You'll have to forgive me another sour-type post here. I feel like I am on the verge of.....I don't know, something.....and if I just keep putting words to those things which pull me out of bed at night, I might end up with the answer somehow.
Nineteen months ago, when I learned of all the truly horrible things Brad had done, my mind went into shut down mode. I've previously described it as watching him be murdered before my eyes, and that's still what it feels like as I reflect back on it. What I experienced during that time was very akin to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My whole body--inside and out-- shook for hours at a time and couldn't stop. In an instant, it felt like I ceased caring about everyone and everything in the world. I had horrible headaches. I was unable to eat more than one small meal a day for at least a month. I couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a stretch--in fact I read through eight books in four weeks because I slept with a pile of them by my bed and, as soon as my eyes would flutter open, I would immediately start reading before my brain had a chance to take hold of the thought that had woken it.
I remember the first time it felt like I might be able to feel, really feel,about things (besides my boys) again. It was probably three or four months after the separation. I was watching TV and the commercial where the boy feeds his high-cholesterol dad a bowl of Cheerios came on. I felt a tear come out of my eye, and all at once started crying and laughing and literally jumping up and down. It felt so good to think I could actually CARE about sappy commercials and the like again!
Well, earlier yesterday evening, I got an email from Brad. I could be really terrible and go into specifics about what was said--but if I wanted to make this about a personal vendetta against him, I would have been publishing his emails all along. It's not about throwing him under the bus, but about attempting to give a voice to the lasting effects his decisions continue to have on my boys and me.
After reading the said email, all the PTSD symptoms started to come back. A raging headache, shaking, not being able to sleep (because of the headache and shaking). It felt like he took and grated steel wool across a scab that has never quite healed. Truly the last nail in the coffin of complete humiliation he threw me in.
Anyone who has read this blog for any amount of time will know that I not only loved my husband, but continue to love him. I pray for him. I mourn for him. And, sadly--foolishly even--there is/was still a deep down part of me that kept thinking "maybe, maybe, one day he'll find his way out and come back to those people who love him the very most". I couldn't imagine any happy ending for myself or my boys that didn't include some type of miraculous mending back of our family. Can I now?
I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't know what to do.
For as well as I think I am. For as much as I DO love being alive and finding joy in the every day. For as much as I feel, from time to time, that maybe I can move ahead-- there is still something quite dead inside of me. A persistent fear. A 'trust button' that just might be broken beyond repair. I loved that man as much as it is humanly possible for one person to love another. He was so good and kind and caring to me. We laughed together and cried together and lived our lives together. I bore him four sons. I still cannot wrap my mind around why on earth he would ever want to do what he did to me, or how he managed to hide it all from me for all those years. What could I have done different? What could I have changed? How could I have done any better than my best?
And now for the questions I have to ask myself tonight:
How do I get over this heart-gripping fear? Can some kind of happy normalcy exist in the same place as this brokeness? I'm waiting for the answers. And again, remind you---if there's even the tiniest spark of hope alive for saving your marriage: breathe on it--breathe like you will freeze to death unless you get that fire going again...because you just might.
I wish this on no one.
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29 comments:
Oh goodness, hon... I guess its different for everyone. While some women rebound with super hero strength, others never repair from the hurt. I'm not sure if its true that "time heals all wounds". We can hope, right?
(hug). Does it help that I kinda want to go beat him up? Despite not knowing you IRL or being a violent person myself.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I guess this is a huge part of any divorce...trying to get past the idea that someone else will do the same things Brad did to you. I would have major trust issues as well, and I don't blame you for feeling stuck.
Have you been in any counseling? Our church provides a divorce care group that helps people work through those issues. Check around and see what's offered...you might be surprised.
Your writing these things provide some sort of ...comfort is the wrong word, but maybe just the knowledge that someone else has gone through/is going through similar experiences and self questioning makes the isolation feel like its a little bit less?
I've experienced the shaking and the decrease in the ability to trust. I haven't been able to find a real answer yet, except to keep plugging along, trying my best to let in rational thought to keep my trust issues at bay when dealing with other people.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish there was something we could do to help. I can't even imagine. But please know that we love you to pieces and we wish only the best for you, because you are a WONDERFUL, bright, and beautiful woman.
I agree with the other commenters--I can't imagine the pain and I pray you will be able to compeltely heal someday.
