It's the year 731. Abbess Eusebia and the 40 nuns under her care at the ocean side monastery in Marseille, France receive warning that Saracens of Arabia have invaded. Knowing that they could not escape, and knowing of the infamous cruelty of the invaders, Abbess Eusebia and those women under her make a drastic decision: In order, they hope, to preserve their sacred virginity--which they view as an integral part of their covenant relationship with God--they cut off their noses, believing their disfigured faces would thwart their would be attackers. And do you know what happened?
They were raped. So far as the historical records indicate, all of them were raped. Then killed. And their monastery burned to the ground.
Yup.
Hard to understand, isn't it? It's one of those stories that makes many throw up their hands and say, "there is no God. If there were, how could he let such horrible things happen to those who love and serve Him most?" It's a question we believers have some answers for---but that we can't fully reconcile in our hearts either. We try, I'm certain, but we fall short, knowing that there are so many questions we will never have answers for in this life. But that we have faith WILL be answered one day, somehow, by the only One who can answer them. Perfectly. Usually, that explanation doesn't go over so well with those who don't "get it."
So, it's one thing to hear a story like Abbess Eusebia (now a saint) and think, yeah, well, she was a nun. That's practically like signing on to be a martyr. We reason the same for the apostles who met horrible deaths. But not us, right? We just want to be humble followers. We agree to give, even to give until it's uncomfortable---but certainly God will never try us to the same ends as abbesses and apostles, right?
Well, I am not being asked to cut my nose off, nor being asked to endure torture and imprisonment for my beliefs. But, I do worry God is calling me to pass through more than I am able to, more than I am even able to comprehend passing through. And I am struggling desperately to figure out why?!
Why does God say, Here are things that I have sent to make you most happy: security in a family unit, marriage, the blessing of raising children together as a couple, prosperity in order to be able to help others. Yes, these are the very best temporal blessings I can give, says God. Look around you and see evidence of that everywhere. But you....you cannot have them. I know you want them more than anything, and that they're righteous desires but they are not meant for you. No you, you will be one who has to walk a different path, a lonely path. I will walk with you, and you will feel my divine presence when you need it the most, but you will also feel terrible, horrible loneliness that you will need to find a way to crawl on top of so it doesn't eat you alive.
And what do you say to that? You can't run away from what you know and believe--you'd forever be a shadow of yourself (ask Jonah!) but how, too, do you find the courage inside yourself to answer, "Well, I've lived my life in faith and devotion to you hoping one day you would deliver me, in a sense, in this life, and set me in a blessed and secure place, but you are now saying you're not going to do that and that this is my 'fate'? Well, that's ok, Lord. I'll still follow you. And be happy about it."
I'm not to that point yet. I can't answer with that surety. For as strong as my faith is, I'm just not there. I'm like the girl on the pinnacle of the largest hill on the roller coaster screaming, "STOP! STOP THE RIDE!" all the while knowing there's no getting off at this point. Not without a lot of damage. And haunted with the sick feeling that , although it's a roller coaster, I'm not going to 'enjoy the ride' all that much.
Cryptic post? Yes. I'm sorry about that. But even without being given all the specifics of how it relates to my life, can't you feel how it might relate to you? Do you ever ask yourself, what would I really give up to follow my faith? I mean, really , really? And what is your answer...?
5 comments:
this is your Liberty Jail moment Jennifer. you can survive this...i know you can. your faithful friend, Jon McFerson
As of late I have realized the temple has many many purposes, of course helping others that can't help themselves... Also: I really feel, and testify you can take heavy burdens that are weighing on you, the kind that the natural man can't seem to bear, and take them there. Then feel them lifted, maybe not disappear, but lifted. It's a simple thing that can be done when nothing else seems to help. And, for today, that is my answer. Loves.
All I can say is that I know our Heavenly Father loves you. I feel He has a special place in His heart for good, righteous women who have to go through the kinds of trials you have, through no fault of your own. You have been so unbelievably strong. I know I can't give you the love and comfort you want and deserve, but our Heavenly Father can give you a peace beyond any worldly comforts. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And for what it's worth, know that I truly care about you and love you.
Even without knowing any specifics, all I can say is I know how you feel. I am so there. Don't really want to be there, but I'm there. Is my faith strong enough? I want the same things you want, but I'm afraid I won't have them. Sometimes the little girl in me wants to scream at the top of my lungs.....I HATE DIVORCE!!
"Yes, these are the very best temporal blessings I can give, says God. Look around you and see evidence of that everywhere. But you....you cannot have them."
I usually just stalk your blog, but I related to this too much to let it pass by. This is how I feel every time they talk about eternal families in church. "Isn't it great--families can be together forever! Yes, that's right YOUR family. And yours. And yours. And...oh, sorry, single mom? Nope, not yours. Better luck next time." Ugh.
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