amidst the crazy came this....

This week has been...oh my...I can't even tell you!!! I'm in the throw of finals, up against poetry periodical submission deadlines, yard and house begging for care, two younger children who I swear are part tornado tearing through every corner of every room, a kindergartner to home school, and a million and one errands to run. Today was a good example of what I've been jamming in to a typical day: At one point I was on the phone with my insurance company trying to resolve a claim. In the 45 minutes it took to complete THAT "fun" task, I covered 6 bulletin boards in fabric, folded a batch of clothes, picked up my room, and outlined a reflection paper for my Shakespeare internship (did that last one while on hold and listening to an orchestrated version of the BeeGee's "How Deep is Your Love"!).

Anyway, with things being SO crazy and trying to sustain this juggling act that I'm quickly learning is now "my life" and not a thing that will pass--my disposition has been a little more on the, um, grumpy side lately. My boys seem to sense this and have been really good about getting along and resolving more of their own disagreements so as not to wake "the sleeping dragon". The other day, however, my Z and E had a little exchange of words...and hands...over a wii remote. Pretty certain what followed was none of our proudest moments.

That night, after I'd tucked every one in, I had myself a good cry over what my future is beginning to look like. I want nothing more than to just raise my boys. To continue to be able to stay at home with them and be there for them to help with homework and scouting projects and piano lessons. To have time to play with them and really listen to them--not just take care of their basic needs. I can barely squeeze it all in now---I can only imagine what it will be like when I have to add in 40-50 hour work weeks. But...what else can I do? I'm going to have to provide for this family now. God put me in this position--I'm going to have to trust that He knows what He's doing.

When I woke up the next morning, my E--who is 10--had left me this note by my bed. (I'm putting it in here word for word--misspellings and all):

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry about what happend today between me and Z so I'm writing this note to apoligize to you. And I also know that you have been a little down sence dad left. Just remember if there's ANY thing you need even if it's to go and find the lost treasure in the mountains I'll do it. I love you around the galixie several times and back.

Oh...my angel sons! They know so much more than I give them credit for. They are capable of such deep and unfaltering love. I'm going to work this week on focusing more on what I CAN give them--right now--and to worry less about what I won't be able to give them as much of in the future. I'm going to do more snuggling, more laughing, more listening to stories about video game levels. And if it takes a miracle for me to be able to continue to be a stay-at-home mom I say--why NOT a miracle?! I'll keep studying and planning as though that won't happen...but praying that it will.