So....this is SO not the post I was planning on doing tonight. I wanted to show you pictures of my new barstools and my new shower curtain--easy stuff--and instead I'm sitting here, somewhere between bliss and misery, and needing to write through it all.
It's been nearly a year since my divorce was finalized, and 16 months since we separated. I hardly recognize myself anymore. In some ways that's a good thing. I'm stronger. I'm more confident. I remembered how fun and funny I was. I ride a long board and shoot guns and wear Star Trek shirts. I really do love my life as it is. But, it's still so stinking....unsettled. I don't think I've ever spent this long inching through the dark before. I know that light is at the end....I can feel it....but I still hope I'm going the right way to come out on the bright side.
The main thing is I had tricked myself into thinking things were starting to take on some form of normality again. I could see my future to an extent--who was in it, where I was, what I would be doing. And then....then.....well, it's like when I take a 1/2 hour cleaning up the boys' toys at night. I organize them all into these plastic containers because my kids claim to like things really clean. Then, I go to unload the dishwasher and sweep the floor---and I come back to the playroom, and things are spilled all over again. And I want to go "aaaaaugh! Why did I go through all of that?!?! Why can't you just keep stuff where it's supposed to go?!"
I'm kind of spilled right now. And I want to just stay cleaned up for a while.
All that organizing and planning I did is increasingly gray and fading. God seems to have other things in mind for me....only, as usual, He doesn't seem to want to tell me outright what they are. People I love are sick and dying. My kids, bless their sweet hearts, are quickly figuring out how to exploit all my weaknesses. Distance is becoming too hard. I'm questioning my abilities way more than I should. I feel loved by hundreds of people.... and no one at all.... at the same time.
I guess what I'm hanging onto is a feeling that as goofy as I feel right now, as disconnected, and unsettled, and yes--spilt, that there are some pretty cool things in store for me still. I may not be doing everything I need to right now to find them, but I know I somehow "qualify" for them because of what I've cheerfully endured. And that each time I get spilled, there is a chance to purge out the junk and what isn't needed and only put the good stuff away.
Does that make any sense?
...Because I'm known to ramble....in case you haven't noticed.
And that's all I'm going to say about that.
Any advice? Any stories? I'm up for it all.
the boy squad
this is me
- Jennifer P.
- I am happiest when I can make someone laugh or cry...or laugh till they cry. I am mother to my amazing blended family of six, recently transplanted to a California surfer city. I am a fashionista. I am an interior designer. A poet. A pirate. A homeschooler. A writer. I'm a lover, not a fighter (though don't pick a fight with me because I'll kick your trash.) I live in a crazy house with my Emmy-nominated husband, a ukulele, and a seven foot tall bigfoot. I never go a day without acknowledging God. And I make the best chocolate frosting in the world.
everybody play nice now
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23 comments:
Jennifer, A few years ago I was inspired to keep a gratitude journal. Just a little notebook that I kept by my bed that I'd write a little something in every night that I was grateful for. Like: "watched my daughter's eyes have pure joy while she swung at the park on a swing today"... It helped me through a trying and uncertain time when things got a pick yucky with a family member... It seemed to make sunshine in my days and help me look for little things throughout the day too. I think it's time for me to start another one; sigh, I found out last week my mom has cancer; sad and scary times as you know. As I've read and gotten to know you a few things that make me sad are 1) You've lost your mom and dad 2) What happened with your marriage... And yet, from what I can see you are a super star in all you do, you continue to shine in your boys life, neighborhood, and you have the ability to reach out to all of your readers. Keep shining. xxoo
I remember this season well. Praying for your heart!
You have such testimony for women enduring the same "adventures."
Blessings on your day!!
Kim
I have no words of advice, but I know that God is in control. Even when it doesn't seem like it, He is.
You do "qualify," but not just because you've cheerfully endured. It's because God desires the BEST for you...and longs to give you His best. Daily.
And you already know this...I'm just reminding you, and sending a virtual hug, too.
As I'm sure you are already, stay close to those who are close to God. The sweetness of Christian community in hard times is a true gift. Hold onto the gift and allow others to 'inch through the dark' with you. God is indeed holding your hand leading you all the way. Bless you sister.
I'm sorry that things are so rough right now. I just admire and adore you so much. I don't really have any stories for you, I went to EFY with my girls two nights ago and one of the speakers mentioned a quote from one of the prophets, I can't remember which, but the quote went something like "We do not overstate the point when we state that the scriptures can be a personal Urim and thumim" (that's not verbatim) and then he said that that we can use the scriptures to help[ us understand our past, present, and future, and use them to help us chart our course. I'm sure you're already reading, but that quote brought a lot of comfort to me, and I wanted to share it. Hope it helps. We all love you!
I feel like you are the queen of saying everything & nothing in the same breath...Like you can spill your heart and keep your secrets at the same time. It's a talent...and it keeps people curious! (:
I love you and am proud of the ways you have handled yourself and this {more than} tough situation. You inspire me. Let me know if you need anything.
My divorce took 1 day less than 2 years from the time my ex left. As a result, I had a *long* time to get used to the idea before it finalized, and even with that, there was still a lot of pain and bitterness for the next couple of years after that.
You're now up to 16 months, so (from my perspective anyway) you're still fairly early in the process. Right about where (as I recall it) it really hits you that life will never be the same again.
I know, I know -- it doesn't really help to hear that what you're going through is normal, but on the other hand, it does mean you've got lots of support out there too.
And of course, ye olde cliche: This too shall pass, though it really sucks until it does.
Okay, I may have added on that last bit. . . . .
Remember Grace. That you don't have to endure. Or have had trials and tribulations in order to be loved by God. Or to receive the blessings of God.
