money schmuney

On my way to work this morning, I drove by a luxury car dealership. There was a man in creased trousers, a bleach white button-up shirt and shiny tie, with shampoo commercial silver hair. He was circling a waxy Mercedes, the drivers side door open (and, I imagine, emitting that intoxicating new car smell), talking on a cell phone.

I knew immediately he was going to buy the car. Something about the easy, content look on his face. The confidence in his stride. A man with few worries.

And I couldn't help but think, peering at him through the kid finger-streaked windows of my aging mini-van which sometimes quits for no reason while I'm idling--

Do you know how much of a difference what you're about to pay for that car could make in my life right now? In my friends' lives? The friend who has clotheslines criss-crossed across her kitchen because her dryer broke?  The one desperately in need of an attorney retainer so she can go after her wealthy but estranged ex-husband for some type of child support? The one who would like to have his broken molar fixed so he could stop having headaches?

Not that I begrudge anyone their right to monetary success and being able to spend hard-earned money on whatever they choose. I understand that there are a lot of secondary markets served by luxury purchases. I'm just saying...well, I hate that so many problems can be solved by money. So many minds eased from worry if they had a little extra.

I know I was blessed to have it and share what I could for a number of years. I know it made a huge difference in quite a few lives. Of course, giving money was always in addition to (or usually secondary to) giving of my time and labor in service. But sometimes, although people enjoy another person being there-- smiling, working alongside them--what they really need is cold, hard cash. And it is terribly frustrating not to have it to give anymore. To feel the hard boundaries and limited freedom not having it creates. 

As of last month, due to a situation I said I wouldn't blog about specifically, my finances have been cut in half. At a time I'm already staying awake for 20 hours a day working 5 different jobs and just making it...where on earth am I supposed to come up with double what I make now?!?! 

I suppose I've had these break-neck changes come frequently enough in my life that I'm not really worried. I'll figure something out. I always do. And it's never had to be anything illegal or immoral :). I know God is on my side and provides. I'm the best steward over my finances I can be. I'm still largely without debt. It's just, well, yeah. Have I said *frustrating* enough yet?

 Two years ago, while at the state Fair with Ninja, he dared me to go have my palm read. That whole "peeping wizard" thing isn't normally something I'd buy into, but it seemed harmless enough. And it was actually rather eerie, how accurate the palm reader woman was about my life--how and where I carry stress, the regular intervals of tragedy and/or loss in my life, my creative desires, my children. And then she pointed to a spot on one of the creases on my palm and said, "And here. I can see that you have struggled with money. I can see that money isn't important to you except to have enough of it and to be able to give to others. And it's coming. It's coming."

It was...calming. And whether or not it was accurate, it gave me something to look forward to. A happiness inside to know that maybe, just maybe, I could be the source of financially blessing others one day. A type of undercover super hero that sees a need and secretly fills it. Even if it can't be something huge like a house or a car, sometimes just the money for a dryer repair or a cell phone bill or a night out makes all the difference. I know. I've been the beneficiary of such kindness before. 

Anyway, for now--I keep working. And working. Hoping that these relentless efforts I've put into my education, my writing, my career--working for less in jobs that have a lot of promise and/or mentoring experiences--will pay off. Somehow. Eventually. Knowing that while all the best things in life really are free, I think the world could use more good people with money. Schmuney.