this is what it is to single parent

As I near the end of my 4 1/2 years of single mothering, I have come to realize how media has largely shaped our ideas of what a single mother looks like-- either a woman in subsidized housing, stripping or selling drugs to buy her kids shoes. Or one who made the choice to have a child on her own--working a corporate job, dating powerful men, and glamorously doing it all with help from nannies or day cares or fancy tuition-ed preschools. 

But I was/am neither of those.

In fact, I am probably you...

If "you" are a 30-ish church-going, stay-at-home mom in a lovely marriage with a man you adore, who book clubs and coupons and recipe swaps, not caring if you have 4 children--which seems a lot to the world--but you can manage them and can't imagine life with even one less. Maybe you, like I, have a small side business (mine was interior design) you run to keep busy, keep sharp, and earn a little extra spending money to buy that special Christmas or birthday gift.

And then one day, everything changes and you're on your own. Maybe, like me, you never saw it coming and end up divorced despite swearing you'd NEVER, EVER get divorced (sadly sitting with the realization it takes two living for that promise). Perhaps you've even wrongfully judged those who DID divorce as "just not trying hard enough." Maybe your spouse passes away. Whatever it is, the burden once carried by two--financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally--is now all on you. 

Even if you, like I, have an amicable co-parenting relationship with your ex-spouse, mother's carry the brunt of the situation as we tend to have majority custody of the children.

And you have to scramble to make it all happen, somehow, quickly--despite often feeling you can barely get out of bed beneath the sudden weight of sadness and loneliness. Mortgage companies don't wait for your mourning. The power bill doesn't care if you're still trying to pinpoint where it all went wrong. The gas bill doesn't care if you can't sleep at night because you're not used to being alone and all those noises keep scaring you awake, reminding you of your vulnerability in being the sole protector. Clothes still wear out, homework still needs done, tummies still need filled, life has to go on, despite.  You can't stay home anymore. You're hurting.  Your kids are hurting and need your more than ever. There seems to be no good that can come of the situation. You feel you may never smile genuinely again.

Some are blessed with good families to fall back on for help. A lot of my single mom friends moved  in with their parents for a time, or had single siblings move in with them to help. I didn't have this option but I was blessed to have a financial reserve to draw on for several years, thanks to the sale of my ex-husband's business facilitated by his family--which, in my case, made all the difference in being able to find my way in this terrifying new situation.

But then came the day that money was gone, or near gone. I had just finished school but still couldn't find a job that would pay enough to support my home, bills, and my children. I took on a job, then another job, and another, and another--trying desperately to cram in as much "experience" into the shortest amount of time.

My lowest point in single parenting came when my ex no longer covered the boys' insurance and was growing increasingly more spotty in his child support payments. He was struggling too, with a new wife and baby. I tried to be understanding but it was difficult to continue to rely on him when he was the one who had put us in the situation in the first place.

I recall clearly the day I had to go into the Health and Welfare office, nearly in tears, and say something to the effect of, "Hey--I know I look really hip and with it, I'm an educated woman, well-known in the community, employed. I used to be doing just fine when I was married--we were business owners and had a new house. Now I can't hold on to that house and still make sure my children have access to health and dental care. I'm even struggling some months with feeding them. Yup, that's right. I need help just feeding my children and making sure they can go to the doctor when they get hurt or sick. My labor alone isn't enough. I feel practically worthless. Can you help me, please?"

Fun, right?

And even more fun having to produce that Medicaid or food stamp card at the doctor's office or grocery store, and still hold on to some amount of dignity when you see the smirk on the face of the clerk. I learned to grocery shop very late at night and only check out with one lady who was always exceptionally nice. I changed doctors to an office that was Medicaid friendlier. I didn't take on health care assistance for myself. I avoided credit card debt at all costs. I kept working hard, desiring to get out of the system as soon as possible.

On the flip side, I can't say single mothering was all bad. I did love the closet and bathroom and ice cream and free time all to myself. I did make some incredible, supportive, hilarious friends I may never have made otherwise. I did settle into a new routine, a new normal. I did genuinely smile again.

And--I learned a lot. Lessons I will most certainly take with me into my new marriage.:*How to do just about anything from repairing my dishwasher to cutting my children's hair by watching YouTube videos.* How to mow my lawn and fix my sprinklers.* How to plan and work a budget like nobody's business, stretching a dollar as far as it could go so that we would have just a little left over to do something fun from time to time, like go for pizza. *I learned to barter for things I needed as well, swapping out dinners or design work for sewing or babysitting.*I learned what to let go of (spotless floors) for what I wanted to hang on to most (reading with my children).*I learned not to waste my precious time and emotional energy on worrying about things I could not change. Somehow--by my own exhausting efforts or divine assistance from angels on earth--problems always managed to resolve (or at least postpone) themselves.

Most importantly, as a single mother, I learned how to partner with God--to let him fill that role in my life my husband used to. I've said that in previous posts, but it really was, is, true. I learned to trust Him in a way I have never trusted before, knowing He perfectly had my back. I didn't (and don't) always understand how He works, or why He does some of things He does, but I can say without a doubt, that He does love me perfectly and has shown that love again and again in undeniable ways. Miracles have come to pass before my eyes. He made up for my weaknesses and I know He always can, even with my remarriage, if I continue to let Him.

So, if you know a single mother, even one who has been single for a while, who looks really "with it"--dressed nice, employed, smiling--please, PLEASE know they still labor under very heavy loads. If you can, help them carry just a bit of it. Guaranteed your name will be the first thanked in their prayers that night.