what i am...and am not

My name is Jennifer Peterson.

I am not:

-My Divorce. Though it often feels like the thing that defines me, I know it isn't. Not really. And I know its possessive hold on my identity will continue to lessen as the years go by. As the children grow. As I continue to find purpose and meaning in my life as a single mother and woman.

-My Body. Especially the seven or so pounds I continue to gain and lose. Or the stretch marks. Or the cellulite. Or the gray hair. I am alive. I am healthy. I can walk and see and hear and taste and bend and lift. I can ride a skateboard. I can hit a homerun. I can run 15 miles at one time. I can beat my kids at Just Dance on the wii. My body is awesome. It is a catalyst to my enjoyment of the world experience. I will take care of it always. But I will also love it even when it doesn't look just like I'd like it to.

-My Children. That's a hard one to say, because I do love to live for those darling, precious, perfect boys of mine.  They are such wonderful little caretakers. They cheer me up with some act of kindness every day. And the laughter...oh! how they make me laugh! I couldn't ask for better children had I been able to hand select them myself. But, as a single woman, I have to be careful that I don't make them feel as though they can't grow up and move on and leave me when the time comes. That I am somehow dependent on them for my happiness. I want them to know that I will be ok on my own. And I'm pretty sure they'll still come back to visit me. A lot. Because I make amazing chocolate chip cookies.

-My home, my clothes, my car: Or any other earthly thing that I possess. I love the style and personal expression I am able to exude through the way I decorate and the outfits I put together. Gaining a real sense of who I am and a confident fearlessness to change it up is a reward I've earned for my 35 years. But I would still be me living in a tent and dressed in a burlap bag. And I am really, really not my mini-van. So, that one doesn't bother me a bit :).

-What other people think I am: And not just the bad stuff, but the good stuff, too. No gray dots or gold stars for me. That's an ongoing attitude for me to work on, and I struggle with it because compliments are just plain *great*, but I know Who's opinion it is that matters most.

I am a lot of things. I am ten thousand moments of quiet listening and learning. I am my mother's daughter, and--though I don't remember much about him--I am told I am very much my father's daughter, too. I am a delightful mixture of laughter, music, poetry, fresh herbs, peonies, hugs, glitter, and nougat. I am a dork...and unafraid to admit it. I am the experience in what I have seen and the innocence in what I have chosen turn my eyes away from. Above all, I am a result of my concious decision to stay close to my God in my times of suffering. And I am all the hope and possibility and peace and inspiration that He can fill me up with.