You guys, let's pretend the only blog posts I've written in the last four months haven't been in my head and move on to today.
Today my oldest child, my first born, my baby, is...17.
17!
I can remember being 17. Like yesterday! I applied for college at 17, had a job, I graduated. It is not possible that the little bundle of baby blue that totally spun my world on its axis with his birth can be practically as old as I was when I had him.
But time has blown by the way my mom used to always say it would, and which I never understood until about that point I started referring to a decade as "a few years ago..."
Anyway, now that I have nearly successfully raised one of my boy squad to nearly successful almost adulthood, I think I have a right to lay down some advice for raising teenagers.
1. LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE
I hope you don't have a teenager afflicted with text speak, who spells before like b4 or makes their capital E's with the 3 key, even if they are writing a school report, but if you do, I'm sorry. And learn that language first.
However also be prepared for things you say to not mean what you think they do to your teenager. Like, if you say, "Time to go," You THINK that means put on your shoes, walk out the door, and get in the car. But a teenager, for some reason, hears "Keep sitting there watching Man vs. Wild until Mom freaks out just a little then put on your shoes, walk out the door, and get in the car."
Be specific in your language. Be prepared to look up stuff in the urban dictionary. And really read into the tone of that "fine" you get when you ask how their day was. Also, be a little sad that you ever thought they talked too much or asked too many questions when they were little.
2.RE-WATCH INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS
That is your kid as a teenager. They have been replaced. Like overnight. Like one week their pants fit and the next they are two inches off the ground. Like one day they're hugging you good-bye in front of all their friends and the next they're asking you to drop them off around the corner.
My Z and E have never publicly shunned me but they did go from being super snuggly kids to pulling in to their personal space. Luckily, I learned early that even though they act that way, they don't really mean it. They like when I rub their feet or scratch their back. They still really like hugs, even if I'm the one initiating most of them. Their voices may have changed but their laugh is still there.
3.LOOK FOR THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
Remember how you felt as a teenager? Like, what the freak is happening to me? I don't want to act this way so why am I?
Your teenager is the same way.
They know the world doesn't revolve around them, but right now their world seems like the biggest, scariest reality ever. They still don't have enough experience to know that one embarrassing moment won't ruin them forever, that rumors die down, that karma will come back to get the mean kids sooner or later.
You might try to explain to them that you understand, use examples from your teenage years (which will probably seem as weird and long ago as when our parents would talk about the 50's and 60's), but better yet--just listen. Take regular opportunities to spend some one-on-one time with them. Keep reminding them that they will come out on the other side of their teenage years, like walking through a gray tunnel into the light. That life will keep getting better and better. That dumb people will always be around but, as they get older, there will be less of them, and they will have more power over who they let into their world and who they keep at a safe distance.
4. NURTURE THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD
There is no better thing you can do for your child than help them build their relationship with their Heavenly Father-- a higher, wiser power to lead and guide them, to allow them to overcome any thing they may struggle with now and in the future. He is an anchor in a world that is a continuous storm. The End.
5. KEEP THEIR PROBLEMS IN PERSPECTIVE
Teach teenagers to keep their "problems" in perspective by making sure they serve in the community among the sick, elderly, the poor and the homeless. Make them aware of the larger world around them and just how much we have, comparatively, in terms of safety, food, housing, and education. That they don't have the iPhone6 becomes a dumb problem when they see people scratching in the dirt for crumbs or confined to a wheelchair because they were shot while fleeing for their lives from people who would kill them because of their religion.
It doesn't mean that your kids can't still worry or want, but they will do so in a more realistic (read "less spoiled brat") way if you keep all things in perspective.
6. LIMIT TECHNOLOGY
Seriously. Do it. I know it is a teenagers lifeline but it can also destroy them.
At least when we were in school, we knew there was a time we could leave all the gossiping and cliques and judgement behind and just go home and be ourselves and be loved. Now, teenagers via social media carry that crap around in their pocket ALL. THE. TIME--seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day. And don't even get me started on the scourge of the porn industry. I know we are all feeling the woes of technology overdose (Look UP already, gosh darn it!), but only WE (as parents) can do something about it.
My advice? No computers, TV's, gaming systems, etc in teenagers rooms. Keep it in public spaces, including smart phone use. Filter and parental control the bejeebers out of everything. Follow all their accounts. Don't be afraid to restrict what apps they have. Don't be afraid to take their phones away from them at night in the least, and even for whole days. Let them know that you will read every text, every DM, every private group conversation, and there will be consequences if you find them deleting things. Let them know you understand their friends may say certain things or use language beyond your child's control, but your child should not be joining in.
It is a brave new world and we are the pilgrim parents teaching our children to tiptoe over technological landmines. We cannot be scared of them. We cannot be complacent. We have to set boundaries and enforce them until our kids are old enough to set their own.
(P.S. A nice surprise in the limit of technology is that your teenager might actually thank you for it as they observe their 'zombie' friends who have no limits and seemingly no life outside a screen).
7. KNOW THEIR FRIENDS
They might change a lot, or they might stay the same. There might be a lot of them, or just one or two. They might have different friends from different groups--but get to know them. Get to know their parents. Know who your kids are with and what they are doing. You don't have to be "the cool mom"--though sometimes that title comes just from being involved in a time when so many aren't.
8. REMEMBER THEY STILL NEED YOU
Your teenager may be able to make his own food, drive a car, have his own spending money, maybe even grow a mustache or speak politics with you. But...they still need you. Maybe even more than they did when they were little, though in a different way. You are the biggest earthly source of unconditional love they have. You are their safe place. They need your validation, your advice, your acceptance.
You might not believe me since almost everything your teenager says and does seems to say, "Leave me alone," but I promise inside they are still screaming for you. They need rules. They like being able to use you as an "out" if their peers are trying to pressure them to do something they know they shouldn't. Stuff is scary. Be there. Be there when they get home from school. Be there for their performances and games. Be there to tuck them in at night and listen about their days.Be there when they get home from dates. Be there to take that occasional forgotten backpack or homework assignment to them. Be there when they call and ask you to pick them up from that party they shouldn't have gone to.
--
It seems I spent a lot of time wishing large chunks of my Z's childhood away--wishing he'd learn to sleep through the night already, wishing he'd learn to entertain himself for more than a few minutes, wishing he'd stop tearing apart all my cupboards, wishing he'd hurry and be potty trained, wishing he'd be old enough to stay at home by himself for a few hours while I ran errands or went to the gym.
I'd bring back all those years and do them differently if I could.
But I can't.
Though I have enjoyed every year since--including embracing the best of the teenage years.
Next year, I turn my Z over to the world. This is likely his last year of living in my home full time. I plan to enjoy every minute of it. And it doesn't hurt that he makes the best chocolate chip cookies in the world every Sunday...
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