gratitude, schmatitude

Sadly...that has been my attitude waaaay too much this last six months. It has felt often times painful to be grateful. I suppose after fighting for so long and feeling like I'm making very little headway, and after loss compounded on top of loss....I got scared to be thankful. I didn't want to be too grateful for anything because who knows how long it would be around until it was taken from me, too. Being really, really, really grateful for something and expressing it to the best of my ability--as I had all my life-- didn't seem to be the lucky talisman for keeping the blessing around the way I hoped it would.

That's a hard thing to admit.

Because I know very well that ungrateful people are not pleasant to be around. That hopeless people are dark and bitter. I do NOT want to be the star of my own tragedy.

I don't think I'm to that point yet. My heart still overflows with love for all that I have, it just does it in a more cautious manner than it ever has before. But as a reminder to myself, these are the things I am grateful for most of all this Thanksgiving Eve...

I am so grateful for my children: for their smiles and their smells and their laughter and their messes. I am grateful that they are intelligent, talented, and strong in their faith. I am grateful they are strong and healthy. I am grateful that they love me, no matter what, and that they teach me something new every single day--usually patience related :). I would be a mere shadow of what I am today without the blessing of parenthood.

I am grateful for the home I still have to live in. For the way it embraces me each time I walk in the door. For all its myriad soft places to land. To rest. For its cupboards full of food and walls full of pictures. Grateful for the family and dear friends who often gather here and the memories we have made together.

 I am grateful for the seasons, each with their own particular beauty. And that I am able to go out and engage myself in the outdoor world around me--drinking in all the smells and sounds and textures.

I am grateful that we live in a time where we can all do more than survive--where we can concentrate and appreciate such luxuries as music, fashion, art, poetry, and television sitcoms. Grateful, too, for this country that allows such freedom of expression.

I am grateful for the talents I have been given. There are many, and though I haven't--in my opinion--mastered any of them yet, I am grateful for opportunities to grow and share them. Writing, especially, has been such a blessing in my continual healing. I am thankful for the ability to express myself and interpret the world around me in words, and for those people who I have been blessed to have in my life who have made me a better writer.

I am grateful for a mother who taught me to laugh and appreciate the humor in everything. So many times when I have felt angry or overwhelmed, laughter has been the key to putting everything back into perspective.

I am thankful, above all, for my God. When it felt I had lost everything, I knew, because of my faith, I still hadn't really lost everything. Faith has kept me going through trials that should have crushed me. It has kept me humble, given me access to an intelligence beyond my own through scriptures and prayer, and made me know that my burdens did not have to be carried alone. It has kept me mindful that this life is but a blink in the scope of eternity. Everything I am asked to pass through is an opportunity to be refined and made into a more perfect Follower of Him.

Yes, Life is good. Life continues to scare the pants off me right now....but I cannot deny that it is good. And I am even pretty certain that it will only get better.

***Wishing you all the Happiest of Thanksgivings and the gift of gratitude daily.***