wanting what you have...and other things that make your hair turn gray

my wonderful friend M and I at the party. And my purple dress.

So Friday night's Volt launch party was amazing--just like I thought it would be. Standing room only. A fabulous reading from the book by Al. Great music. The whole atmosphere buzzing with the feeling of triumph and celebration.

At one point, I looked around and thought, look at me! If anyone would have told me five years ago that I would be standing shoulder to shoulder with incredibly talented student writers who (hopefully) consider me their equal, or that I would be consorting with nationally acclaimed authors, screewriters, and poets, or that I would have a working knowledge of which MFA programs are the best and how to find a literary agent. I would have told them.....I don't want that (!)

Surprised at that response?

Because, really, although I'd always wanted to be a writer eventually, I wouldn't have cared about any of that five years ago. I was at home with my three amazing boys, expecting the fourth. Homeschooling. Decorating and organizing my house. Planning gourmet dinners. Planting flowers. Volunteering at the library. My mom had just passed away,sharpening my focus on all that was most important to me--my faith, my husband, my children. I was busy but I always had enough spare time to just sit and observe and drink in life. I was happy with who and where I was. Really, really happy.

Now--as a teenager, it was a different story. The whole writer scene was EXACTLY what I wanted and what I thought my life would look like. Motherhood and home life seemed dull and 'below' me somehow. I wanted adventure. I wanted fame. I wanted to live in Europe. And yet, when I settled into the roles of wife and mother, when I CHOSE to love them,  when I discovered for myself how immensely challenging and satisfying they were, I couldn't help but nearly burst with gratitude to God for leading me to a life better than one I could have imagined up for myself.

And now God, while allowing me to keep at least a base of my life as a mother and homemaker, is leading me back towards a semblance of that first vision of the future I thought would be so nifty. Life is just funny sometimes. Sharply ironic even.  Maybe this means that now I'll finally get to marry Joe McIntyre from New Kids on the Block? Or get a red Pontiac Fiero with the speakers in the seats? I always wished for those things to be in my future a lot when I was younger, too :)

Honestly, while I would rather just be able to remain a stay at home mom, I must embrace what is before me as well. My kids will always come first. But because they come first, I have to provide for them, and if I am able to do so utilizing a talent I have been blessed with, then it seems very ungrateful not to find the joy in the situation I'm in...and believe I'm in it for a purpose.

So, let's review: First I didn't get what I wanted, then I loved what I didn't think I would, now I'm back to having what I wanted in the first place even though it feels very bittersweet to want it anymore. Yup.


Do I wish I would have gotten divorced and been forced down this path of total independence? Of course not! But I'm powerless to change it. All I can do is make sure I keep the best parts of who I was and find all kinds of new best parts to add to them as I barrell roll through this crazy adventure called life.

May who you are always exceed who you were.

xoxo,
The Future Mrs. Jennifer P McIntyre ;)