unemployment agrees with me

As a young girl, maybe 7 years old, my favorite day of the week was Wednesday. The bus doors would squeak open, I would bound down the metal steps, then run--as fast as I could--all the way home, my best friend, Emily, yelling at me to slow down. Down one street I would go, zoom by the canal, down the hill, around the corner, and then past one, two, three houses, to my home. So, so excited because...Wednesday was my mom's day off. I knew she would be waiting for me at the table, working on a crossword or paying bills. I knew the house would be clean, vacuum tracks still fresh across the carpet, and smell of dinner cooking. I knew my brother and I wouldn't fight, or fight less, because she was there to intervene. I knew she'd want to hear all about my day and look at what I'd made in school It all felt so safe, so put together, with her in the middle. I remember how my little heart broke in silence when she told me she'd have to start working Wednesdays because we needed the money.

Were it not for the whole "we need money" thing, I would say I am about the most content woman alive right now. A week out of work, and I couldn't be happier.

Taking 25 credits last semester (equivalent to an 85 hour work week), followed by graduation and immediate employment, it really had been EIGHT MONTHS since I'd been at home for more than 2-3 hours a day. I hadn't realized how 'bare survival' our lives had become--nearly everything focused on what HAD to be done: meals, cleaning, homework, yard work, grocery shopping, baths--until I had something to compare it to. Now, suddenly, I have this thing called "time" again. Not that I'm without things to do, in fact I've still been as busy as ever, but it's a different kind of busy. It's a *happy busy*.

I run errands at less than breakneck speed. I'm reconnecting with my home and yard--cleaning and purging, even scrubbing baseboards and decorating for fall (which I don't think I've got to do in two years). I'm taking a few hours in the afternoon when all is clean and quiet to work on my writing. I'm baking fancy desserts for friends (including raspberry bread pudding with homemade vanilla sauce for Dr. Yummy). Last week, I actually sat down for an hour each night and watched TV (introduced to the world of Top Gear on the Netflix Dr. Yummy installed on the wii). It had been months, maybe even a year, since I watched an entire show without worrying what else I should be/had to be doing. Also, my laundry now gets washed AND dried AND folded AND put away. I know, right?!

Best of all has been the looks of joy on my kids faces when I wake up early with them, make breakfast, and have prayer and scripture study before sending them off, and that I'm still here again when they come home from school. Their faces remind me of what mine must have looked like on those Wednesdays when I was 7. The other day, L showed me some pictures he'd made on the computer and told me it would be neat if I hung them up like an art gallery in the hall. "Maybe you could even put a sign here," he said (pointing to a spot on the wall) "that said THIS WAY TO SEE THE ART." Normally, such a request would have gotten lost in the hustle and bustle of my day. Not saying I wouldn't have gotten it done, but probably  definitely not right away. But, on that day--I got it done. Right away. And the first thing out of L's mouth when he came home was an excited, "Look, J! Mom did it!"

My heart smiled.

I think I remember this woman, remember this life. I can vaguely, happily recall what it was to be able to give my life and my time to my family, home, and service. This always felt like the life I was created for. Unless I spontaneously win the lottery which I don't play, I know this can't last. Especially with Brad requesting now to pay me nearly half of what he does in child support/alimony, I have to be able to support myself and my boys. We will have to return to the survival only mode. It wasn't ideal--but we made it work and can again. 

For now, however, I am enjoying every second. I'm giving myself till Monday before I hit the ground running sending out applications. In the mean time, I'm going to finish getting everything cleaned and purged, wipe off the top of the refrigerator and scrub beneath the stove, play a few more extra games of Hi Ho Cherry-O with my little boys, go on a few more longboard/scooter rides with my big boys. Enjoy a few more quiet, still moments where I get to just sit, observe, and listen...and remember. Grateful to my Heavenly Father for this blessing wrapped in a trial.