i do not want to be in a league or out of a league. where does one sign up for the switzerland of leagues?

Told to me by a cutie pie, 23 year old, poet friend of mine tonight: "i'm surprised you even date people, i would just expect them to fall in love. "

aaaaaw....shucks.

Of course, I did bake him some fabulous Snickerdoodles a few weeks ago, and we share a mutual affinity for Herman Dune, and I also donated a bit of money to help him bike from here to Joshua Tree National Forest this summer where he will stop and write poetry all along the way for his MFA submission. But I'd like to think it was more just that he's known me for a year (one semester of which he sat by me in two classes) and has heard me ramble on about all kinds of stuff and noticed when I was silent and seen me kick the head off a challenge like I was Bruce Lee. And just noted that I'm *pretty nifty* in my own, unassuming way.

So, I smiled to myself for about an hour until another friend of mine--an older, wiser friend--told me concerning another guy I had taken a very tentative, slow-paced, but wow he's neat-o(!) and maybe something in time-type interest in, that he was:"definitely out of [my] league and I shouldn't even try. Honestly."


aaaaaaaw......poo.

Stupid leagues that replaced my smile with a weepy scowl :S (reference post title)

And then I just got angry at myself...Because aren't I supposed to be that woman who doesn't care what people think of her--good or bad? No gray dots? No gold stars? Remember? Am I not one whose self-esteem is supposed to stay firmly anchored in what God thinks of me?

Yeah, that's me. Except sometimes I forget. Usually when there's something I would like that appears to be out of my reach and I can't help but think:

If only I were
*prettier
*smarter
*more talented
*wealthier
*better built
*younger
*faster
*stronger
*mini-vanless
*better at video games
*made of adamant
and/or
*able to breathe fire and shoot lasers out of my eyes
THEN it/he/pot of gold at the end of the rainbow/passionate affair with Alan Rickman would be mine.

I need to knock that off, don't I?

So, I consoled myself with some poetry writing about the unequal game of attraction. And a bowl of chocolate mini-wheats. And a little Ralph Stanley singing "Oh Death." And then I made a list of goals I want to accomplish this summer because if I'm starting to have time to feel down about myself, I clearly don't have enough to do (though, I must insert tangent here: my choice of free time activities post school being over has been hilarious. It's like I forgot what free time was and what one should do with it. I cleaned my oven. I read up on the art of millinery. I watched two Wilford Brimley movies. I scrubbed my longboard deck with a toothbrush. And I put tape on the cat's paws and let him entertain me for a while).

ANYWAY,
this summer I want to:

-Read the Old Testament

-Serve someone daily

-Start going to bed before 3 am

-Hit the skate park with the boy squad every morning  until it gets too hot that even the sullen, skinny jeans kids have to come early to get any skating in.

-Tabata train myself to 20% body fat (also doing this so I can eat lemon meringue pie. I'm just sayin')

-Try camping. one. more. time. even. though. i. am. horrible. at. it. and. the. forest. hates. me.

-Take my sorry self on a much earned vacation to celebrate my graduation/birthday/Thursday. And where I promise not to work really, hardly at all, except for talking Volt at a few bookstores

-Engage in creative writing every day and submit for publication weekly

-Work my tail off (except on that vacation) to remind my boss why he should still love me after 4 1/2 months of doing only so-so work in the midst of my busy-ness with school.

And as far as judging my worth or looks based on whether someone likes me or doesn't?  Well--I can't say that I'll stop doing that right away. It's just one of the pitfalls of being single and trying to be brave enough not to take myself completely out of the dating game although I usually feel like a trout swimming in a big pond with a bunch of those gorgeous goldfish with the billowy tails and gleaming scales. Yet, I know, if you catch me and you hold me up to the light in just the right way, you will see that I'm all rainbow.

Oh yeah...and lookie here....told you I did it :)

SO, put that in your pipe and smoke it :)