You are an amazing woman--you have stood through so much and have not let bitterness take root in your heart. You still love your guys and have kept a good perspective overall, even when those moments come where you can't help but focus on the sad details... but in the long run you do have a foundation that is strong and an underlying optimism that is unbelievable.
You are amazing and you can make it. Praying this new wave of hurt passes quickly...
<3 Tori
So sorry you continue to have so much pain. I can't begin to understand, but could imagine that I too would struggle to overcome such betrayal.
Hang in there girl, we love you.
Lisa Q
wow jennifer. i'm not sure that there is anything to say that you have not already said.
i can only guess at your anguish over brad and what he has done (and apparently continues to do..) to you. only you can say if your "trust" button is truly broken beyond repair....possibly right now it is and maybe that repari willt ake years and years and years to repair....i think that perhaps you need to not open his e-mails any more....that perhaps you need to distance yourself from him as much as possible (considering that he is still your boys father...)....this is NOT good for you!
*great big deep sigh* What to say??? For those of us who know and love Brad (which is impossible not to do b/c he really is a wonderful person), we all just keep hanging on to that prayer that he'll come back to the Brad we knew. I try to imagine being in your shoes, and I know I would be doing exactly this....hoping for the past to come back. I honestly don't know if this is a "time will heal" situation or not. And I don't think you will ever NOT love Brad. But...I do believe that you can love truly and deeply again with someone else. The right person will bring back those feelings of trust and security and I fully believe you can be happy again. Hang in there lady. I love you!
My heart bleeds for you Jennifer. You are in a hard way. Reaching for a future that you know not what it quite holds, yet still feeling the nostalgic pull of the goodnes of your love for a husband you can't trust. Only your gut can tell you to relax with him and let him in again, but time and a chance are those things only you can give him. If you choose to close that door and compartmentalize him into being just a dad, then that is your choice. But you have seen his choices for an extended period of time as well as spur of the moment. Let the proof be in his actions, but do not place your happiness in the same basket as the eggs which are his choices.
SOme people profess change and others LIVE it. How does he live lately and don't let him know you are looking until you want him to know.....if you want him to know.
But above all else,you and your boys will be fine and should use this situation as a chance to build inner strenght and outer character. Those young men need to know how to walk like a man.
Thinking of you, Jennifer. Continue to be strong.
Knowing you, you probably already have, but I highly recommend reading "The Peacegiver." Great book.
You've got my mind going wild with imaginings of what Brad did. I think I really understand your intent here and appreciate your graciousness towards him. But oh my goodness, I find my heart racing and struggling with the unkind feelings I've got for him. What's his deal!?
I truly believe you only fall truly in love once. So it is so sad that your one true love hurt you so badly. You will love again, but it will not be the same as you will always compare. I have written you before about my loss amd my near suicide. He may come back and be the man you loved, the problem is you are no longer that woman. You will never truly believe he loves you. You will never have true trust and an open heart. I know. My husband has come back. Been back 11 years. I still have not forgotten the pain. I still hold onto the resentment. Is this healthy? No but it is far better than not being with him. Breathing him in.When we were divorced I used to think I would feel better if he was dead instead of just out there and not mine. I truly feel your pain.
My opinion--you will heal and be whole again, in time.
My suggestions: 1-the comfort from the most powerful force ever in existence--God almighty, who loves you more than you have ever loved anyone and more than you can understand..
2--time
3--counseling
Jennifer,
Of course you are feeling those feelings. It is probably so normal for someone who has gone through all of the trauma that you have over the past few years. I am so sorry you have had to go through all of that. Have you tried counseling - it might really help. I had a friend who went through a kind of similar situation and it really helped her work through trust issues and feelings so she could heal.
((hugs))
Jen
Oh Jennifer,
My heart is breaking for you.......again. I wish you didn't have to go through this......sending you big hugs.
Well, I'm throwing this out there....THAT SUCKS and it totally sucks that he emailed you and it made you feel bad ...again. Darn it all sister, I'm mad. You're hurt and that makes me sad for you and I'm so sorry. There are things in everyone's life and we must just keep tredging through. Let's think positively ....Optimism creates energy and is contagious to those around you. I'll send positive vibes your way. Thank you for sharing the 'real' stuff. May the Lord bless and keep you.
