four years

Brad left four years ago April 1st. It was supposed to just be for two weeks, so he could "sort things out" and "reconnect spiritually," but even as we circled the date of April 15th on  the little calendar Z and E kept pinned on their bulletin board so they would know when to look for him to come home (he'd never left us for more than a few days at a time), I knew in my heart of hearts he wasn't going to come back. Ever.

Though, like Fred Armisen's old Saturday Night Live character, Fericimo, I did hope at some point he would  and say, "I'm just keee-ding!," throw his arms in the air with a smile, and we'd both have a good laugh over the extent he took his 'joke' to.

But, no changing the past, only trying to make some sense of it as I move into the future.

I'm really proud of what I have accomplished in this last four years. I pulled out of the near-constant but functioning depression that hung around me for the first five months with a little counseling and no medication. I went back to school and graduated with honors. I took all 4 of my boys on a plane by myself to go to Disneyland. I stepped out of my comfort zone and found a new group of friends to support and be supported by in my trials and successes. I fulfilled my dream of getting to write for a living. I'm still working waaaaay more hours than I'd like, but I'm providing-even enough to do a few fun family things. I've been divinely given the strength, patience, spirituality, wisdom, and ability to raise four boys on my own--doing all the housework, yard work, finances, homework, laundry, errands, driving, planning, and everything else that is designed to be handled by two...on my own. On very little sleep. 

I have got to date some really incredible men, even if none of them have quite been "the one" yet--learning something new about myself and the world from each:

~From Haute Cakes, I learned how to just buck up, let problems roll off my back, have fun, and keep looking to the future with optimism, letting go of those things I can't control. And that I love California.

~From Green Eyes, I learned that it's worth chasing a dream you thought may  have gotten away from you in your youth.

~From Ninja, I learned that laughter can bond two people and soften hard times, and that it's ok to look foolish trying new things. Also, that thoughtful gifts, no matter how small, mean so much.

~From Dr. Yummy, I learned that I can be in a relationship without fear again, that I can trust and overlook flaws, what "right" feels like.

There have been others I've dated briefly along the way who have also taught me in various ways, friends--male and female--I'm ever so grateful for. I've watched several of my dearest friends get engaged or married and though (humanly) felt a tinge of  when will it be my turn?, also felt genuinely elated for them.


And now--life feels normal like this. Being single. Though I never thought I'd still be here four years later. I thought maybe I'd have to 'endure' single-ness for a year, two at the most. But, once I crossed that *year three* line, I thought,  This could be it...either you keep thinking of it as enduring, or you start treating it like living.

And so live I did. And do.

I adore being a mother. My boys are my greatest blessings and biggest helpers. I adore the deep relationship I enjoy with God, who has become my best friend and confidant. I adore my work and the incredible opportunities I see in my future. I adore serving and learning and growing in my talents. I adore the laughter that flows so freely.

And although it is pretty cool to do things my way, in my time frame, I long for the emotional, mental, spiritual, and maybe even financial stability that only a happy marriage can provide. Still, how blessed I am to have found a comfortable place to wait. I know all blessings will be mine in this life or the next.

And Brad, married over a year now, with a baby---I don't doubt he still hurts and/or regrets what he did at some level. I see it manifest as occasional anger towards me, which he never once exhibited when we were married. His challenges have not been the same as mine, but I don't doubt he's had them. It's hard to feel sorry for him since so much of the difficulties he's faced or is facing are a result of the choices he made to leave his marriage and family and try something different, but I hold no malice toward him. No love anymore either, not in the hold-out-hope type way. Just grateful that I had with him what I did for 13 years, and what that marriage produced in the way of our children, what I learned, and who I am now. I honestly wish him the best and trust that, one day, he will feel exactly what I felt in the way I felt it. It's the only "justice" I ask of my Heavenly Father for him. 

 I was a good wife. I know I will be a good wife again one day, to someone else. I know emotional wounds will never go away, but will continue to soften as they are given perspective and time.

Year Four. Yeah. You done good, Jennifer. You done good.

**If you're interested, here's how far I've come in my journey (some are based on the date he left, April 1, and some on the date our divorce was final in August).

Year One
Year Two
Year Three