a trip in the valentines time machine

me at 18--in Paris

So, last year I had two dates for Valentines Day. And this year I have zero. That, my friends, is how karma balances everything out! :) I mind and I don't, mostly because I realize how much of that is my fault and how much of it is beyond my control, and that I have to just let it go. I'll be spending Valentines Day having Family Night with the boy squad as usual and that's a good place to be. It would just be nice to...I don't know...something with flowers or a surprise or a good, toe-curling kiss. Ah well. At least I can be assured I won't be getting any stupid stuffed animals :). I do know that this point in my life feels much like college again. So much of the future up in the air. So many choices to make. Wondering just how correct I was in thinking that, I pulled out one of my journals from 1994. That year I was almost 19, a freshman at college, had painfully broken off an engagement 5 months before, and was busy simultaneously loving and hating my single life. What's funny is that I mention Brad in this entry--having no idea we'd start to date about 6 weeks after writing it. Anyway, here's a funny little dose of retro teenage Valentine's emo for ya...

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2-14-94

As usual, Teresa (my roommate and best friend) and I dressed in all BLACK for Valentines Day. I had on a black shirt, belt, jeans, socks, and my black Docs. I wanted to wear a big "NO MEN" pin but I thought that might be taking it a bit too far. Teresa gave me a cute card and left a quart of my favorite ice cream in the freezer. There were also valentines and little bags of candy waiting on the kitchen table from my other roomies. Despite my anti-love attitude, Valentines didn't really start off too bad.

When I got back from English, there were several letters waiting for me. Seems like a long time since anyone but my Mom has written. There was one from Joey on his mission, one from Summer--who is dealing with morning sickness, and one from Julie saying she's still sorry I won't be her sister-in-law and hates the new girl that her brother is dating.

I had to go to the health clinic this afternoon. I pulled a muscle in my arm doing reverse sit ups. It's been hurting for over a week now and is starting to make me nauseous. I wondered if I hadn't torn the muscle. The doctor took some x-rays and said it looked inflamed but not damaged. He gave me some strong anti-inflammatory and sent me home.

We (our apartment) hung out with the guys from across the street tonight. Brett's girlfriend sent him a bunch of candy and he shared. Brad took out his guitar and we tried to make up lyrics to songs. However, by 9:30, I was hurting pretty bad again and left to go to bed. Now I'm laying here with a heating pad and a stomach full of medicine feeling like the world's ugliest, fattest, weirdest freak to be spending my Valentines Day like this. If anyone ever tells you you're going to go to college and fall in love--SPIT IN THEIR EYE!

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So, there it is! Now I'm pushing 36 and in a strangely similar situation: mending a broken heart, grateful for good friends to bring a little cheer (some of them the very same friends I mentioned in the entry), still feeling a bit fat and pathetic, and heck!--I might just even wear all black tomorrow for the memory. Now, however, I'm blessed with a little more perspective. I know how quickly things can change in a matter of months or years. While I'm still not a patient person, waiting sits with me much easier now than it did as a young adult. Because good things can be expected just as easily as the worst.

<3Wishing you a day full of love--given and received <3