light at the end of the tunnel...well, this one at least

You know what that's a picture of ? Light....at the end of the tunnel. Chances are there's probably another tunnel ahead, but for now--I'm just going to enjoy the fact that I see a bit of hope at the end of this one.

It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. Saturday (our Halloween) especially-- don't even get me started on how bad that was. Let's just say it ended with me having a bit of a meltdown in front of the nice families at church during our trunk or treat. I have been overtaxed emotionally, overworked, and incredibly underslept.

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse...yesterday happened. I went to meet with my advisor to make sure that I had properly applied for graduation in May and guess what I found out? Even after killing myself next semester with fifteen credits, I would need.....TEN MORE. They weren't core classes, or anything related to my major--I had all of those completed. Seemed to me they were just flopped down there to make sure I would spend the maximum amount of money at the university that they could possibly milk out of me.

Ten more credits. I don't have the time. The luxury. The money to stay in school for another semester or two trying to finish them. And 25 credits in one semester?! How in the $%&* was I supposed to do THAT?!?! I remember taking 19 one semester in college, 1994. When I had no kids. And no job. And teenager energy. And my mom to pay my bills. It was tough then.

But what choice do I have? I am sooo close. I can't give up now. And the graduate school application that is already paid for--I don't want to lose that. There is no other choice--graduate in May or not graduate at all. 

I came home, trying to hold it together for my boys. When I walked in, I saw they had the neighbor kids over to play. I reminded them (kindly) that they weren't supposed to have friends over when I wasn't home. My 12 year old responded "but you're NEVER home anymore, Mom". That did it...

Tears. Lots of them. I know how busy I have become, and how it isn't going to get any better. I just want to stay home and be mommy again. I don't want to miss my kids growing up. This is NOT the life I chose or lived for, but it's the one I'm in, and the kids are in it with me. We had a long talk about what was going on, about what would more than likely be ahead. How we need to hold together and do our best a little longer. We prayed as a family. I still didn't know what I was going to do. I said something on my Facebook page about the frustration of my situation. Then, I received this via email:

 You've got guts and brains and determination--


Get the forms from the department office, and I'll sign off on both an Independent study (I'm open to any ideas you want to pursue) and a Marketing/Promo Internship. We can iron out the details later.


Glad to help.


***It was from one of my professors. An insanely talented one with a book coming out in March. I couldn't ask for a better friend in my corner. Next came this....


Anything I can do to help. Give me a few days to look look up the independent study forms and I'll get them back to you.
I hope you don't mind but I've emailed my mentor who is the writing program director, and asked her if she will sit with you for a mentoring session. She is wonderful, you'll love her and she might have some insight that the rest of us don't to help you with all this. I've also emailed the McNair director and asked her for her contact in the financial aid department. Lets get you in with her and see if we can't get you some help there too.

***That one was from my brilliant friend, currently on a full ride scholarship at a PhD program .-- And that was all I needed. That was the light.

When I was little (and even not so little), my mom would tell me to go in and clean my room. I'd stand in the mess and just feel overwhelmed. I wouldn't know where to start. But then my Mom would come in with me and help for just a few minutes, get me started, give me a little direction, and then I could do it.

That's how it felt to know that I wasn't totally alone yesterday. That I had a few people willing to point me in the right direction, clear a little mess off the floor for me. People who believe in me and in what I can do.

And guess what? I found a way to get 10 credits through independent study and internships--work I can start on right now. I also went to see a few of my Literature professors for next semester and asked for reading lists ahead of time so I could get started on that as well. A working, full-time, single mom possibly pulling off 25 credits in one semester...that's pretty darn cool if you ask me.

Now I need to come up with the almost $8,000 it's going to cost me to finish...but even that doesn't overshadow the hope I have right now. I'm just going to stand here and enjoy this light on my face for a little longer. Because it feels really, really good.