And keep thinking about the hundreds that love you :-)
It makes total sense. Just hold on and enjoy the ride. Sometimes when you think you have it all organized and somebody comes through spilling every possible container and mixing things up....sometimes you end up RE-organizing in a way you never would have thought of before that last spill.
Just try not to step on anything sharp.
Having gone through an extremely trying time myself (within the last week), I must admit that as hard as it was (and still is at times) the reality is God is at the helm, it all works out in the end and we just have to trust Him.
Even though we think, "WE know better than He" regarding what is best for us - of course we don't have the full picture in mind and He does.
Patience. To some it is a Gift of the Spirit and to others it is a Fruit that we simply have to learn (or is it earn?).
Thinking of you and hope things settle down soon.
you're a ROCK in my book---even if you feel more squishy than solid and stable....you must be b/c you are going through this trial and i'm not sure that i would be able to go through it with the same overall outlook of happiness (notice i didn't say "constant" b/c i'm pretty sure that it isn't constant and it has its ups and downs) on the world and what the Lord is handing to you at this time. I like how you said "endured with happiness" b/c really, isn't that all the Lord asks of us? not to endure it perfectly, just to endure with a good attitiude....i needed that reminder, so thanks!
and hopefully, sometime soon, you'll find some lasting "right there" love from someone -- not just all of us hundreds that love you through the net. :)
I know how you feel. Sometimes, it's just like treading water. But, if you keep doing the things that you are supposed to do, you will be who you are supposed to be.
I really love Lula's comment. Sending you a huge "settling" hug b/c I know what you mean about feeling loved by 100's but not by many, and wanting to know exactly what is in store. I've felt that lonliness before, and things were going well.......so it's hard to put your finger on.
My dad always used to say, "If you fail to plan you plan to fail." As much as I buy into it (and it helps my life that I do plan a lot), I have to temper it with Lennon's quote, "Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans."
God has a plan and we aren't privy to the details, so we are left with his little gift of "free will" to make our life what we will. As our lives unfold before us, we need to be able to roll with the puches even if it is a knock out punch, and Curl Girl, we each have had a knock out punch. But we gotta get up, assess the situation, make a plan and go for it all over again.
I commend you that you have had the courage to put your heart out there again, and that lucky guy in California should be gentle with the tender thing he holds in his hand.
As for me, it has been ten years and the daily reminder that I have lost my kids through my own choices keeps me from moving on to greener pastures from this darkness that engulfs me. I am not sure wether it is fear of losing myself again or frustration with women in general for my situation (which is my fault go figure that one out) or just low self-esteem/confidence that I can win over a love interest, but I have not put my heart back out there and i have only myself to blame.
Now for those toys, make the boys pick them up....even if you have to tower over them while they do it. Personal responsibility is something you have to train them to have from an early age. They dumped the box out, the pick the box up, and no desert or tv until it is done.
Do you read the Nie Nie blog? She had an amazing quote that reminds me of you. Right now.
"There is in every true womens heart a spark of heavenly fire which lies dormant in the broad day light of prosperity but which kidles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity."
Washington Irving
Filling spilled is so awkward, but mostly just not part of your plan! If you could se His plan you would shake to your very core. Hang around because you are already beaming and blazing.
Well, I think you are an awesome person--what I saw pre-D and now see post-D--no matter what you do. I say ramble on whenever you want to. Of course, there is a never-ending amount of spilling in this neck of the woods, whether I like it or not. I guess we just keep picking them all up and know that one day we'll look back and realize there was SOMETHING during that phase of life that we'll miss.
My friend went to the coast for a couple of weeks this summer and each night she said she watched the sunset from the deck of the beach house (I know, jealous). She said that what impressed her the most about the sunsets was that the ones that had the clouds. Clear skies don't reflect the sun's light. Easy lives don't refelect our Savior's light in us. There is always hope. These moments make us more like Him.
As if you don't have enough people giving advice and commenting...
I find myself sometimes not planning anything in the future for fear of not being able to get to that point and being able to accomplish any of my "plan". I know full well what it feels like to be "split"- it might be in different areas of our lives but I know how you feel to live in limbo- yet know that there IS something out there left to do and be done and to truly look forward too. I wish I could help you out- but know that you are wonderful and that life is just that- living one day at a time- getting to a point where we can be somewhat content with things as they are....
Jennifer - A friend once told me that I would wake up after my divorce and realize at some point that my good days were outweighing my bad. Just count your blessings for the good times. Believe it or not, you are making it as a single mom and doing one heck of a job at it. I've been where you are - 7 years ago and I just got married last month. There is light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes the light just gets a little blurry. You're a great Mom and a wonderful person-that's all that matters!
Jennifer, I feel so privileged to have read these words. You have such a beautiful way of pouring out your heart. The imagery of us being spilled, only to be filled back up with only the good stuff will stick with me for a while. As I go about my day, I will be praying that those empty spaces in your heart are filled up with God's blessings.
We are two people that don't know each other, living in different spaces, but experiencing the same thing. My divorce was final almost 2 years ago. At times it seems like yesterday and other times it seems like a forever ago.
I totally relate to your statement that you "feel loved by hundreds of people...and no one at all...at the same time" It's strange, I feel happy and content with who I am and what I've become over this journey of mine, but other times I just feel soooo lost.
Hi. Here is a quote that I've been hanging onto as far as the whole, inching through the darkenss goes. "When you come to the edge of all the light you know
and are about to step into the darkness of the unknown,
FAITH is knowing that one of two things will happen.
There will be something solid to stand on...
or you will be taught how to fly."
Barbara J. Winter
please see my post about it:http://imnotgivinguponyou.blogspot.com/2009/07/quoth-raven-tuesday_21.html
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