decades of change

So, I haven't felt like I've been very candid on here lately. There's a lot going on that I want to write through--but for some reason or another, I stop myself--wondering who's reading. And then I saw one of Mama Kat's Writers Workshop prompts, and I just knew it was time to let some stuff out. Here goes:

5.)Describe what brought you closer to your faith.

I can't remember ever not believing. I didn't come from an especially religious family, per say, but I can recall always being fascinated with religion. With stories of God and love and protection and help. Having lost my dad in a car accident when I was only 4, I always felt a deep need for a protector. I prayed a lot as a young child too. Wasn't really sure how to do it, but I did a lot of asking for angels to come down and hug me. They never came--not that I could see anyway--but it always made me feel better to ask.

As I grew, I was blessed to be surrounded by good friends who exposed me to all kinds of religions. I think I tried about every church available in our town of 24,000 before finally settling on the one I felt most at peace with.

And somehow, amidst all this--my life was going on. I often think of it in terms of decades. In 1980, I was just starting kindergarten. By 1989, I was driving to school (yes...we could drive at 14 in Idaho!)****. In 1990, I fell in love for the first time. By 1999, I was married and had 2 children. **** And now this generation---in 2000, life seemed too perfect. We were planning on starting a new business and expanding our family, had just bought a new house, and celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. By 2009, I was divorced, struggling to find a way to be able to stay at home with my 4 boys and still earn a living, and feeling like my whole life--everything I knew to be true and right and good--got swiped away like eraser dust off paper.

Such huge, life-altering changes--for good and bad--in such a relatively short amount of time.

What hadn't changed in all those years and through all those ups and downs was my love and my need for God. Through feast and famine, financial prosperity and financial destitution, births and deaths, times of accomplishment and times of uncertainty---I KNEW God had never left me. That, in His wisdom, He had allowed all these things to pass upon me to make something of me better than I was before I came here. I didn't always (ok...mostly always) like what was being asked of me, but I like to think I endured it well and cheerfully wait for God to tell me "why" in His own way and time.

I don't know what the future will hold. I hope more good than bad.
I hope it holds a lot of laughter and adventure.
I hope my children will make good choices, and go on to live happy, fulfilling lives of their own.
I hope I find love again.
I hope what I have been through and what I have learned can go on to help others in some capacity.

And as for God---well, He never seems to grow tired of me asking him for the same things over and over and over. He doesn't always give them to me, but not because He's mean---just because He knows they're not what is best for me at this time.

"For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God. For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee....O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted! Behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colors, and lay thy foundations with sapphires...And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children" (from Isaiah 54).

Could I ever think up such amazing blessings as these for myself? No way! And that's why I'm going into the start of this next decade with my hand in my Fathers---anxious to see what He has in store for me next. And *that* attitude is what brings me daily closer to my faith.