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I had a huge crush on him in high school and it picked right back up when our paths crossed again last Spring. He seemed just as out of my league now as he did then though-- with his suave, quiet exterior, his amazing singing and songwriting talent, and his cool car. He'd done a lot of acting too and turns out I'd watched him on local and regional commercials for years not realizing it was him!
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We struck up a friendship based on our political beliefs and started to spend some time together. One night, he came over to watch a movie with me and another friend of mine. We were sitting next to each other. At some point, I stretched my arm up and over the back of the couch. Turns out he already had his arm along that spot, and our hands ended up touching. It startled me, and I went to pull back my hand. Yet, something about it felt reeeeally good too. I ended up leaving it there for just a second, and he grabbed it :). Yes--I know, I sound like I'm 13, but my insides went up in sparks at that moment. We were soon spending a lot and lot of time together.
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In short: I have never, never been loved as intensly as this man loves me. I continue to refrain from sex until I'm married again, so I don't mean THAT kind of intense loving--but everything about him seems to be made to fit me. He knows just what compliments to give me. Just how to place his hand in the small of my back as we walk. Just how to kiss my forehead good bye before he leaves.
He'll often come here during his lunch break and if I'm not home, he'll leave a note on my pillow. And since he's a songwriter and poet, those are some pretty amazing notes! He can unload my dishwasher and know where all the dishes go. He has impeccable taste. He hand made me a gorgeous jewelry box for Christmas. He spent New Years Eve with me....fixing my toilet. Last week I came home to find him insulating my windows for me because I had said (in passing) how freezing it was in my house.
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He walks the walk and talks the talk. That's just who he is. Genuine. True to himself.
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Plus he's got this whole Sean Penn/ Aaron Eckhart/ Rebel Without a Cause look going for him. This was a picture he sent me one night just to let me know he was going to bed and was thinking of me:
Yummy, right?Yet--there's still that huge religious elephant sitting in the room of our relationship. We've tried our best to decorate it up really nicely or just ignore it--but it won't go away. I know when I first mentioned that potential problem on the blog, a lot of you said it wasn't that big of a deal.
But trust me, it is.
Having been married for 13 years to a man who at least went through the motions of being very religious (I sure was fooled!), I know how absolutely important a shared faith is. It's actually the very most important thing to me. And yet, there was sooooo much good about Green Eyes, I really thought that he and I could make it work. That we could somehow exist religiously *side by side*. It was worth the investigating anyway. But as our discussions on the subject now begin to end in hurt, confused tears--- we're learning that one or the other of us is going to have to budge to make it work. We're both so reliant on and comfortable in our personal relationships with God, that neither of us are ready to take that step. We both agreed a long time ago to put Heavenly Father first in our lives--and him converting to my faith, or mine to his seems to be asking too much of either of us right now.
I don't know what's going to happen, but I know for sure that we would be setting ourselves up for disaster if we attempted to enter into a marriage in this condition. It's only been 5 months, but we seem to be at that point where a decision of some kind needs to be made. Either what we have is good enough to give more time, knowing the risk of getting further tangled up with one another's lives and children and perhaps merely prolonging and enlarging the eventual pain OR we back away-- happy for the time we've had together, happy for what we've learned, sad that it didn't work out, but at peace knowing we made the right decision.
There's the first half of my dilemma....
Second half tomorrow.
18 comments:
You'll find this NOWHERE in scripture, but it's been my experience that 'singles' are tested with a lovely counterfeit before they find THE ONE. It happened to me right before I committed my heart to my husband. We were dating, but that perfect 'blast from the past' came back to test my resolve.
And before that I was engaged and content to marry someone that would have been a DISASTER. It took dear friends stepping in and gently 'knocking some sense into me'...to realize that would have been a marriage of convenience. Just don't settle. Look for the peace that passes ALL understanding. And THAT is verifiable truth, right?
As you well know, marriage - after the new lovey love lovealicious phase is 'over' - is hard enough without a giant faith elephant in the room. Where would your family go to church? Split each week? Wish you were elsewhere? Him wishing he was elsewhere? I hate the thought of that. :(
BUT people have and do happily make it work. As long as you'll both spend eternity in the place He's designed for us!! Praying for clear guidance for you.
Gosh... ugh. Mr. B and I have just MINOR religious differences and THAT has proven to be a challenge... converting faiths seems like a darn big one.
He sure does seem like a wonderful man.
Praying for wisdom. Because that elephant does matter.
Pr. 2 - For the Lord gives wisdom and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
Always enjoy reading your blog! :)
Oh my goodness. I know your heart must be in tangles. You love this person and wonder why God would put him into you life unless, maybe there should be more. I am sorry you are hurting! I am praying for you. Can you put some distance between yourself and green eyes for a bit and spend that time praying and in the Word? Entering into a relationship where you both have differences in religion...just sounds heartbreaking. I am praying for wisdom for you, and for discernment.
I'm curious what others are commenting, but I don't have time to see. Here's what I say--
I am with you on the importance of a couple being on the same page with religion. In some ways isn't that why Brad left? Just curious.
Green Eyes does sound perfect. I can see why this would be such a tough decision. And I feel for you!
