They brought in liquid charcoal for me to drink. My eyes swam back into focus long enough to see the cup of black sludge they were pressing to my lips. I will never, ever forget what that stuff looked and smelled like. I clamped my mouth closed. The man who was trying to get me to drink it yelled "You drink this or else! Listen to your heart rate--that's not good! You have to get the stuff out of your system or we're going to have to pump your stomach!" Then Brad's voice, "Come on Jennifer. You can do it". I drank. I nearly threw up. I drank some more. And nearly threw up again. I just kept drinking until I reached the bottom. Brad called me a "good girl". Then I felt him wiping my face and teeth with a wet washcloth. They were stained black. He worked at it for a long time. I remember being grateful to him for caring what I looked like.
An hour or so later, everything began to sharpen up again. The wooshing stopped. I could hear and see. I realized the woman's voice--that incessant, ceaseless voice--belonged to the hospital psychiatrist. I was finally able to explain to her what happened in terms that didn't end in jibberish. I sat up. I looked at her. At Brad. At the blips that were my heartbeat on the screen. I was awake but I was still in the same nightmare. "I really, really didn't want to die" I said, "I promise. I love my life. I...I just need some sleep."
The doctor came in. "I don't like what her heart is doing", speaking more to Brad than to me, "I'd like to admit her for the night". Brad looked like--I don't know--some look I hadn't seen on him before.
"I have to go to work tomorrow" he replied, "we don't have anyone to watch the kids." He wouldn't look at me.
I can't really describe what passed over me at that moment, but it was a type of thick, sickening knowledge that THIS was who my husband really was. That, for I don't know how long, his love for me had been, at best, some kind of duty-- at worst, some kind of complicated lie. There he was being told my life was in jeapordy...and he didn't care. He really, really didn't love me anymore. No matter what I did or how I hard I tried or what I offered--I wasn't going to be able to change that.
My thoughts flashed to my children. They were already confused enough--even scared. They needed me. I didn't know what would happen to them or to us without Brad around, but I knew my life had been spared, and that I was now going to have to live the most of every second of it in thanks and in glory to the God that had set me back on my feet.
"It's ok" I told the doctor "We can go. I'll be ok. I promise to come back if I feel like anything else really bad is happening."
The doctor looked angry. He shook his head and went to retrieve a form stating that we were leaving against medical advice. "I'm not happy about this" he added as I signed my name to the line, "your insurance company isn't going to be too happy either."
With that, we left. I don't remember if we said anything on the way home. The last thing I remember before going to bed was looking at myself in the mirror. My lips and teeth were still splotched with black from the charcoal. I prayed again, part in gratitude, part in pleading that I would wake up the next morning. I slept for a few hours. When my eyes opened, sunlight was spilling in through the window. Brad was gone to work. I could hear the kids watching Arthur on TV in the family room. I showered--scrubbing at the sticky spots where the heart moniters had been. I brushed my teeth and mouth for 10 minutes straight spitting out what seemed an endless stream of black. I put on a white, button-up shirt, pulled my hair back, and came out smiling.
I haven't stopped since.
That's how I've lived every day now for the past 18 months. I wake up in the morning. I pull myself together--no matter what I might have been through the day before or what is being asked of me on that particular day--I treat it all as a new start. My life is a gift. My life has a plan. My life has a purpose. My faith and my children are my everything and I really and truly love living--some days more than others, but I have never and will never again gamble with my mortality.
Judge me how you will. But that's my story. I have lived it.
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33 comments:
Man, I always stop by here at the right time.
Moved, touched, and now off to read backwards.
Watching you on this journey has been nothing short of incredible and inspirational.
xoxo
T
Wow, you really do have everything happen to you. I think you're an admirable woman--tougher than I ever could be in even a less stressful situation.
I'm a little disappointed you only gave Brad ONE black eye. ;)
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
God is doing amazing things in you.
It has been forever since I've been by here.....I've missed alot!
Glad you have come out on the other side.
I have question. Why have you decided to share more details at this point? Time? Healing?
Lisa Q
I don't judge you. I think you are stronger than you know, even now. I am impressed with your honesty and your choice to make your life the best possible life.
featherhen
Judgement? are you kidding? No sister...just love.
What a story. What an awakening.....to who you were really dealing with.
