beaten down

I have eluded to some heavy things I've been carrying, but I haven't wanted to write about them specifically because I really do want to do my best to stay focused on the positives in my life, stay optimistic. But yesterday was just too much for me and I have to get this out there before it eats away at me.

Brad has informed me that he won't be paying me alimony anymore. He says he'll try and get me paid back eventually, but I don't know that that will ever happen. He has moved on and has a new girlfriend-the girl he swore he didn't leave me for-- that needs taking care of now. He has "stuff" he wants to do. I was the person he got down on one knee for 16 years ago, telling me he wanted to spend his whole life and eternity with me, then taking me in an embrace and promising to take care of me forever and ever....which translated to 13 years till he just wasn't that into me anymore. And I promise that's as bitter as you will ever hear me speak of Brad, whom I still care for very, very deeply and want the best for. I am just extremely hurt and confused.

Anyway--with my finances the way they are, I had two more years of money to live off of as of this month. That was going to give me enough time to finish my schooling, do 6 months of interning, and find a job. That would have also gotten my little J old enough to start school so I wouldn't have to be finding daycare for him. Now, with no alimony, that time is cut in half. And to add salt to the wound--my insurance, which I pay through the nose for--has left me with $3800 in uncovered medical bills. Despite repeated appeals and hours on the phones with agents and doctors, they won't budge. So, there goes my Fall tuition money.

In an attempt to thwart that, I applied for Federal Financial Aid. They offered me $3500 in pell grants, which I accepted....and then they changed their mind. I have been jumping through one hoop after another for them for months, tracking down all kinds of documents and writing statements describing my "unique situation" as to why I had money but didn't really have money again and again, trying to get them to give me the grants back. I did pay them $22,000 frigging dollars in taxes this year, after all! But no word yet.

Then I had to call the realtor and find out what it would take to get my house on the market, which of course has absolutely no equity in it anymore and which I might not even break even in to sell.

Then those little worries that are forever being pushed to the outskirts of my brain came trampling in again.... My van is pushing 100,000 miles. My house is old enough that a number of things could break on it any day now. My kids all want things that normal kids want, and they ask for relatively so little that it kills me when I have to tell them no because we've just had to cut our budget by 1/3.

To top that whole "wonderful day" off, I sat down after I got the boys in bed to finish revising the story I'm working on for my writers group, and as I read through the piece, it hit me: I just don't have it in me to write anything really great. I'm talented, but not talented enough to make any kind of a living off writing.

And there it was.

That was the last of my fiery dreams to get dropped in the bucket of water that is reality. My happy marriage is gone. My ability to homeschool is gone. Lurking in the not too distant future is the giving up of being a stay at home mom. Then my home. And finally my hope of using writing as a tool to provide for my family.

And you know what? Surprising-- even to me-- is that I really am ok with all of it. When I think about what I truly want in life, I could achieve it living in a dirt hut without a cent to my name. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt terribly to see all I had desired--good, righteous things--slip away despite my very best effort in every arena to keep them.

I feel about as humbly beat down as I can be. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what earthly person to counsel with--all those who gave me the best advice are dead or can't be bothered with another person's problems right now. No one is coming to save me.

I'm going to figure this out though, some how. I can feel that fire in me--somewhere way down deep. It refuses to go out fully. I am beaten down, yes. Disappointed, severely. But not defeated. Never defeated. So, right now I'm in that moment to moment living again, with even a day feeling like too much to be bitten off. But as soon as I can regroup and figure out where to go next, I'll do it--cheerfully, and with courage and hope and laughter. I don't know how to be any other way. And I don't even want to think about the alternative.