bumps in the road

A few days perspective since my last post...and I admit I'm still afraid. BUT, the blessing of  a little time, prayer, and  words of encouragement from those who are always so generously mindful of me have gone a long way to making me feel hopeful again.

You see, when you're dragging emotional baggage/damage from past experiences around the way I am....sometimes bumps in the road can seem more like catapults.

And I hate admitting that. Because I really do feel strong, healed, healthy, happy, forgiving, loving, loved, and able to trust 98% of the time. But like a combat soldier still rattled by sudden gunfire or the thwapping of helicopter blades, so too, do I have things I'm learning trigger my repressed fear. Things that make me throw up a wall as quickly as I can to keep from being hurt.

Dr. Yummy and I hit the first bumps in our road...and necessarily so. In fact, I was starting to worry that things were too ideal. I mean, I loved it, but I know that's not real life either. He expressed some concerns and insecurities--ones I fully expected him to have--but they still scared the bejeebers out of me. I didn't want to be hurt or rejected again, even though those were not his intentions, it just brought up a lot of yucky emotions from my divorce, from past relationships that ended less than ideally. It intensified the strain of my unemployment and reminded me again of how scared I am without family to lean on, how alone I really am or could be in the worldly sense. I did a lot of nothing but crying and feeling sorry for myself for a day and a half, feeling very heavily my own vulnerability.

I got angry at myself for falling for him so quickly. For getting swept up when I didn't mean to get swept up. For letting myself look too far forward and assume too much. For the complicated nature of being 36, divorced, in the midst of rebuilding my life, following my dream of becoming a writer, poet, and professor, and having 4 kids that tend to get as easily swept up as I do. I got especially angry at God for continuing to give me such wonderful things, situations that come together ideally and mercifully, only to seemingly yank them back and say, "ha! ha! Pscyh!"

All of that was and is me doing defense.
                                               defense.
                                               defense.

There's more to the story,too. Not about Dr. Yummy, but about me and things I'm struggling with in my life and in my testimony. Things that justified the intensity of my last post.

Anyway, long story short--we decided not to give up. Not yet. We figured out how human both of us are, even humorously borderline neurotic at times. We learned some stuff about eachother's weaknesses. We figured out (hopefully) better ways to communicate with one another. We threw fear out on the metaphoric table in front of us for the first time and gave it a good, hard look.

I learned just how quickly my wounds can be re-opened and what I need to do to seal them up a bit better.

During the awful first days of my separation, I remember my beloved, stalwart, usually quiet father-in-law just weeping and weeping, holding his face in his palms, apologizing for the actions of his son. He said of he and Mom Peterson's 50 plus year marriage: "Marge and I have had our share of fights, bad ones even, but I was never afraid that when she walked out the front door, she wouldn't come back."

That's what I want.

That easy, safe understanding of knowing, no matter what, you can count on that person you love the most to come through. You can trust them. Explicitly. You know they'll tell you the truth. You know they'll always be cheering you on. You know they'll be doing their part to make sure your marriage stays strong, just as you are. You'll be there for eachother. Happily. Willingly. Peacefully. You may not always like them...but you'll always love them.

I think it's worth waiting to see if Dr. Yummy and I can find our way to that point. And, just like I said in the post where I introduced you to him...if it doesn't work out, I'll have no regrets for trying. For walking, without fear or distraction, for once, towards the thing that has made me the happiest I have been in three and a half years. 

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. Once again, you've made more of a difference than I can express.

Here's to pressing on...and on still.