Hi....I'm back.........And kind of scared.
This blog has been my therapy and my confidant for nearly 2 1/2 years now. I have had periods of feeling held back as to what I could write based on people I knew who were reading--but they have been temporary. And somehow--SOME HOW--I have managed to live my life very candidly for this amount of time without angering anyone. I have gotten "blunt" comments before, but never anything that has downright hurt me. Until now........
"shocked and dismayed by the casual cruelty of those who publically humiliate and hurt people they *claim* to care about simply because they are absurdly self-absorbed and immature. Yes, I'm talking to you and your thoughtless and callous little Cosmo quiz blog."
That tongue lashing came from an extremely intelligent woman linked to
Green Eyes. One I didn't know well, though still thought highly of. And it hurt. Ouch. Did it ever hurt.
----I am not afraid of taking criticism. I purposely keep people in my life who tell me things like they see them. People who spoon feed me my medicine without the sugar. They're very grounding.----
Of course--I prefer and respond better to kind, constructive conversations that begin something like "I'm a little concerned with what you're doing and let me tell you why..." followed by caring, well-thought out words that come from the heart. I GUARANTEE you I will internalize anything told me in that manner. But...I'm willing to take the occasional "knock that off and get over it already" type of statement--as long as it comes from someone willing to see my point of view as well.
I don't think anyone has ever called me cruel, absurdly self-absorbed, immature, or callous before, and when I read those words--I shut down inside. It was hearing the very, very worst about myself and thinking...."oh my goodness--what if that's TRUE?" I went numb from the sudden probing into my soul I had to do.
Both Green Eyes and Ninja know about my blog. They both read. They both had an understanding that often times this is how I work through things. With my parents and other large numbers of relatives dead, with my siblings mired in their own struggles with alcohol and drama, and--in the case of wondering about Green Eyes and Ninja--my group of friends prone to choose Ninja because he was their friend too--I turned to my very diverse group of blog friends to help me. Green Eyes did express some hurt that I didn't write more about his level of faith, and that his ability to love me in the way he did (does?) came from a Source beyond his own. And so I put that out there for you now: Green Eyes is a spiritually solid man who lives his life seeking God's will. I saw that in him and hadn't seen it in anyone else.
I got what I'd set out to gather from the series of posts--which was a lot of helpful email and comments. I am a collector of other peoples wisdom and experience, and I have been doing a lot of thinking about what was told to me. My one regret would be wording the question "Team Green Eyes? Or Team Ninja?" What I was really looking for was not 'tell me who you like' but 'tell me what you feel is a greater stumbling block: a faith difference or an age difference?'. Most of you caught on to that, and again I thank you for your well thought-out opinions and stories.
As I scrolled through the list of commenters, I know most of you have been reading for a long, long time. A few of you are my real-life friends and family. A few of you were linked directly to Green Eyes or Ninja. A few of you I have had the privilege to meet personally even though we first met on the internet. I got Christmas cards and Birthday cards from a number of you. You are my friends. Though my blog writing can prove entertaining, it is more often than not a call for feedback to put words into my life that would otherwise be full of silence. Is that being self-absorbed? I don't know. Maybe. It's hard to look past the fact that this blog is, in fact, *all about me*
I took down the Green Eyes/ Ninja posts for now and continue to apologize to anyone who got caught up in it unknowingly. Green Eyes has forgiven me. In Ninja's words "Ninja's fear not these things". And now I hope the woman with the ability to prick at my heart with her words might look into forgiving me as well. And--if not--may she consider herself a success in the fact that she has caused me to do some serious, SERIOUS soul-searching .
And that's all I have to say about that.
29 comments:
As one who loves reading your blog--every post, though rarely comments (sorry 'bout that--you are just so clever and witty most times all I can do is chuckle and go on with my day--I just cannot add anything of value to the sentiment!),I am angry at this callous woman's comments. You have nothing to be forgiven of from her. You wrote from the heart asking for advice. That you lay bare so much of your life to your blog audience is always amazing to me. As in 'that-would-be-so-cool-to-be-that-transparent-in-my-blog' amazing :) You put yourself out there and I am so sorry to see that she took advantage of your vulnerability. She must be a very hurt person. As your tag reads "sad blog thing". She is just that. And I hope her hurtful words do not change your blog. There is so much good here.
annaliese--
Thank you very much for the kind words.
She was looking out for Green Eyes--and for that I can forgive her and ask the same of her. It feels better to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
And it's not a bad thing to be less open and transparent ;).
