Listen up all of you out there envious of my rockstar lifestyle as a divorcee...
And believe it or not, there are a few people I run into from time to time that look at me as though I've found some sort of secret to happiness by getting divorced. "You look fabulous!" they tell me, "I love your outfit/hair color/new shoes/retainer-straightened teeth." OR "It must be amazing to be back in school, pursing something you love so much." OR "I bet it is so fun to hang out with all the friends you do, having silly parties and trying new things." OR "You seem really, really happy."
OK--yes. All those things are true. But they come with a price.
I do look fairly fabulous, I suppose (though hey! I thought I always looked pretty good). The shoes and clothes and hair and teeth come from the fact that I now have no husband to buy things for so I get to spend all the money on myself. Trust me, it's not as great as it sounds. Think about all the benefits you have in a happy marriage. New shoes, even fabulous ones, only make you happy for a few days. And it's sad that your self-esteem gets torn apart so badly during a divorce that you become a little too caught up in your appearance.
The school thing is amazing. But it's also something I always knew I would do one day--when I got my kids raised. And when I could do it because I truly, truly loved it. Not because I had to or we were all going to be homeless in the next two years.
My single friends are really fun and I am so happy to have them. But, it can be a little like being back in high school sometimes--competing for guys or getting too gossipy. Feelings get hurt. Though we support each other during this time in our lives and provide a great distraction by being a source of **fun and adventure**, I'm sure there isn't one amongst us who wouldn't trade the lives we have now for a good, solid, comfortable marriage. The lonely, quiet times are annoyingly lonely and deafeningly quiet.
And as far as the really, really happy part. I am. But it's a different kind of happy than I was before. I watch old videos of myself, pre-divorce, and there was this simple, naive kind of happy about me. I was in a world I had worked so hard to create where I was loved and loving, where I had my heart in the present and my eye on a shiny future. I thought nothing could ever get in and spoil that peace. The happiness I have now is much more of one I have to choose to find every day. If I don't, the immensity of this weight I carry would eat me up. It's almost a sad type of happy. An "I know how cruel this world can be and how fast everything can come crashing down, but I'm choosing to keep smiling anyway and hope it doesn't happen to you, too" kind of happy.
I don't like that my life, currently, is too much about me. I make it about my boys as much as possible--but I don't ever want them to feel like they can't live their own lives and leave home when they should because they somehow have to keep existing for me. My friends and extended family need me...but only sometimes. The fact is, my husband used to be the major reason I just didn't do what I wanted, when I wanted--and now he's not here anymore. So, I do what I want, when I want. (Kinda.) Eat ice cream and beef jerky for dinner. Sleep in the middle of the bed. Listen to flamenco music really loud. Watch kung fu movies and chick flicks and Project Runway. Leave my makeup and hair stuff out all over the bathroom counter. Take up every inch of closet space.
For now, I have to embrace it. But at the same time try not to get addicted to the whole "me, me, me" (after the kids are cared for, fed, and in bed or otherwise entertained) lifestyle. Because one day, I'd really like to lose a big part of my self in something really great again. Something even greater than my own closet. Something, chances are, YOU already have.
Yeah.
5 comments:
If I had to guess, your well meaning friends are not only speaking the truth (cause I've only known you on this blog since you've gotten divorced and I think you do look great!), but also trying to uplift you by looking on the bright side of your situation. Its okay for YOU to say that you'd rather be married again or divorce in general sucks, but think how you'd feel if one of your friends told you that on the street! Sometimes its really hard knowing what to say when you are on the outside looking in.
Jess,
I'm sure you're right. I appreciate the kind words, too. I just don't want anyone to ever get the wrong idea :)
I understand your post very well. It's hard when so much of your adult life was serving your family. Happily serving a family whom you love is a blessing in and of itself, and when it's gone...it kills a part of you. I know for me, I had to rediscover "me". I was no longer a SAHM, I was no longer a wife....what was I? I've been in school, I've been involving myself with school activities, partly because a part of me always wanted to do stuff like that, but partly because, if I don't....I'll feel like "I'm nothing".
As a single mom, you have to put some time/energy into yourself, and not feel guilty or you'll quickly burn out. If your not socializing with your friends...or new people, the odds of ever finding a special someone drop to about NONE!
Enjoy your "me time". Be who you are. Love your family and friends, and all in God's time, you may find yourself, happily serving in your own home again.
What is so strange about you and I is that you always post exactly what I have been feeling that week or day. Seriously it has happened a at least five times. I definitely hear those things and everything you said I am right there with you walking through it. It is a very different happy isn't it.
I vacillate between loving that I have a whole bed to myself and stretching out diagonally across it- and feeling a little guilty and a lot lonely the bed that is all mine. It's funny to see you write about that right when I'm thinking about my bed. There are things I really enjoy about being single again (like always knowing what food is in the house) and then there are the huge, empty holes where my husband used to be. The trade offs aren't fair or equitable- but you have to get your enjoyment where you can or else life becomes a tragedy. Who wants to star in their own tragedy?
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