Don't let the funny title fool you... I was NOT feeling funny today. I felt as if I were dragging the weight of the world around on my shoulders. I don't know why except that it's a frequent, unwelcome feeling that finds regular opportunities to press down on me. Maybe my divorce caused it, though I think it's always been there in some form or another--that necessary sour to make the sweet all the more blessed--but I am certain that it has been intensified over the last two years of being single.
So much responsibility. So much worry. So much fear. So much to do without that one person who is supposed to appreciate it...and help carry it when it gets too heavy.
A sequence of rough days (dragging myself around with a broken foot is not easy and highly frustrating), followed by a series of unpleasant events today led me to this scary place. Some threatening voice was pounding through my head, gaining strength and volume, repeating: "HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU COULD EVER HAVE, BE, OR ATTEMPT SOMETHING GREAT? YOU WERE NOT DESIGNED FOR ANYTHING IN THIS LIFE BUT PAIN AND MEDIOCRITY. GET USED TO IT. YOU CAN NEVER RISE ABOVE IT. YOU WERE MEANT TO BE BROKEN AND STAY BROKEN. NOT HUMBLE--BROKEN."
And scariest of all--I was starting to believe it.....and it wasn't the first time.
My whole life I have prayed only to have safety, security, love, family, peace, my own little slice of heavenly innocence. Those seemed like righteous enough desires. Instead, I have experienced far too much loss, fear, betrayal, loneliness, breaking apart and away. Not always, mind you, I have had a LOT of good years in there--including the 13 years of marriage when I thought I had finally found that safe, happy place. Right now though, there seems to be more bad stuff than good. I'm trying so hard to hang on. So hard to keep counting all my little blessings. And especially not to let what has happened in my past taint what still could be in my future. Some days I do better than others at this. But I never give up.
And God helps me. Like He did today.
Trying to get that nasty voice out of my head, I turned to my mothering--which always gives me a chance to lose myself. I took the boys to look at the pet store, pick out fireworks, and get an ice cream. When we got home, the older boys and I sat down to play a game of Yahtzee. Our first game seemed to match my mood--all bad rolls. But then the second game....something pretty cool happened. About his third turn, E rolled a Yahtzee. Then it was my turn, and I rolled a Yahtzee. Then, Z rolled one. THREE Yahtzees in a row! The dice were passed around again and...ALL THREE OF US ROLLED YAHTZEES AGAIN! I actually inspected the dice thinking they'd been rigged somehow! Seriously, have you ever heard of a game filled with so much luck?!
My heart caught hold of the moment and smiled. I remembered my mom sending me off to college. She gave me a pair of teeny, tiny celluloid dice that her mother had given her. She passed on the same advice she'd been given: "Baby girl, life is kind of like a game. Some times you're going to get good rolls, some times you're going to get bad ones. But you keep rolling, ok?"
It's true. So true. How I miss the blessing of continuing to receive her wisdom, but I'm glad I hung onto that piece. I know sooner or later, if I just keep rolling, I'm going to get that Yahtzee. And maybe even two Yahtzees. Yahtzees for everyone I love!
And as though He were just adding some sprinkles to the already iced cake, God had one more message for me. Found in the fortune cookie I discovered in the pantry: "Keep taking risks. You'll never be sorry you did."
So much responsibility. So much worry. So much fear. So much to do without that one person who is supposed to appreciate it...and help carry it when it gets too heavy.
A sequence of rough days (dragging myself around with a broken foot is not easy and highly frustrating), followed by a series of unpleasant events today led me to this scary place. Some threatening voice was pounding through my head, gaining strength and volume, repeating: "HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU COULD EVER HAVE, BE, OR ATTEMPT SOMETHING GREAT? YOU WERE NOT DESIGNED FOR ANYTHING IN THIS LIFE BUT PAIN AND MEDIOCRITY. GET USED TO IT. YOU CAN NEVER RISE ABOVE IT. YOU WERE MEANT TO BE BROKEN AND STAY BROKEN. NOT HUMBLE--BROKEN."
And scariest of all--I was starting to believe it.....and it wasn't the first time.
My whole life I have prayed only to have safety, security, love, family, peace, my own little slice of heavenly innocence. Those seemed like righteous enough desires. Instead, I have experienced far too much loss, fear, betrayal, loneliness, breaking apart and away. Not always, mind you, I have had a LOT of good years in there--including the 13 years of marriage when I thought I had finally found that safe, happy place. Right now though, there seems to be more bad stuff than good. I'm trying so hard to hang on. So hard to keep counting all my little blessings. And especially not to let what has happened in my past taint what still could be in my future. Some days I do better than others at this. But I never give up.
And God helps me. Like He did today.
Trying to get that nasty voice out of my head, I turned to my mothering--which always gives me a chance to lose myself. I took the boys to look at the pet store, pick out fireworks, and get an ice cream. When we got home, the older boys and I sat down to play a game of Yahtzee. Our first game seemed to match my mood--all bad rolls. But then the second game....something pretty cool happened. About his third turn, E rolled a Yahtzee. Then it was my turn, and I rolled a Yahtzee. Then, Z rolled one. THREE Yahtzees in a row! The dice were passed around again and...ALL THREE OF US ROLLED YAHTZEES AGAIN! I actually inspected the dice thinking they'd been rigged somehow! Seriously, have you ever heard of a game filled with so much luck?!
My heart caught hold of the moment and smiled. I remembered my mom sending me off to college. She gave me a pair of teeny, tiny celluloid dice that her mother had given her. She passed on the same advice she'd been given: "Baby girl, life is kind of like a game. Some times you're going to get good rolls, some times you're going to get bad ones. But you keep rolling, ok?"
It's true. So true. How I miss the blessing of continuing to receive her wisdom, but I'm glad I hung onto that piece. I know sooner or later, if I just keep rolling, I'm going to get that Yahtzee. And maybe even two Yahtzees. Yahtzees for everyone I love!
And as though He were just adding some sprinkles to the already iced cake, God had one more message for me. Found in the fortune cookie I discovered in the pantry: "Keep taking risks. You'll never be sorry you did."
5 comments:
Thanks. I needed this today. Keep on rollin!
Thanks for putting a smile on my face and a little happiness in my days oh so often when I read your blogs. Here's hoping God brings you many more Yahtzee's in the future! Cheers!
Robin Williams took a risk and kept rolling in Jumanji, look what that got him.......a hairy chest! Just sayin... :)
Your mama was a wise wise woman. What a great piece of advice. And I think she was speaking right to you from heaven. Saying, "Remember to keep rolling baby."
I love when Heavenly Father gives us tiny little tender mercies (like rolling Yatzee's) to remind us of his love. Satan is so very good at his job, remember you have many things he'll never have. Sometimes I even talk out loud and tell him this. Sometimes I sing a favorite hymn... Heck, I've even recited the Young Women's theme loudly, I know he doesn't like that- (I'm pretty sure it's changed like 3 times since my Young Women days, but it's there in my memory, and they are powerful words). Keep rollin' baby. ♥ T
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