just when you think...

Here is something I hate to admit:

A year ago, I had to go on government food assistance--otherwise known as food stamps. I hated, hated, hated it. I even blogged about hating it (in a post I can't seem to locate at this late hour).

It was humiliating but--I didn't see much of an option. I needed the assistance, especially after the government took $25,000 of the savings I was living off of in taxes (almost a year's income for me). I had just graduated from the university and started my internship/job at starting wages. These types of programs were made to help people in my situation until they could do for themselves, I believed.

They started me off at $750 a month. I hardly knew what to do with it all! That was $200 more than I had ever budgeted for groceries. I used the extra to build up our food storage. We ate a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables which always seemed previously out of our reach. I even bought some groceries for the boys to take to Brad's house.  It was such a blessing to have one less thing to worry about.

Four months ago, with me working steadily, they lowered my amount to $450. That was actually a relief--an indication I was moving in the right direction. I was now spending about $150 of my own money on food and household stuff, which was hard but do-able. Maybe an eventual raise, maybe extra writing work, something,something would come along to boost my income a bit more. Just a little bit longer...

Then, today, I got the letter.

They are "cutting me off."

I make exactly $120 too much to qualify anymore.

So, let me get this: Because I make $120 too much, they are going to take $450 worth of food away from me? Not lower my amount by $120 but take it away entirely?! What part of that makes sense?

As I've said before, there is a continuous $500 gap between what I currently make and what my monthly expenses are. Blessedly, every month for the last six months, I've managed to work enough odd jobs to make up the difference.

But now, I have to make up that $500 gap PLUS another $450?!?!

With me going back to school full time? And the possibility of my child support being reduced forever hanging over my head?

What the heck?!

I suppose this is why I've never been a huge fan of government programs to begin with. They reward not working. Here I am, a woman who has avoided unnecessary debt (no credit cards, no car loan, adhere to a strict cash only budget); I'm working steadily; continuing in my education so that I can advance in my career....and "they" would rather push me into debt (and worry) to make sure my family is fed? We do NOT live an extravagant lifestyle in any manner. I drive an 11 year old van. I live in a modest 1800 square foot older home. I do almost all the repairs around here myself. I garden and grow my own herbs. I shop vintage thrift stores and clearance racks. Most of my kids' socks and jeans and shoes have holes in them. I buy make up at the dollar store or get samples from Sephora. I color my hair myself. I would rather bake and cook than eat out.

We are happy, mind you. Income doesn't have to dictate how much joy you have in life--but money is a necessary evil. The boy squad and I have sufficient for our needs and a few of our wants--but no more. And now what?

Just when I thought I might be beyond the point of just getting up but actually moving forward...I get knocked down again.

I know my church won't let the boys and I go hungry. We'll figure something out. But, I could use all the prayers/good vibes you can muster sent my way. I'm a proud woman, and it was hard enough for me to go on the program in the first place. I still need it. But I refuse to be one of those people who does less so she can get more.

Going to figure it out. Yup. And in the mean time, maybe lose some weight, eh? ;)