What a model for each of us. I love that you put on a white, BUTTON UP shirt! That in itself is something we could each learn from :) Beautiful story written and lived by a beautiful woman.
Way to come what may and love it.
No judgment here, sister. I am going through something right now that feels so oppressive to me--like a heavy weight on my chest that never, ever goes away. I can understand the overwhelming need for sleep and REST. But even in the great desire to run away from the pain, I look at my kids and feel so grateful. No matter what, I've got them, and they are my greatest blessing. The other things just don't matter that much.
Thank you for sharing that with us. FOr trusting us with that information. You are a beauifiul woman.
i'm with aubrey---perhaps he deserved more than just one black eye :)
~where would the judgement come from dear friend? you've been an rock through this whole thing (and not w/out help...if you know what i mean) even when you felt more watery than solid....such an example and even more so since sharing it with all of us.
thanks
I'm judging you in a good kind of way.
Thanks for sharing!
I want you to know that I think you are an amazing person and I have so much respect for you. You are an incredible example in the midst of your pain! Thank you for sharing your journey with so much honesty. I can truly say you have had a direct hand in the changes I am making in my life.
Thank you!
Elder Eyring said, "The Lord doesn't put us through this test just to give us a test: He does it because the process will change us." You have proven that with your faith and strength and your beautiful smile:)
I can't even imagine the emotional devastation of such a betrayal.
I couldn't have done it. I know I would have fallen apart completely. And yet, I understand what gave you the strength. My love for my sons is powerful stuff. If it could get you through such a moment and so many since, the surely mine can help me to do better at enjoying the life I have.
I hope writing these things is helping you. I have begun to write some of the really tough memories from losing my fourth son -- not enough guts to put them on the blog so far, but maybe I should. Your stories have inspired me so much. Mostly because they are REAL!
Thank you. Blessings on you and your boys.
No judgement passing here my friend. These are things we didn't wish or ask for.
Thank you for sharing.
No judgment from me! I think you are an awesome woman and mom, and it sounds like you were a darn good wife, too, but that's not in your control anymore.
And be glad you did not have your stomach pumped. I've had mine pumped several times due to an intestinal blockage and it sucks!
I think you're amazing.
Just wanted to say I enjoy your post and I think you are amazing! Your kids are lucky to have you and well... Brad's loss.
Sometimes, it takes rock bottom to provide clarity to what is important. I am glad that you lived to tell the story.
Thank you for sharing that story, Jennifer.
Oh my goodness, who I am to judge you? You have been through so much and the pain of a family shattered through divorce is never easy. My first marriage ended in divorce after I discovered my husband was cheating on me with a girl I knew from high school. It was heartbreaking, but so necessary. From your story I sense that you feel the same way. I am glad you've found love again...hopefully this time the love you have to give will be returned in the way it should. God bless you and your boys.
Wow! This story just goes to show you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Sometimes it's easy to think that everyone elses life is so perfect... Thanks for your pure honesty and vulnerabilty, your story is inspiring!
I'm so glad you chose life, this world wouldn't be the same without your stories.
Oh and thanks for all the reassurance for having more boys. I hope I can always persevere for my family like you have for yours. Much love, kati
That was raw, connective, emotional, inspiring. You have come such a long way. Have you read 'Spiritual Lightening' by M. Catherine Thomas yet?
Hi- I came across your blog a few months ago. I don't have a blog because I think I am too busy to figure it out. Anyway, that is another story. I happened upon your blog the same time my parents were seperated. I made my mom go through and read all your posts for the last year. She is older and does not have kids at home but the stories are pretty much the same. Especially this last one. She did the exact same thing. She was tired. I remember going to the emergency room and seeing her. The charcoal actually sprayed all over the room. She looked so helpless. My dad who had found her in there bed was so distant. He just wanted to go home. My mom didn't wake up till the next day. And instead of being grateful she was alive she looked at me and my sister angry that we didn't let her die. She just kept begging my dad, his attitude towards her changed my relationship with him forever. It was so cold and heartless. He had put her through so much over the last 30 years that it had beat her down. Almost one year later she is doing wonderful. Though she has her days she is accomplishing so much. I am so grateful to you for your inspiration. -- And thank you for keeping your blog open so I can stalk it :) I came across it by chance and your words have helped in so many ways.
Hey you....Mrs. Charcoal stained teeth and lips you (well....charcoal stained for a day at least)!
