tying up loose ends

Can't believe I let the amount of time go between posts that I did! Last Thursday, I took the boy squad and escaped to the mountains for a few days. Snow on the ground. Snuggle time in front of cartoons. Pancake breakfasts. And a family time share condo we could let get as messy as we felt like. It was a wonderful two and a half days. And my baby turned 13 up there. We'll go into that another day because even thinking about it starts me getting teary right now.

The rest of the week has been spent tying up all the loose ends I could.


Some great people stepped forward and fought for me, but in the end--my appeal to take 25 credits, including the independent studies--was denied. I reverted to plan C and will now be taking 4 credits of intersession classes. That means I'll have no Christmas break and will be in class even on Christmas Eve...but the "half-full" part is that I WILL be graduating in May. Can't wait to slightly thumb my nose at the department chair and my advisor as I grab my diploma. And I've got my week of Thanksgiving break blocked out to get my grad school applications all polished up and ready to turn in.

After your kind encouragement, I also took the time I needed at the Health and Welfare office to get signed up for some benefits. My kids dental is now covered by Medicaid. I thought I had an already healthy $650 a month grocery budget (we never went hungry), but--believe it or not--I was given $759 a month in food benefits. I KNOW we can't possibly eat that much, so I'll use the surplus to build up our food supply against a time when things might not be so plentiful. That will give me 6 months of a little extra help to see what I can accomplish. Between that and the income I'm generating with freelance work, the alimony money I'm missing is almost replaced. Little mercies, little mercies.

I'm trying to get the loose ends of my love life tied up as much as I can, too. Oh the things my fears prevent me from doing! :( ... A poet friend of mine gave me this "love advice" once (and he really talks like this all the time, too)... It must be hard for you to want to be totally clean but still artsy, because men who are totally clean are not really the men who understand where your writing comes from. Your only shot is to find someone totally enamored by you who doesn't care that he doesn't understand everything, Just loves you nonstop for no apparent reason besides loving you. So that he doesn't question it. Someone clean and churchy. Probably nothing is best. 

That was hard to hear when I got it and equally as hard now. Because I wonder waaaay too much about what "nothing" would feel like, and it's a sad place. But is it not worse to be in the wrong place just to avoid being in the sad place? Ninja has told me to be certain I'm not ignoring answers in my quest to have signs. So, I'm stirring that bit of advice around in my head and heart as well and waiting, waiting, waiting. Haute Cakes has moved on. Green Eyes has moved on. Several of the men I've dated are now married. And here I sit, like those dudes in Scooby Doo who's legs go round and round, but they never go anywhere.

I only know this thing for sure....Even in this place where I am terrified, and exhausted, and overwhelmed, and lonely, and dirty, and worn out from fighting, and beyond humbled....I have a slow, steady flame of hope as well. I KNOW that I am a woman who has FOUND herself in these circumstances; not one who, by making bad choices, has PUT herself here. I will find my way out. And I will enjoy the journey as much as possible. And one day, I will have someone to share it all with me again.

So, there ya go! I'm moving Friday Fotos to Monday to give me time to download what I've taken this last week. But this one...this one I had to share. Because here are four ends who are just perfect being loose and need no tying up whatsoever :)