Ouch is right! That would have hurt me so badly. It's interesting to me that she can call you such hurtful things in attempt to say how callous you are. And for what purpose? It seems if it was to accomplish a good purpose, it would have been stated in a much more constructive way. Huh... I hesitate to say it but it seems to be a bit hypocritical.
We haven't ever met, and I have no connections with your connections. A friend of mine follows your blog and I saw that you homeschool and peeked at some of the things you have written in the past and was amused. I have been following you and your recent endeavorer, and have left a comment (and prayed for you as you tried to figure out what is best). I have to say, I am so sorry that someone has used your blog for evil instead of good. I can see that what you wrote was you working through it, not a poll. My advice...something my grandmother (who has gone home now) would always say, "Let it roll off your back like water off a ducks back." I love my grandmother and her wisdom. I realize that what she was trying to convey was it hurt me more than it hurt the other person. For me to sit and dwell on it and be frustrated...or whatever feeling I had was hurtful for me. But to let go and let God take it was/is the best. Let me tell you, I battle this all the time, so it is SOOOO much easier to type it/say it than do it. But please know that you are in my prayers.
Haha, I didn't comment on your last blog posts because really, I don't know you or the men so really I can't say who will lead to a happily ever after... or whatever we can hope for on this earth. Anyways, I do want to say that I've often pondered over the concept of "privacy even though you have a blog". It seems like so many people feel obligated to post EVERY single little thing about their life on their blog because it's their responsibility to their readers. It's dumb. And the people in your life might not appreciate you putting them on the internet for the world to read (ok, that's a reference to my husband haha). Having said that I didn't "get" that feeling from your posts. You are a writer, you have a need to write. So be it.
Now here's my OPINION of the matter: It's interesting that Green Eyes feels like you short-changed him in your description of his faith. Your blog posts are YOUR perception, how you wrote it is probably how you REALLY feel even if you are trying to convince yourself otherwise. And our capacity to follow the will of the Lord is determined by our foundation of doctrine. You disagree on the doctrine.
Anyways, ultimately the reason I'm commenting is to say this: it matters to the people referenced in the blog post, NOT friends of those people referenced in the blog posts. If someone actually named in the post felt it was inappropriate then there is a real issue there. And how she can form such negative words about you from reading your blog is beyond me. It's honest and heart-felt and an enjoyable read :) I wish you the best!
Jenn,
India Arie says it best.... 'This too shall pass' ; stay true to yourself and don't let the comments of ANYONE hurtful affect you. This woman sounds extremely callous and self-absorbed to be so cruel as to call YOU names on YOUR OWN blog. Yes, it IS about you. As it SHOULD be. Don't doubt yourself. Just pray for her. And if she ever falls off her pedestal, pray that she is surrounded by people LIKE YOU. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
wow I can't believe someone called you those things. As the mom of four boys I find you to be very caring and absorbed in them. I like Ninja's response and I still vote for team ninja! If I can ever get my google account thingy working I will post with a real name but for now, sigh, I am still techno-challenged! ps your blog is a delight!
The truth is, this woman probably wasn't trying to hurt you, she was probably trying to save green eyes from some heart ache, but without a full understanding of what was happening her vision was severely limited. I'm sorry that she hurt your feelings. Know that I think you're a wonderful person, and I hope the hurt heals soon.
I did wonder if either Green Eyes of Ninja read your blog and what they might think about it. It's interesting how much we choose to share, I think. I don't say too much about my husband most days, because, like you, my blog is about me and what I'm feeling. I try not to bash my job or my MIL, cause I just don't want that kind of trouble...but what you did? You phrased it perfectly: soul searching. You were looking for perspective beyond your own. I get it. You could have put a poll up and had us vote, and you didn't! And most people wrote long comments with serious reasons and advice.
Ultimately, the choice is yours. And I still say, age is easier to overcome than faith.
We'll never please everyone. My observation is that those who know you in person and by reading your blog LOVE YOU TO PIECES and TO DEATH and YOU HAVE DONE US ALL HUGE FAVORS by sharing the thoughts of your mind and heart. You did it with the guys knowing beforehand.
I still cannot believe those words were said about you.
I have no problem, and see no problem with your posts. You stated quite clearly early on that you write to work things out, and were using us as a sounding board.
However,I do understand the debate about publishing certain things.