It sounds like if you took emotions away from this decision, it would be pretty simple. The BIG problem is the feelings you have for each other. But if you took that away, and just looked at facts, what would the decision be on both your parts? It seems like you both need to decide if there were a possibility if either of you would be willing to change. You mentioned that. And I'm hoping on your end you're saying it's not a possibility for you. It sounded like that was the case too. But I'm not so sure about his end. Does he think that as for himself, there is no possibility he could change his beliefs? Once you both have that answer, I think you will have your final answer in regards to your relationship. Or do you already have that answer, but just can't let go of each other because of how you feel for each other?
that IS a delimna, and i won't pretend any other.
i can't even give you advice. i totally understand where you're coming from (well...i *don't* understand in the way that i've been there before...but i understand wanting to be loved and not really caring--for a while at least--if it comes from someone that you're not sure you could be with forever...) -- and don't fault you for wanting to have that kind of love take care of up and uphold you, even if only for a while....but i'm pretty sure you know what i would tell you: break it off before it hurts even more to do so---not that i think the pain will be any less today, tomorrow or a month or more in the future --- he seems like a pretty awesome fella jennifer...what a pain! :)
You obviously both have a heart for God. Religion is just the man-made constraints on your relationship with Him. HOW you worship and WHERE you worship does not so much matter, right? I don't know. If you share the same foundation then I think this is an obstacle you two can overcome. If there are actual differences in WHAT you believe, it may be a little harder to work past those issues. I guess what I'm saying is ~ if he is Methodist and you are Baptist (or something similar, you know), I don't think it really matters.
He is definitely dreamy. I see how it would/will be hard to let him go.
I think when we think of the verse about being unequally yoked (sorry I'm too lazy to actually look it up), we think of the saved and unsaved, or those who love the Lord and those who don't. However, I do believe it means those with different beliefs as well. I think those who do make it work, usually don't have as much faith in who and what they believe as you and Green eyes do. You know, like it's the Catholic mom and protestant dad and dad just doesn't go to church and lets mom take the kids kind of thing. That doesn't sound like what's going on here.
I wish you the best. Wish more of a wonderful relationship, but since you asked :) I do have my doubts about this one. Love you!
To me this sounds like heartbreak in a lot of directions. It's not fun to entertain the thought that no matter waht you do you may encounter a lot of pain. Faith is a big issue, especially because it seems that your faith is what has always gotten you through. This is a tough question, to stay and hope, or go and hope for the best...we will keep you in our prayers.
Well, you know my history, and I haven't forgotten that both my Dad and my hubby came around, but in both cases it was before the commitment to make the relationship MORE.
I dated other guys that I was in love with before my Shane-- I still love them, just not in that married way. In each instance, we both learned a lot and forged a caring relationship that taught us better how to love and be loved. It wasn't time wasted, it was time well spent. Nonetheless, my end decision was a great one-- far greater than I appreciated at the time. I wouldn't trade spiritual balance for all the passion, attraction, sparks, and goosebumps in all the world. And coincidentally (and not from the beginning), now I have both! :)
That's a tough one. And I agree that it is a huge dilemma. People of other faiths might not get why it's such a big deal, but I know that it is.
Gosh, that is a tough one. He seems sooooooo sweet. But, if your faith is that important to you and you have already been there with someone who "tried", then it may not work:-(
I agree that being on the same page spiritually is very important. My ex-husband absolutely fooled me and everyone else, but it is the one thing that has kept me from dating. The men that have been interested either aren't religious or don't share the same religion and I just don't want to go there.
It's not the same thing but I gave up my lovely home, my wonderful life, my career, my friends and my family to move to the other side of the world to be with my husband. But you see, I can re-create all the things I 'lost'. I can still make a home, I keep in touch with my friends, I can join new groups and I call my family all the time. I still wish we both could've had everything we wanted but when I realise how enriched being with my husband makes my life I can't say I did the wrong thing. My family hasn't changed, God hasn't changed - he'll still be to you what he is now. I'd say you should try accompanying each other to church for a while and try to make the decision on what's going to be the easiest way to move forward together. No obstacle is insurmountable when you have your soulmate at your side.
God bless you while you're finding your path.
I think I have figured out here that it's more than just Baptist and Methodist, right? There are real, fundamental differences where one of you believes the other is wrong, if I can be so presumptuous.
If that's the case, I don't think it works. I'm so sorry to throw that perspective out, but if I could talk to you in real life, that is what I would say. Sometimes in comments I tend to be softer than I would be if I was talking to a friend here, but I like you enough to keep it real.
Plus, you have kids. That makes it harder. So much harder.
I don't discount that this will be hard. Believe me, I have been through a similar situation with a guy who believed religion was just for women. But he seemed so wonderful I wanted to overlook it, but after awhile it just would have been such a problem. It was awkward and uncomfortable and he didn't understand why it was over, but when I met my husband at my church, it was so much easier.
I will keep you in my prayers. I don't envy you.
Jen (I feel like I can call u that cuz I feel like we would seriously be friends in real life) Dating after being married and having kids SUCKS. I often feel like can't I just be handed mr. perfect (for me)? After everything I have been through can't I just get that break? Heavenly Father thinks otherwise tho. I am currently in a similar situation. I am at a crossroads in my relatiionship and don't know what I should do. I don't wanna make the wrong decision. It it so much harder when kids are involved, it is no longer what I need and want but what is going to be best for my kids.
Keep your head up and I will keep you in my prayers (can u keep me in urs? ;) You will make the right decision, I know it! Good luck!
PS. man, Green Eyes sure is a handsome dude!!!!
I am all wrapped up in the drama and can hardly stand the suspense.
What is going on? :)
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