writing the story of my heart

Today in church, the sweetest little 4-year old girl with bouncy blond hair and big blue eyes was sitting in front of the boys and me. At one point she turned around in her chair and just stared at us for a while. When she saw she had my attention, she whispered

"Don't you have any daddies?"

I shook my head no. She then climbed up on her dad's lap, pointed at him, and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

"This is my daddy!" she said, and beamed.

I smiled back at her and told her she was a good girl.

Somehow, that sweet little girl kind of messed up this post. Every time I start to think I have some answers--I have an experience like that which sends me spinning into the realms of questions and doubts once again. Another example came last week when Brad called to talk to me about taking Z to the eye doctor. It had been a long time since we'd communicated through something other than texts and email. We were just discussing our child, even laughing at one time. It felt so familiar and--again--drove me to ask "why? WHY?". Why am I in this position? Why are we not together?

I guess the short on my love life is: that since late February, Green Eyes and Ninja have traded places. I have been dating Ninja while Green Eyes has been my friend. I suppose Green Eyes and I could have parted ways permanently--but there was still a lot of good between the two of us, and with our children involved, we didn't see any reason we couldn't continue on in a friendship.

And it has worked....almost.

The thing is, Green Eyes was almost TOO good a friend. He would still show up when I wasn't home and vacuum my floor or do the dishes. He would still leave the occasional card or note to just say thank you for being me. He was still abundantly generous with his compliments and concerns. He still had those green, green eyes. One afternoon when he was over for lunch, he saw some drawings I had done for shelves I hoped to find for the niche in my hallway. I was looking for some pre-fab ones I could put together and add some molding to make look finished. Green Eyes said he'd look for some when he was out, and --since he's great with anything wood-- he volunteered to help with mitering the molding.

Two weeks later, Green Eyes shows up at my house with these....

Shelves with a drawer base. He'd custom built them. Just to say "thank you" for all I'd done for him. They were gorgeous and I absolutely loved them.

Still---how was I ever supposed to move on while being constantly reminded of how great he was? The reason of differing religions that kept us apart wasn't going away---and it was significant enough that we could never have a future together unless it was resolved.

While we were dating, Green Eyes told me that God was the source of his love for me. That anything he did was only an extension of that. And he has done an amazing job of making me feel loved, and of reminding me that God loves me. Still, I was beginning to feel guilty--like I was being manipulative in some way to have these two men constantly doing kind things for me. I know they are just genuinely good men with good hearts who care about me regardless of whether or not we are in a relationship, but I couldn't shake the feeling of how it must look to everyone else. I told Green Eyes that I needed a little more time and distance to figure things out.

So--what does all this mean for Ninja? I have enjoyed the transition he and I have made from friendship to dating. He's the person I want to spend my time with. He is fun and funny, and I am and always have been comfortable with him. I love him. Most of all, he is ever so good to me and to my boys. (Again--for the sake of my children, I am not physically affectionate with any men in front of them. They know I have good friends, and--until I am more certain about who it is that might be in my future permanently-- that's how it will stay.)

However, Ninja and I have our share of concerns and potential problems too. I'm willing to give it more time--we both are--to see what kind of solutions we might be able to find. But I still don't have any answers.

I guess I had just hoped that when the right person came along, it would be "easy" somehow. Good things are worth working and waiting for, I know--but I am convinced that love must truly be for the young and foolishly optimistic---because when you add age and experience and children to the mix--things get complicated really quickly.

I guess, in the end, my shelves might be done, finished, and perfectly at home....

But my heart isn't yet. One day it will be prepared for the answer God has....and you can be certain I'll be listening.