jennifer is dead

No, no----I'm not really. But Mama Kat's writers workshop tells me to pretend I am. And to write my own obituary. Since I'm doing this past 9 am in the morning (when the tumbleweeds are blowing through blogland and the lonely air is ringing with the sound of crickets), I probably won't have many readers--but I'm intrigued with the idea so here goes
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Jennifer P. was found dead in her golden bed this morning. She slipped away peacefully in her sleep with her boyfriends Alan Rickman, Sporticus, and Blake Lewis by her side.

She was loved by all who knew her, but especially by her children....and also those she gave her millions to. Her fortune was made in the lucrative world of poetry, where she will be remembered for her readings to standing room only crowds and her status as Poet Laureate of the United States for 23 years in a row. She also ran an interior design business, recorded a jazz album, was the 3 time Iditarod champion, restored vintage british roadsters, and drove a forklift for a packaging company on the weekends "just for fun".

Her childhood was a happy, imaginative one where she use to pretend she was going to the sports club to play tennis with Leif Garrett and Shaun Cassidy (which really meant walking to the end of the street with a tennis racket, standing next to the stop sign, and talking to herself). As a teenager, she was the one picking flowers along the side of the road, and rescuing stray kittens--while sporting blue streaked hair and wearing fishnet stockings with Doc Martens. She also had some mad, teenage synthesizer playing skillz.

Her 4 beautiful boys must have come to her through immaculate conception, for surely she would never have married anyone who duped her and left after 13 years....

Her funeral will be held, as she requested, at the circus. Everyone will eat popcorn and wave overpriced light-up toys while the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings an original composition devoted to her. Blake Lewis will also do a little beat boxing. Afterwards, the remainder of her fortune will be divided amongst all those in attendance and she will be buried beneath the Luxor in Las Vegas.

No one can say this woman didn't know how to live.

aaaaah yeeeeah.


(*elements of fiction may have been woven in amongst the truth in the above piece. I'm just sayin.... :) )