Jennifer- I have been folloing ur blog for quite sometime now. I am also a single mom of 2 boys, whose eternal companion decided after 5 years of marriage and 2 young kids that this whole family thing kept him from all the FUN things in life. I was devistated and hurt beyond words. It took a long time before I was able to trust again and, like you mentioned, FEEL! But it will happen, you have to let go and move on. Waaay easier said than done. But boy does it feel good when u finally do!! I still feel like I was dealt some crappy cards and ask why plenty of times but I look at my boys and press forward. It gets easier, Im proof!
You are an amazing mother and seem to be an awesome person. You have inspired me with your writing and such possitive attitude many times. Please keep your head held high! I am thinking and praying for you!
It appears that you have done some miraculous work on yourself. This is just a set back. You were on the road to recovery and you will again. Before you know it, you will be crying over long distance commercials:-)
Im so sorry you have to go through all of this. I will keep you and the boys in my prayers. I would like to think that time heals all wounds and that in time you will be fully healed and be the better for all that has gone on in your life these months. From reading you blog I know you are strong and you will get through all of this! Sending lots of love your way!
Jennifer, I don't know if you remember me but I've been reading your blog for awhile and let me tell you there was a huge gap in my reading. I remember I read a post about you and Brad going to the melting pot and him bringing you home DQ every friday. The the next thing I know you're talking about how life was different now and using things like a.d. and b.d. I literally broke down and cried for you and for my own bubble breaking. I was the little 12 year old that had this crush on the"perfect guy" Brad like every little girl in our ward. He was the handsome man that I swore to myself I was going to marry someone like him. My own hubby has even been affected because I almost felt distrustful right away towards him because in my mind if Brad could do that anyone could. I don't know how you do it but you've been in my thoughts. I've always liked you and am really hoping you can find happiness and trust again, I know it is possible. When you're ready to start working (I think you mentioned teaching) think about Adrian it's a great school and town and my dad's the principal and your story shook him too. He might know of something. (susie ELLSWORTH stout)
I don't know much, but I do know that the Lord knows you personally, and that you are much more than the person who was Brad's wife before divorce. I've seen this happen to other people and it does shatter their foundations. It can only get better, can't it? Seems like it would be kinder to Jennifer to not read that boy's emails or be in any contact. Does he know about Green Eyes? That must have pressed a button that hurts him and he is trying to hurt back?
Be strong, friend.
I just want to reach right through this computer and wrap you up in one big hug! Not that it would help, but I just hate the pain you have to endure.
Praying for you!
I wish I was half as articulate as you. I feel all of this and my monkey torments us to this day even has he lives one street over with his new girl he left me for. I'm just barely getting to the part of seeing a future without hime, but I don't even know where to start.
It is heart-breaking to read of what words and memories can do to you but it happens to all of us. I think of you as a strong person and I think of myself as a strong person but I also have someone in this world who holds my emotions in their vice grip and can really hurt me if they so wish and sometimes it seems like that indeed is what they wish. I have prayed and asked myself WHY would someone nice like me be treated so poorly. Only our Father in Heaven knows why we are given certain trials in this earth life. So all you can do is maintain your dignity and respect and treat others how you want to be treated and you will indeed be treated that way. I believe in Karma :) And finally as if this comment wasn't long enough, I love this quotation my brother sent me awhile ago:
"God uses broken things. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. . . .It is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever.
Vance Havner, The Still Water (Quoted in Guideposts, Oct. 1981, p. 5)"
I'm so far behind on blogging--but my father-in-law says "this too shall pass". Usually it's when I'm going off about Mr D's antics, which are nothing compared to waht you put up with with Brad. I know you'll get through it--you're an impressively tough lady.
Jennifer....Your doing good. There are no answers....it certainly wasn't anything you could have changed and it's certainly not your fault. Brad ruined your past, don't give him your future too. I'm sorry for you....you know that. But I'm also so proud of you.
"I couldn't imagine any happy ending for myself or my boys that didn't include some type of miraculous mending back of our family. Can I now?"
If my past year, and somewhat parallel universe has taught me anything it's that sometimes the things we can't imagine, end up being the best endings.
I don't know what happened exactly but my heart is so sad for you right now. So very sad!
I know I have written on your posts before; I often think about you. AND pray for you!!
I know how you feel. I too would wish this on NO ONE! So many unanswered questions.
The way you feel is because you made a covenant. You are ONE flesh, as much as we want to escape it. You can rip the flesh, and it HURTS. God is always on the side of covenant, which is why it hurts.
I wish I had more encouragement for you!
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