I often feel that I am being talked about and even judged on things I put on my blog. Everything from my ability level as a "photographer", to my choice in curriculum for my children. And I for one, am tired of it.
So when my husband asked about making the blog private - I happily agreed.
Besides, it was started for my family. And that's who it's for.
(I'll make sure I send you the link with your password, because I so enjoy your comments. :) )
I will continue to pray for peace and healing for you my friend.
Love and hugs, Mrs. Morris.
Good for you for confronting this head on and in public on the...duhn duhn duhn....blog. Sorry I didn't get to chat w/ you last night, I totally fell asleep. Here's my two bits (for what their worth, which isn't much). This commentor is obviously "team Green Eyes" and knows him personally. She was just standing up for him. Not necessarily against you. Please don't take what she said to heart. You're not shallow or callous, just in love with 2 men at the same time. (For 2 different reasons.) And looking for some approval for one or the other. Nothing wrong with that. I don't feel like you pit them against each other. In fact, I feel like you presented each man's best side. They BOTH sound amazingly wonderful and we'll all be happy with whomever you choose to be happy with. And if "she" ever reads this comment, I hope she'll be a little bit softer to my friend Jennifer next time.
Yeah, that was kind of brutal! If it served a purpose of spiritual growth, then you may in time be ale to forgive that person.
I am so humbled by ur willingness to forgive Jen! U r a true example to me in so many ways! I LOVE ur blog and think its amazing how u can be so honest in your writing. I admire u Jen...keep up the good work...ur in my thoughts and prayers!
(hug) It will all work out for the best.
I am giving you a blog hug and now I am giving a tub of Ben and Jerrys followed by a nice long manicure.
It's hard because I will often refer to you, Mama Kat, and a couple other blog writers to my friends and family as if you were any other friend or family member. I never say this blog I read or "Jennifer from this blog I read". The point being, you were processing and reaching out to your support and friends. It's not as if you took a poll or had us actually vote. Furthermore, if after searching on your own you were pulled one way and we all said another, you would have followed your heart, not us. You needed support, guidance, a sounding board.
I didn't comment on the posts only because I didn't feel pulled either way, and I didn't feel I could fairly comment. I have faith, but I don't know that it is strong as yours so it would be too easy for me to say..."You can get past the differences in faith." and I didn't feel right with commenting about the age difference because to mean it's just a number but I don't have children and I think that really changes things.
At the end of the day, I think it's hard to know that although it was unintentional and completely out of character, your actions may have hurt someone.
If Green eyes and Ninja are ok, and if you have made an effort to clear things with others impacted, then there isn't much more you can do.
Don't hide, don't stifle, and most important Jennifer - Don't change. You are amazing - an amazing writer and person!
Ok. I don't know if I've commented before, but I am a faithful reader. I so appreciate your honesty and authenticity.
I thought the idea of reaching out to your readers was very wise. Often, those who "read" our thoughts without knowing us personally have a different view of who we are... we can lay it all out there in writing when we are too scared to do so in person.
That said, I am also experiencing someone completely misinterpreting my actions. It is so painful. I've never had my integrity questioned in such a hurtful way. I want to defend myself and explain my intentions. (Too bad they don't read my blog :) I rest knowing that I know my heart. Those closest to me know my heart. I will have a different perspective on giving others the benefit of doubt in the future.
It is your blog. Those who *get* you get your sense of humor and your personality.
And...a faith difference is a much bigger deal than an age difference. :)
Don't be put off and change how you do things and risk losing this community you've built up around yourself and how much it means to you. I suspect that half the reason your blog is so successful is evident in how touching this last post was - you care about your people. We care about you.
Just laugh this off and remember that folk deal with things in different ways. Don't feel bad, you've only been honest and both your men friends know exactly what's going on. They know you and how you work and about your blog - you have nothing to feel bad about.
Laugh it off WITH them and just move on as normal, probably as even better friends with them for having been through this. The mean poster is the only one who needs to come out of this looking/feeling like an idiot, you and the 2 guys know where you stand and are the only ones really qualified to comment.
Curl Girl (and all), we live our own lives. We struggle with our own demons. We ultimately must make our own decisions. I believe I have seen (and admire) that you live for your faith, your children, your family and friends. Even if you expressed your thoughts and ideas in an awkward manner (I didn't and don't think you did), I do not for one minute think that it was intentional. Most who follow your blog would think the same thing. As long as you are comfortable with your own relationship with God and your boys, then all else can stay in the bleachers as spectators (even the family and friends). Bask in their cheers, reflect on their boos, but play "the game" the way you decide to play. I'm cheering for you and all others who trying their best!
hmmm...i don't think that you have much "immaturaty" to worry about dearie...
