...but with joy, wend your way

Have you ever had one of the months/weeks/ days where everything was going along fine--or at least "normal" -- and then, out of the blue, you feel some horrific type of dread and sadness just grip your heart? And though you do everything in your power that you know how to make it go away or replace it, the feeling hangs on for all its worth for as long as it can?

That's how I've felt for at least the last 5 days. I'm in this dark place and I'm not sure how I got here....nor how to get out. I'm hoping I can just chalk it up to some kind of temporary hormone imbalance, or exhaustion, or over scheduling -- a thing that will pass. More than those causes though, I'm pretty sure it's because "the mark" is looming awfully close. The two year mark.

Two years since the separation that would eventually lead to my divorce. Two years since my safe, peaceful world got turned on its head. I don't want to blame that event anymore nor let it hold any more power over me than it should----but I'm just not sure how to go about getting out of it's brick fist.

It seems that for the longest time I was sustained in a type of bubble--insulated from the full weight of my situation. I spent the majority of the first 16 months of being single feeling like Superwoman. I was full of all kinds of optimism about what my future would hold. I was able to accomplish everything put on my plate and then some. I could live on little to no sleep. I had no fear for my children, and pockets and pockets full of great expectations. Things weren't easy all the time, I still had my struggles ...but they were easy more often than not.

Over the course of the last nearly 8 months, I've slowly felt that bubble dissolving. I feel more confused than ever about what it is my future is supposed to look like. I feel like fewer and fewer opportunities are being presented to me. My days are stretched to the point where I'm certain that if I'm asked to do even one more tiny thing, I'm going to break. I feel constantly exhausted and slightly sick, and forever on the verge of being out of control in some aspect of my life or another. My kids seem to spend more time being grumpy and dissatisfied, and my time with them isn't the quality time it used to be. I go around forever second guessing myself and my ability to make decisions. And sadly, I feel distrustful of others waaaay more than I should.

It's scary. It doesn't feel like "me" anymore.

I knew I would reach a point like this eventually. A point where God would have to back away a little and let me struggle a bit so I could again extend in my reaching toward Him and grow--but I don't feel ready yet. I feel inadequate and weak. Even a little angry at the fact that Brad seems so settled and even happy in his "new life".

Refining hurts. Growth hurts. Being alone hurts. It would appear that God isn't ready to remove me from this situation at this time. In fact, I'm starting to slowly accept that I may never fully be delivered from the chaos and sadness and maze of voids that this divorce has created. But I will not lose hope that there is joy for me still to discover on this journey. Like Paul, I long to feel "...troubled on every side, yet not distressed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed." (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).

I know I am nothing of myself. I am not clever or capable or strong. Only through the help of my Savior am I able to do what I do and be what I am now...and what I hope to become. I know of a surety that, though I am pushed right to the edge, I will not be pushed over it. That I will be given all the peace, patience, inspiration, ability, opportunities, and help that I need to press forward. That the right people will be placed in my life at the right time. And while my hope is centered in the blessings that will certainly await me at the end of my mortal journey, I hope that maybe, just maybe, even in this life I will be delivered.