever-so-grateful that it had been brought to this point. And then...poof. It goes away. Or has. One element changes and the rest tumbles down like a stack of plastic cups. And I have to regroup, rethink, retry. It hurts. And it's a sad and terribly exhausting process.

Though I really can't complain because every time I have learned something. Or a lot of somethings. Doors close and windows open, then windows close and doors open. I think I went up and down a chimney once. I do a lot of climbing in and out. I get a little more fearful of trying/risking with every perceived failure, but not so much so that I don't still try again. And again. More cautiously every time, but I really am proud of me for not giving up and becoming bitter, jaded, lazy, untrusting, or unfaithful when my life's circumstances could easily make me so.

I have never ceased to say life is good. And mean it. I have never stopped believing in promised blessings to come.

And so, I just wanted to make a mark in the blog about this time in my life. This right now. When things I have wished and prayed for for a very long time appear to be coming to pass. Or parts of them.  Am I afraid they might go away? Yup. Am I afraid of the idea of possibly having to start again, yet again, if all this doesn't work? Who wouldn't be? But it's all still worth holding onto. Gently.

It is ever so good. And I am at peace. So be it.