:)
Hmmmm, as usual you handled this with much more grace than I have in my little pinky. And I think one of your commenter's is correct in saying this woman was probably trying to keep Green Eyes from hurt. But obviously you've mistaken her as intelligent.....if she was, she wouldn't have lashed out at you here. She would have talked to you face to face about her concerns. She owes you an apology. Jen, it's always good to do a bit of self soul searching, but it should come from a source you love and trust, who has your best interest as heart.
Ugh, yeah, that hurt.
I was one called fake in reference to my faith and it hurt like nothing else. I am on Team 'say what you mean and mean what you say'...but we all have our separate filters. And we can't be responsible for EVERYONE else's filters. Your last post certainly had me cringing for those guys...but if they are investing in your life, then they accept the entire package! I think you handled the situation with grace. Good for you. Praise to God, He's our filter.
Well... I always speak my mind.
Luckily, I have a kind, thoughtful, sweet-speaking mind, that thinks sharp things, but in a non-judgmental, give-'em-the-benefit-of-the-doubt sort of way.
I want to gently remind your friend that you are a kind, deep-thinking, self-criticizing woman who honestly knows her weaknesses better than most, and is thereby always in search of bettering and renewal, and therefore not in need of harsh words when the same thing could be said with love and compassion. So, Dear Friend of Green Eyes, thank you for loving him enough to stick up for him-- we all wish to have and be such friends. I'm sure I am not the only one who has heard straight from Jennifer, and outside of the blog, her deep respect of GE's devotion to God and religion. I personally have no doubts that she completely adores him, and were she not like him in the respect of deep conviction to her own religion, they would already be MORE. Please be gentle. Jennifer is a real woman, with real feelings. When life tries to beat her down, she rises and conquers in her own way, and yet, in all of these words, her blog over, I have yet to have ever read an unkind, thoughtless, or callous observation on her part, ever.
Please don't hurt Jennifer. She loves deeply, she forgives deeply, she thinks deeply, she hopes deeply, she absorbs deeply, and therefore can be hurt deeply by the unkind, thoughtless, or callous observations of her by others.
I thought about you and came over to your blog--haven't read it in a long time but I was reading when your life was a turmoil and I remember how you wrote about Brad right before he left you and felt very sorry for you.
So--even if I have not kept up with you and do not know about the two guys, I think it is wonderful that you have TWO men in your life and that they both care for you.
I think my decision might be how the boys interact with him and which one they might love the best and the one that would love them.
You neve forget your first love, Jennifer, thats all there is to it.
But you can move on and love again and find happiness. Bless you.
I didn't comment the other day on that certain blogpost, simply b/c I cannot give an honest opinion about 2 guys I don't know at all. With that said, I want to tell you how sad your negative comment was...and I'm sorry it was said to you. "This too shall pass"...right.
Anyway, this shall all work itself out. Hold your head up high girlfriend.
OUch. I'm so sorry. However, I guess the good thing that came from it was the soul searching......whether you need it or not.
And, I don't know, but I have a whole new respect for Green Eyes.
And you.
XOXO
So easy for women to go all mama-bear when our loved ones are involved, and so incredibly NOT self-absorbed for you to share these comments and to consider them deeply. I wish I had this kind of courage - to consider my choices in open forum and admit I'd do things differently. I hope she forgives, and I hope you don't change a thing.
I am like you with my writing. I write to get things out and it helps me express myself even if the outcome isn't always good. when I read those two post I never thought of it as hurtful although I did see an outcome of someone possibly taking it the wrong way. I am sorry that the reaction of that person was hurtful because I believe in that situation it could have been worded differently and still gotten the point across without hurting you the way it did, but I can see how words like that could hinder your writing or your pride for that matter. I think you are a great writer and a while back i posted a blog about a problem I had that had forced me to move from Boise. It was the hardest blog to post because I know I have a lot of family and friends that didnt know the situation but read my blogs. it took me forever to post that blog but i finally did and I got some positive feedback on staying strong, but then I also had some people that looked down on me or took what I wrote the wrong way. It hurt because what i shared was so personal, and these few people I loved or respected almost took it as a way to bring me down more than I had brought myself. Just keep strong though because your words help people and make people think! Thats what makes your writing so great!
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