What the heck!!!!!! Helllo!!!!!I've been gone soooooooooooo long, and MAN, have you been writing!
I'm soo sad....for you.......and so ODDLY CURIOUS that I'm ashamed almost at myself! It's like getting to hear the goods without any work having to be done to "draw it out" (like I'm the person who draws things out of people....sheesh... What I mean is that it normally takes a while to build trust up enough for people to want to tell you stories like this).
I know.....welcome grammar errors. Ah well, 'tis me.
Anyway, Jennifer, Jennifer! I have left bloggy world for so long. Elena has been keeping me updated, but this time, she wouldn't give me the goods and I knew I would have to come and read it myself. Oh man.......have I been missing out! So many stories!
I think I have a love/hate relationship all of a sudden, with blogging. It used to be just (okay...I'm burnt out with blogging....can't go back....) Now, I think it's back to hate (which hate is a form of relationship, whether you want to admit it or not). I hate the time it involves, but I love the stories. I hate posting and thinking about what I'm going to post, because not everything in life is post worthy! But still, there's something about telling your story to an audience that's theraputic....isn't there?
Love/Hate/Love/Hate....
I think I'll still have to stay away for a while. I'm such a cave dweller.....
I
Love
My
Cave.
I will bonk anyone in the head who tries to come in, with my big.fat.wooden.club. I dunno why? Antisocial to the nth degree.
ENOUGH ABOUT ME!!!!
I came to check in with you...and what do I say? Oh....(nervous laugh) hi there Jennifer....long time no see....chuckle...nervous chuckle. I sounded like your best friend for a while and then dropped off the face of the planet!
Anyway, just wanted to see your stories, and I can't help but make comments.........long ones. It wouldn't be me without those I guess.
These stories are so well put, and so well said, and as always, so bravely admitted. It takes such a strong person to openly talk about our darkest hours.
Is it bad that I secretly gleaned at the fact that you might have given Brad a black eye? Is that bad? I say "glean" without really knowing the meaning. Saying "smiled" saounded just a bit too harsh.....
Anyway, I'm so happy right now. I've been working so hard at enjoying my stay-at-home mommy days. Remember how you, Emily, and Elena all were extraordinary examples to me?
"What? Girls actually ENJOY this stuff?"
It's taken me a while, and I still don't enjoy cooking, but I actually now look forward to waking up and going about my mommy day. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
Man......progress is sooooo slow. Even so, my family I grew up with would probably not even recognize me today I've come so far. I can't wait for more journeying, and more progress.
Anyway, I still look up to you as always. Thank you for sharing. I will keep those thoughts tucked away in my memory files for a life time, and the lessons learned are a sober reminder of what things in life are truly important, and what things aren't. Thanks so much Jennifer.
Now take your charcoaled for a day teeth and spit a black eye at that day! Ptt......
And every other day that deserves it. Lessons were learned, but they weren't fun!
You and Brad were both at a crossroads that night, and it's pretty clear the direction each of you took. I hope your path will be filled with love and blessings.
I just discovered your blog -- and how ironic that I discovered you as you're discussing this. My situation was a little different ( my mom was dying and I was just a kid, 16 maybe?) I had my stomach pumped instead. I didn't mean to die either -- but man, I was sooo -- not happy about things!
I'm also the non-drama girl. :)
No judgement here -- just a huge hug through blogland.
Jennifer, no judging from me. I think you're incredible, amazing and so brave. You certainly didn't deserve this, but you're wise enough not to be a victim and only become a great example for your boys.
Now Brad.....still a piss ant.
I do have to hand it to him that he's at least living his truth now.....but shame on him, which I'm sure he's also living with....lots of shame. Karma
Thank you for sharing, Jennifer. While retelling this story couldn't be easy, hopefully God will use your story to help others who were in the position you were in.
And isn't life a precious, precious gift.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you ever had to go through all of this. But I'm so in love with you for pulling through it and becoming an even stronger woman for it. God has big plans for you. Yes, He does.
Have I told you lately how awesome you are??? You are!
Thank you for sharing your story. I love how you live and write your life with such humility, honesty and even humor. You've made me laugh and ponder. Thank you for peeling away your layers and letting us experience your life on a deeper level.
You are amazing woman.....So strong and thanks for sharing!!
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