dear me 20 years ago...

Twenty years ago, on July 5,1994, Brad proposed to me. It's not a hard day to remember, being the day after 4th of July. We were in Portland, visiting his brother and sister-in-law after a long spring and summer apart, with him working on his family farm and me staying behind at college to work at the frozen yogurt shop.

Twenty years ago today, I was saying yes to my forever, so happy I wanted to shout to everyone how in love with this man I was. Today, I was texting with the same man about shuffling around child support payments while the boys are visiting him for the summer. 

I woke up earlier than usual this morning, my throat dry and sore from all the smoke ingested last night, my heart racing from a bad dream. I quietly put on my running clothes and shoes and slipped out of the house to fit in my five mile run/walk before the day got too hot.

On my way home, I stopped at the store for groceries and a big glass of cold water from the Starbucks kiosk (well, and maybe a piece of the pumpkin bread too...). I sat at one of their tables and drank slowly, suddenly picturing myself from twenty years ago sitting with me--both of us as surprised as the other over such an unlikely meeting. Nineteen year old me asks if she can ask me a few questions. I say yes.

Q: Why is your hair so red?
A: Because it got so gray. Don't worry, you'll learn to love it and it will remind you of Grandma Annie and Grandma Engen and their fearless red hair.

Q: How did you get so fat?
A: Because right now, dear, even though you're just starting to realize it--you  have an eating disorder. 103 pounds is not a healthy weight for someone of your height and frame. See how all your size 2 clothes hang off you? We've also had four boys--big ones. But we run five miles almost every day, including today. See how muscled our legs are? See how we still have a nice chiseled waist? You'll still get down on your body sometimes, but it has treated you well and carried you through a lot, so be kind to it. And go eat something that's not air popped popcorn, for goodness sake!

Q: What is that you're looking at?
A: It's an "iPhone." I'm looking at something called "Facebook" on the "Internet." It's basically like having all the world's knowledge in your pocket, but you'll have to sift through a lot of dumb stuff, too. Use it wisely. Don't let it dominate your "offline" life. And please "duck face" as little as possible, ok?

Q: Where are we? 
A: In a grocery story in Huntington Beach, California, where we live now. Just three miles from the beach. Sniff the air. Can you smell it? The ocean smell is everywhere.

Q: Why did we move to California?
A: We followed our heart. We're really good at that. It's why we're still writing, too.

Q: Where is Brad?
A: Well, he's not here. It's a long, sad story that I don't want to tell you right now or you may  not go through with marrying him--and you HAVE to do that because there are four of the most amazing spirits waiting for you to get them to Earth. I won't lie, the next twenty years of your life are going to be some of the most beautiful and most excruciating you will ever pass through. You will have to hold to your faith like it is the only thing that will save you, because it will be. You'll feel so alone at times but you're not, not really. And in the end, I promise all you have will be enough. You will be so loved. And so wise. And though you may wonder at times if you made the right choices, if you could go back and change things and do things differently--just let it all go. No need to fret about things you can't change when you've tried your best. Feel the air passing in and out of your body in the moment and know it's all worth it. It is.