what if you were given the chance to go back...

I had a dream a few weeks back. It was one of those dreams you have right before you wake up--the ones you seem most aware of.

I dreamed that I was given the choice that, when I woke up, it would be four years earlier. Like, as soon as my eyes opened--everything in my life would revert back to the year 2006. I'm sure my mind settled upon this amount of time being that it was the night before my son's 4th birthday, but it all felt so very, very real.

At first, I was anxious to say "Yes! Put it all back! Restore it!". Then I started to think of all I had experienced in the last *doozie of a four years.* I thought about my mom being sick and dying while I was pregnant. I thought about the stressful sale, move, and remodel we did while having a small baby. I thought about the intense pain of having Rheumatic Fever, and the even more intense pain of losing my marriage. I thought about those dark few months after my separation--trying to find some direction and create a new type of normal for the boys and me--and how, on many of those days, it took all I had just to get out of bed and keep going.

For as much as I wanted to have my "old life" back, I was terrified that if I chose to have those years reversed--I might have to go through all of it again.

Then my mind grabbed hold of all I had to be thankful for right now. It's true my mom was gone. My Brad was gone. I had endured more physical and emotional pain in a short space of time than many people are asked to endure in all their life. But I had my children. My sweet, amazing boys--all happy, healthy, and understanding as they could be. I had an amazing group of friends who loved and supported me, and who saw and believed the best in me. Though I hated the time it took away from my family, I loved being back in school and writing again. I loved stepping out of my shell and trying new things. I loved being reliant upon my Savior to fill that role of protector and nurturer that my husband had once occupied. I so wished I had come upon all these blessings in a different way, but I certainly didn't want to be without them.

And that's when I knew I didn't want to be the one making the choice. I told God "Thanks for the opportunity, but You decide what's best for me. If you want to do your miracle working and make it four years earlier--that would be awesome. I know You are totally capable of it. (Though how about in 'take two' no one dies or leaves? :) ). If You feel it's best for me to be right where I am now, then I'm ready for that, too."

And then I woke up.

And I think you can figure out the rest of the story.

I'm here to stay....by choice.

How about you--If given the chance, would you go back and try and change something in your life?